As a bride and groom stood under the chuppah Rav Dessler ztz”l would tell them the following: “Always remember my dear friends how much you want to give to each other. As soon as you stop wanting to give and start focusing on what your spouse can give you you have turned the tide and instead of being on the way to marital bliss you are marching toward unhappiness.”
The inherent message on giving and taking is critical. Yet I always wondered about the idea of a turning point in a relationship — that slight mental or emotional shift that changes it from growing upward to going downward. What triggers such a shift?
One of the key middos central to maintaining the upward growth of a relationship is that of dan l’kaf zechus giving the benefit of the doubt. Let’s explore its place in marriage.

Doing No Wrong
When the couple first meets it’s with an air of caution. Is he kind considerate serious about his relationship with his Creator? Each interaction is weighed and measured. Each person is on the lookout for things that may not be as they appear.
If the couple makes it through that initial skepticism they move on to the next phase where they get to know each other better trust each other more and start to sow the seeds of emotional intimacy.
At a certain point we see another shift take place. From suspicion they move to acceptance and then to that premarital bliss of “he/she can do no wrong.” Once we have made up our minds that he is the one we begin to interpret all incoming data favorably. After all the better he looks the better we look. Hopefully the man and woman will then stand under the chuppah believing that their new spouse wants the best for them and for the marriage as keenly as they do.
At the other end of the spectrum we see failed marriages. Somewhere along the line a change took place. From doing no wrong the spouse can now do no right. This is a clear signal of the demise of a relationship and it is tragic to behold.
How did that shift take place? Is there anything we can do to ensure it doesn’t happen to us? (There are many factors involved in the ending of a marriage that may be beyond the control of one or both of the people involved. I’m focusing here on just one possible aspect.)

Do I Want Him to Be
Innocent?
The positive commandment to give the benefit of the doubt based on the verse “Judge your fellow man with justice” (Vayikra 19:15) has halachic parameters as delineated by the Chofetz Chaim. But we’re going to speak about the middah of dan l’kaf zechus as explained by Rav Avigdor Miller.
Rav Miller explains that in order to perform the mitzvah properly you must first have a real desire that your friend neighbor or spouse be innocent in your eyes and in the Eyes of Heaven to the point that even if the facts show the person did something wrong the desire that he or she be found innocent remains. In other words our internal landscape needs to be driven by a positive view of people and a desire to see them as having good intentions.
The opposite of this is the person who when the facts indicate guilt of another party expresses satisfaction or smugness saying “I knew it all along ” or “You see what I live with?”
If we’re stuck in the “he can do no right” mode the first step in climbing out is being honest about our motivation in wanting our spouse to look bad. Do we feel such a view justifies our lack of satisfaction with our lives or our marriages? Does it allow us to feel like we don’t need to be doing the hard and often uncomfortable work of growing ourselves and our relationships?
A practical tactic that can be used to develop a more positive view of those we are closest to is to try dividing intention from execution. Very often our spouses have good intentions but things break down in the expression of those intentions. He wants to do things correctly or the way that is correct for you but he may not know how. He may not realize how much certain things matter to you. He may not know something is an issue for you because it never bothered his mother.
Let’s say for example your husband offers to do the grocery shopping. He goes to the supermarket with a list and comes home with ten each of five items that weren’t on the list because they were on sale and he couldn’t resist. You’re annoyed because you have no place to store all that stuff you really don’t need it or it blows your weekly budget (or all of the above). He can’t understand why you’re upset.
Another scenario: He offers to take the kids out on Sunday afternoon so you can get a break and do some general catch-up at home. He leaves at two o’clock. At four you’re finished your work. At five you keep glancing at the clock at six you are staring out the window and by seven you are hysterical. All attempts to reach him by phone fail. By the time he comes home at eight you are fit to be tied.
Turns out he decided to go visit his parents an hour away and left his cell phone in the car when he got there. He’s proud of the break he gave you and expects a warm welcome when he returns. It’s not what he finds.
Doesn’t he know the kids have to be in bed by seven in order to function properly the next day? Didn’t he realize you’d be worried sick? Not necessarily.
These are small examples but the point can be transposed to larger issues as well. Separating the behavior from the intention can help us judge favorably. Once we continue to see our spouses as good wanting to please and wanting a good marriage that positivity will color the communication necessary to explain what’s important to us and how things can be more suitably executed.

A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
The desire to see our spouses as good can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we acknowledge and feel that he wants to do good it creates motivation for him to continue to do so. Similarly attributing negative connotations to the things he “does wrong” can be equally self-fulfilling. No one is motivated once they sense that you’re looking to condemn. If he feels he can never get it right he’ll stop trying.
This is an avodah that requires consistent effort over time — first to find the positivity in ourselves and then to apply it to our spouses. Yet it’s an investment in preventing the shift that could send our relationships into a downward spiral. As in all bein adam l’chaveiro matters the greatest challenge as well as the ultimate possible fulfillment is with those closest to us.
Ultimately however we’re the ones who will reap the greatest benefit from removing from our minds and hearts the doubt as to what our other half really wants. Believe that he wants to do good and a lot of the time that’s what you’ll get.

Rebbetzin Debbie Greenblatt is a senior lecturer for the Gateways organization and a teacher for over 30 years of both observant and not-yet-observant Jewish women. Debbie’s lecture topics include Jewish texts Jewish thought and relationships.