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ou can’t believe that your child is ready for shidduchim. Not so long ago you were hoping to meet Mr. Right. And you did — at a Catskills hotel on Shabbos Nachamu or when you were both advisors at an NCSY event. Or maybe you didn’t meet until both of you made your way to Israel after college fell in love with Yiddishkeit and were set up through a shadchan. During the dating process your parents were largely on the sidelines only stepping in to plan the wedding.

Fast-forward 25 or 30 years. You and your husband are very different from the young couple who stood under the chuppah all those years ago. Over time you’ve grown in Yiddishkeit and now consider yourself “yeshivish” or “seriously frum.” You know that your children aren’t going to meet their future spouses the same way you met your husband. And you’ve figured out that parents play a starring role in shidduchim. But what exactly are you supposed to be doing? Since they likely don’t offer a crash course in shidduchim at your local shul consider this your mini survival guide.

Asking the Tough Questions

Long before your child’s first date he needs to do some serious introspection. Does he have a clear idea of who he is and what he wants? What are his strengths? His goals? His interests and needs (in both ruchniyus and gashmiyus)? Where does he see himself in six months a year five years? Before he even thinks about what he wants in a spouse he should have these answers down pat.

These are questions you should consider asking yourself too. From your vantage point how would you best describe your son? You can help him articulate what kind of person he is — and what kind of girl would best suit him — by offering your own insights. That said you might prove even more invaluable by acting as a sounding board. Because although your son will integrate what he’s absorbed at home and in yeshivah it’s vital for him to look for answers deep within himself instead of creating a shidduch portfolio based on what his friends rebbeim and yes even parents think.

Now what happens when you and your child disagree on what kind of spouse she should be searching for? How can you use your life wisdom to influence her preferences? Ultimately you can’t persuade her to look for a hashkafah lifestyle background or character trait that you want and she doesn’t — after all she’s the one getting married not you. But you can ask her to seriously consider your perspective.

Most importantly if your child can’t yet clarify the direction she wants her life to take she isn’t ready to start dating. Take Fraydie for instance who came back from seminary determined to start dating by Rosh HaShanah. She was 19 which she felt was the “magic age” for shidduchim and some of her friends had already started dating. Fraydie thought she might want a lifestyle that was very different from the one she aspired to before leaving for seminary but she wasn’t sure what was really right for her. She likewise couldn’t decide if she wanted to start studying for a profession or take some time off to work.

With so many questions up in the air Fraydie’s parents were surprised that she wanted to start dating. They felt she needed a few months to “land” and integrate her Israel experience. They suggested that Fraydie arrange a schedule for the summer that included chesed work reading and talking to people about potential careers having a routine of household chores and enjoying being back home. Six months later Fraydie had gained more clarity about what direction she wanted to take in life and was finally ready to start shidduchim.

From Mom to Matchmaker

When you were dating your parents played a peripheral role. In the frum world parents have a pivotal role. As the mother you’ll be pushed into the role of matchmaker trying to network on your child’s behalf.

The process is not so different from networking to find a job. Just as you build a list of contacts who may know of potential openings you build a list of people who may know of a potential match for your child. Think of relatives friends neighbors coworkers teachers and others as potential resources.

Before you start cold-calling prepare an “elevator pitch” to explain what your child is doing now where she’s holding hashkafah-wise and what her goals are for the future. It helps to use what we call “four plus four”: describe four qualities that capture your child’s uniqueness as well as four qualities portraying what she’s looking for in the boy she wants want to marry. That’s a starting point for exchanging more detailed information including how she likes to spend her time her talents and strengths and other information that a potential dating partner might like to know.

To spread the news that your child is dating you can make phone calls get together with a group to share ideas and meet with seasoned matchmakers. You can also make the most of chance meetings as Shaina did when her daughter Malkie started dating. Standing in line at the supermarket one day Shaina spied a former neighbor whom she hadn’t seen for years. After the two women caught up Shaina mentioned that Malkie was starting to date.

“Remember how Malkie was a bundle of energy when she was little — always organizing plays and carnivals for tzedakah?” Shaina began. “Now she helps plan fundraisers for yeshivos and organizations while she’s getting her business degree. She’s still got that enthusiasm and creativity and she puts her heart into whatever she does. She’s a great cook and a good friend and she still loves to dance. She’s looking for a young man who has a good heart and an outgoing personality. Malkie wants someone who thinks for himself and also has a sense of responsibility for others.”

The former neighbor thought for a moment and said “There’s a wonderful family across the street from me and their son sounds exactly like the type of boy Malkie might like. Let me get some more details and I’ll speak to his mother about the idea.” That’s how Malkie met her husband.

As with job hunting networking for a shidduch can be a numbers game — the more people you speak to the more likely you’ll hear a good suggestion. But that means you could spend hours pursuing leads that don’t turn out to be shayach speaking to contacts who have no ideas for you or calling back people who forgot (or were too busy) to return your phone call.

You might also find out that someone who sounded so promising has a long list to work through before even considering your child. This process can be time-consuming and emotionally draining so don’t make the mistake of going full throttle until your child meets his spouse. You have to take breaks every so often.

Your energy also shouldn’t be reserved for this hishtadlus alone — equally as important is how much you pour into your tefillos. And don’t lose sight of the fact that all shidduchim come from Above. Hashem is in control and you have no idea where the right match for your child may come from. Maybe your son will get engaged to the girl next door. Or your daughter will marry someone from another country who isn’t even dating at the moment. Leave yourself open to all the possibilities.

When Dina’s third child Miriam was ready to date Dina gearing herself up for the long haul. She had worked very hard on shidduchim for her oldest two children spending hours each week on the telephone sometimes investing weeks of effort before a shidduch materialized. Even with this effort her son dated three years before meeting his wife and her daughter two years.

Much to Dina’s surprise the right suggestion for Miriam came along very quickly and without much effort on her part. “I hear that Miriam is starting shidduchim” remarked Dina’s elderly neighbor. “You daughter always has a smile for me and has been so helpful and I know just the boy for her.” As the two women spoke Dina realized that her neighbor’s suggestion was right on the mark for Miriam and when they began to date they hit it off right away.

Reading Between the Lines

Your son is a catch. He’s a strong learner, has sterling middos, and is beloved by friends and rebbeim alike. You’re also a well respected, close-knit family. So why does he keep getting turned down?

There are plenty of possible reasons, some of which bear no reflection on who your son is. For instance, some parents will only look for singles living close by to increase the odds that their child will end up living in the area. Or perhaps others are looking for a particular yichus that your family doesn’t have, or an economic level that’s nonnegotiable. A baal teshuvah couple may want their child to marry someone from a similar background. So too a long-established yeshivish family may be uncomfortable with the idea of someone who has secular or non-Jewish relatives. We may not agree with these reasons, but they are a fact of life. And there is an upside: other people’s biases can help you weed out those who won’t accept your child for who he is.

But if you are getting a resounding chorus of no’s, it’s a good signal that you should consider looking for a different type of person. This was the case with Ilana, whose daughter Shani had taken on a more yeshivish lifestyle as a young teenager. She even persuaded her parents to let her attend Bais Yaakov and Ma’alot, where she selected a career path that would enable her to support a husband in long-term learning. Shani shone in everything she did — she was a brilliant student, deeply spiritual, musically gifted, and full of energy that she channeled to chesed projects. When it came time for shidduchim, Ilana assumed that her pretty, accomplished, and well-grounded girl would get a lot of dates. She couldn’t believe it when she received one no after another. What in the world was wrong? To unravel the mystery, Ilana spoke to a respected local shadchan.

“Some yeshivish families don’t want Shani’s open background,” the matchmaker explained. “She’s been exposed to television, movies, and the New York Times, and although she’s moved past them, these families are concerned that cultural influences they try hard to avoid might seep in. Even though Shani is a wonderful girl and might be a good wife for their sons, you can’t change these mindsets. I suggest looking, instead, for a young man who grew up the way Shani did and became more frum, or for a boy from a yeshivish family whose main focus is finding a good match for their son.”

Ilana followed this advice, and within a year Shani married a young man whose path in life had been similar to her own.

On the other extreme, if a shidduch suggestion sounds too good to be true, it just might be. It behooves you to be cautious, something Irina learned the hard way. When her daughter Tanya was two, Irina immigrated to New York from Russia and struggled financially as a manicurist for several years until her English improved. Then she found a job in her field of mechanical engineering. As her fortunes improved, Irina decided to learn more about Judaism, and in time she and Tanya became shomrei mitzvos. Tanya attended Bais Yaakov and a good seminary in Israel. When she returned home, Irina was approached about what appeared to be the shidduch of a lifetime. A prominent family was interested in Tanya for their son. He was intelligent, nice-looking, and his parents were willing to support him in learning for a number of years.

Irina felt flattered that her daughter merited such a wonderful shidduch. What she didn’t know was that the young man had a personality disorder that would have made marriage without treatment very difficult. His parents naively hoped that marriage to a “good” woman would settle him down. The people who redt the shidduch hoped that Irina would take it at face value and not do the research that would have disclosed the problem.

 Detective Work

Irina’s story highlights the importance of checking out any shidduch suggestion that you’re seriously considering. While it’s important to know if the boy is marriageable (capable of being a healthy spouse in a stable marriage), you also need to clarify that he has the values, expectations, goals, and qualities your daughter is looking for. To unearth this information, you’ll have to ask questions that center around four themes:

1. How accurate is the information I’ve already been given about this person?
2. What other information do I need to determine if this person’s hashkafah, values, expectations, goals, and character traits are compatible with my child’s?
3. What basic facts do I want to know about this person’s background, biography, appearance, and physical and emotional health?
4. What is he or she looking for? Does my child seem to fit into those expectations?

To answer these questions, you’ll probably be given a few references, and they’re a good starting point. Find out how they’re acquainted with the boy or girl and how long they’ve know each other. Ask questions that require a narrative response (such as “can you describe,” “can you tell me about,” or “can you give me an example of”), rather than ones that can be answered with only a “yes” or “no.”

If a reference can’t fully answer many of your questions, or if all the references have only know the shidduch for a short time, don’t be shy about asking for another few names. To accurately assess this person, you need at least one reference who has known the individual for a few years and has a strong connection — such as a roommate, teacher, good friend, or long-time neighbor.

As you’re making calls, keep in mind that no reference is completely objective; it behooves you to take what you hear with a grain of salt. Some references are so eager to help a shidduch along that they may omit or color information to encourage you to accept the match. You might also hear vague, fairly elusive terms like “very out of the box” or “unconventional.” Trickier still is a word like “complicated” — it might mean that the boy’s personality, lifestyle, hashkafah, or outlook is different from yours, or it could be a hint that he’s socially awkward, has a difficult family, is mentally ill, or has a problem with substance abuse.

By asking specific questions and getting people to talk at length, you’ll hear more of the truth. If the reference hesitates or says something that isn’t clear, ask for clarification. If you hear something you don’t like, don’t rush to reject the suggestion. Ask the reference to elaborate, and look into the subject more deeply.

This is something that Rebbetzin Schwartz wishes she had done from the get-go. When she heard that Raizie, who had been suggested for her son, was “very with it,” she envisioned a modern young woman who followed all of the latest trends. This wasn’t what her son or her family wanted, and she turned down the suggestion. Several months later, when Raizie’s name came up again, Rebbetzin Schwartz decided to ask what “very with it” implied. She was surprised to learn that the phrase was being used to describe a bubbly, outgoing, grounded girl, and was glad she asked for clarification — especially since Raizie’s personality was precisely what her son was looking for.

If the references you’ve spoken to are forthright and knowledgeable, you may have all of the necessary details to make an informed decision. When this isn’t the case, you should do more detective work on your own. Consider speaking to someone who has known the potential date a long time, such as a classmate or family friend. A rebbi, madrich, or mashgiach who has a close relationship to a young man can be a good resource, but don’t assume that someone knows a person well just because they’re in the same yeshivah.

Since the parents of prospective dating partners will also be checking out your child and your family, you’ll have to find your own references and prepare them for their role. Brainstorm with your son or daughter about who to ask.

The idea of checking someone out could be as new to some of your references as it is to you, but since they know you, your family, and your child well, they may be better resources than someone who’s more familiar with the shidduch system but doesn’t have much first-hand information. Explain why people do research and the type of questions they may ask. Bring them up to date about what your child is doing, his plans for the future, his hashkafah, and what he’s looking for.

You may wonder how your reference should handle certain issues in your background that you feel uncomfortable about, such as relatives who intermarried, lifestyle choices before you became frum, or any other sticky subject. Ask your reference to answer questions about these areas in a way that emphasizes the positive.

It’s always helpful for “newbies” to have a more experienced person show them the ropes. Find another parent or friend who’s been through the process to help you along the way. (After you have some experience under your belt, you may end up doing the same for another newcomer.) Direct your hashkafic and halachic questions to a rav whom your family is close with.

Your child could use a mentor, too. That’s not to say that she won’t discuss the dating process with you or ask for your advice; it’s just that it always helps to have an outside perspective. You’ll want to choose a discreet, trustworthy, happily married person whom your child looks up to. It’s best if the person — whether it be a teacher, rebbi, older married sibling, cousin, neighbor, or family friend — has experience successfully advising others.

Perhaps the most challenging part of the shidduch parshah for parents is knowing when to step in, and when to step out. Ultimately, your job is to set the stage. You support the lead actor, help him find his leading lady, address all potential security problems, share your expertise — and then let the drama play itself out, with you on the sidelines.

A Question of Money

You might have met your husband when you were 28, he 32, and you both had blossoming careers and financial independence. Or, you married young but made it on your own without much parental help. If so, supporting your grown children after the wedding may seem like a foreign concept. But in many circles of the frum world today, most parents are expected to give a few years of financial help to children who marry in their late teens through mid-twenties.

The reason is twofold: first, many young men decide to learn full-time in the beginning of marriage, so they’re not bringing in a significant income (if they’re getting any stipend at all), and second, because it’s harder to get started now than it was a generation ago.

Before your child starts dating, clarify with your husband if you’re able or willing to help the young couple financially. Can you pay tuition, help with general support, or contribute to rent or a mortgage? How much and for how long? Is any of this negotiable?

Know too that insisting “in our day, we didn’t rely on our parents” may make shidduchim difficult for a child who is still in school, is just beginning a career, or wants a kollel lifestyle for a number of years.

Regardless of whether you choose to offer financial support, help your child develop a realistic financial plan that takes into consideration how much she and her future husband will have coming in through work, stipends or scholarships, wedding gifts, and savings.

What I Wish I Had Known About Shidduchim

“Shortly before my eldest began to date, a friend warned me how difficult this new chapter in my family’s life would be, but I thought she was exaggerating,” shares Miriam. “Boy, did I learn! I thought of myself as an accomplished, put-together person who was respected in my community and had many friends. I never dreamed that while searching for a shidduch for my oldest child, I’d relive all my childhood insecurities.

“My husband and I are balabatish, but our oldest daughter became more yeshivish as a teenager and wanted a kollel lifestyle. I imagined that every young man would be interested in her for her long list of good traits and accomplishments. I was devastated that some families turned us down because our family is not yeshivish. I had to constantly remind myself that it wasn’t personal.”

“I also never imagined how time-consuming the process would be. I spent hours on the telephone each week to follow leads, many of which were dead-end paths. I now know that taking a break from networking isn’t just a good idea — it’s absolutely essential.

“I learned two important points during the process. One was to write down and date in a notebook every suggestion, every conversation, every lead you’re given, and every fact you discover. You won’t be able to keep all of the information in your head.

“The second is that it often takes time to fine-tune what you’re looking for. We spent more than a year looking for a particular type of boy for our daughter, and time after time she had trouble relating to her dates. We finally realized that it might be easier for her to connect to someone who came from a similar background and decided to become yeshivish, and that’s when dating turned around for her.

“The shidduch parshah keeps reinforcing one important concept for me — that Hashem runs the world, that He is in control. I can see why it’s said that making a shidduch is as hard as splitting the sea. When I grew discouraged because lead after lead didn’t pan out, my best friend reassured me, ‘Your daughter will find the right young man. At this moment, he might not be ready for dating. He might have to move to this locale. He may have to ‘flip’ and become yeshivish. When Hashem finally arranges the shidduch, you’ll see His Hand.’ And when my daughter met her husband, I saw that everything my friend had said was true.”