Do you still look as you did on your dates? Why not?

It’s odd. When people go out on a date they pay all sorts of attention to the most superficial aspects of themselves. For instance they may concentrate intensely on how their hair looks. Hair? Why should anyone care about how their hair looks when the issue at hand is the holy endeavor of selecting a partner for the lifelong project of building a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael? What has hair got to do with it — combed not combed in a headband or in a ponytail — who cares? Surely this is not a consideration.

But of course the hair is a consideration — as is the suit or dress the shoes the posture the makeup or lack of it the way one chews one’s food or sips one’s drink the height the accent and a host of other superficial factors. In fact the whole shidduch may rise or fall based on such trivialities. (“Ma I don’t want to go out with him again. I don’t like his hair.”)

Marriage Changes Everything

Few people have to be taught the importance of these superficial aspects of self on a date. Almost everyone instinctively knows that they must put their best superficial foot forward in order to convince someone to sign up as their permanent life partner. They know that they’re selling an image one that must be attractive and pleasing. “Look here’s what you’ll get — someone handsome/beautiful dignified put-together someone you’ll be proud to be seen in public with and someone you’ll enjoy having around you all the time.”

Unfortunately however there is no instinct to win over someone you’ve already won over. Now several months years or decades into a secure married relationship spouses don’t even believe that superficial aspects matter. “That’s for when you don’t know each other — it’s not for marriage. Now your partner has plenty of reason to appreciate and love you; you don’t have to ‘sell’ yourself anymore. Marital love is much deeper than that.”

So wrong.

Some Things Never Change

Whether we like it or not we’re human till the day we die. We never get tired of good food a good night’s rest the beauty of a sunset or the pleasing aspects of human appearance. And when it comes to appearance the majority of us are fairly easily pleased: clean respectable and healthy-looking are basic criteria that appeal to most people.

Basic as that short list is it cannot be assumed to be present in all spouses. Now that a married person is comfortable at home he or she may very well neglect one or more of the items on the list. It doesn’t seem so important now to brush one’s teeth twice a day or manage other aspects of hygiene. We’re heimish here. It doesn’t feel important to dress up anymore — what’s wrong with slouch clothes that are oh-so-comfortable? Does it matter that much if they are a bit torn soiled or badly fitted? We’re at home alone right? And as for healthy-looking — well you know we’re not as young as we used to be so how healthy-looking can we expect to be already? But you love me right? So it doesn’t matter anymore right?

So wrong.

Keep Your Promise

Courtship is supposed to last 120 years. Blessed is the couple that follows that sage advice from our Sages. Imagine a man and a woman who — decades later — are still making a point to behave just as they did when they first met — speaking nicely looking good being thoughtful kind and considerate! They are true to their advertisement of themselves: “this is what you’ll get when you get me.” How happy they must be.

Indeed the closer we stay to the promise we offered the happier we will all be. Did you try your best to look great back then? Then do it every day now as well. Were you careful to comport yourself with dignity and respect? Then do it every day now as well. (Of course if someone agrees to marry you when you showed up wearing unkempt clothing sporting messy hair and making rude noises — then I suppose you can carry on that way now as well too.)

Maintaining standards of attractiveness throughout marriage is important. Of course it takes more effort to do so than to let everything go. But this is nothing new: successful outcomes in learning business parenting and every other aspect of life are linked to some sort of effort. There are consequences for slacking off in marriage just as in any other part of life. But most importantly there are rewards for continued effort — in This World and in the World to Come.