When irrelevance gathers to be ignored and banana republics try to form a human rights committee with a straight face

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hey came. They condemned. They flew home in economy class.

At the Bogota Summit, the world’s weakest militaries threatened the world’s most battle-tested, proving that truth is funnier than fiction.

Formed just a few months ago, the Hague Group was launched by frustrated governments, led by South Africa and Colombia, once they realized that even the world’s most anti-Israel institutions couldn’t keep Israel from doing what it does best: surviving. So a new coalition was born, one in which countries with little strategic leverage could at least coordinate a shared sense of righteous indignation.

This week, 32 nations (well, 31 nations plus one tiny smudge on the map) gathered in Bogota, Colombia, under the self-important banner of the “Hague Group.” On paper, they’re a consortium of concerned countries convening over concern for Gaza. In reality, it’s a who’s who of the Third World’s most irrelevant countries and micro nations, united by their hate of Israel and their shared cluelessness over how to channel it.

To be honest, this wasn’t a summit so much as a support group for virtue-signaling banana republics. We got recycled denunciations of Israel from regimes whose own track records on human rights make Gaza look like Geneva. Or vice versa.

In attendance were a full quorum of countries whose collective military power wouldn’t make it past the IDF’s recruitment office, and also China. Participants included:

Cuba (human rights beacon by day, prison island by night)

South Africa (turns on electricity just long enough to issue condemnations against Israel)

Libya (once a country, now a suggestion on Google Maps; with oil)

Indonesia (banned Israeli athletes from competing but expects applause for “tolerance”)

Malaysia (unhealthily obsessed with a country it doesn’t believe exists)

Namibia (still living off that one time they gained independence in the ’90s)

Iraq (still sorting out which foreign power runs which province, but absolutely certain that Israel is to blame for everything that goes wrong in Gaza)

Bolivia (expelled Israel’s ambassador so fast, they forgot to check if anyone noticed)

Saint Vincent & the Grenadines (not sure if their vote counts as one or two, but just as irrelevant as the rest) and a smattering of powerhouses like Botswana, Honduras, Djibouti, Nicaragua, Slovenia, Uruguay, and Lebanon, whose combined national GDPs could fit into a Tel Aviv parking meter.

Leaders with zero control over their own borders wasted two days nodding off to speeches about sovereignty and international law. Some were on shaky ground back home, one or two may not be in office by the time this article goes to print. Which, honestly, is about as much attention as the resolution deserved; I’m only covering it because, frankly, it was too entertaining not to.

But for 48 glorious hours, they basked in the glow of limited media coverage and faux diplomatic gravitas, pretending that their signatures on paper could somehow handcuff the IDF or override the Iron Dome, across resolutions not worth the back of the paper tiger they were inscribed upon.

In the end, the came up with a six-point declaration, which reads like a UN parody, written by an AI bot, after being fed nothing but Al Jazeera.

1. Immediate embargo on Israel of arms, munitions, fuel, and military equipment

Most Likely Proposed By: Iraq or St. Vincent & the Grenadines

Snide Note: A bold call from countries that whose militaries are mostly used for crowd control and intimidation at home.

2 & 3. Banning ships from docking, transporting, or passing through if they’re suspected of carrying military goods to Israel

Most Likely Proposed By: Botswana or Bolivia (with Slovenia getting a dishonorable mention)

Snide Note: Proudly proposed by a landlocked nation that hasn’t had a navy since the Mabul.

4. Sanctions on companies operating in the “occupied” territories

Most Likely Proposed By: Colombia or Indonesia

Snide Note: Brought to you by former colonies now busy bulldozing indigenous rights faster than you can say “hypocrisy.”

5. Prosecution of Israeli officials at the ICC

Most Likely Proposed By: Libya or Nicaragua

Snide Note: A bold legal initiative from regimes whose own citizens are more likely to disappear than get a court date.

6. Support for South Africa’s “genocide” case

Most Likely Proposed By: Pakistan or Cuba

Snide Note: Undersigned by countries still trying to define what freedom of speech means, mostly by banning it.

Only 12 delegations signed onto the final six-point resolution. The other 20 either abstained, objected, or got lost somewhere between the buffet and the group photo.

Among the countries that apparently don’t hate Israel quite enough — at least not to meet the standards set by Colombia and South Africa — are Qatar, Lebanon, Turkey, Algeria, Pakistan and even the Palestinian Authority itself. The 20 nations who didn’t vote in favor have been given a deadline of September 20 to get with the program, just in time for the UN General Assembly and its deluge of anti-Israel resolutions.

Meanwhile, Francesca Albanese, the UN Special Rapporteur for all things anti-Israel, described the summit as “the most significant political development of the past 20 months.” Which proves, once again, that there’s no angle to the Gaza War she can’t be spectacularly wrong about.

The Hague Group isn’t about peace or accountability. It’s an off-key orchestra of outrage, oblivious to octave, objectivity, or optics. It’s a limited limelight for the laughable, lacking luster and legitimacy. It’s a mini megaphone for the marginalized, muffled by mediocrity. It’s a conference call of conscience, conducted by cowards, cloaked in clichés. It’s a pity parade of principle, full of potholes, plot holes, and platitudes.

The Hague Group is a safe space for irrelevant regimes to take moral swings at the Middle East’s only democracy without risking anything themselves. They shout “colonialism” while signing over territory to China, they shriek “occupation” while inviting in mercenaries from Russia, they cry “genocide” while hosting Hamas reps in their own safe houses. They yearn for a free Palestine, as long as it’s ruled by rocket-firing warlords who want them dead all the same.

The bottom line is, you can’t embargo what you don’t supply, just like you can’t shame what you never respected. And you certainly can’t expect to be taken seriously when you treat terrorism like resistance and self-defense like a war crime.

The Hague Group didn’t change the world. But they did remind us just how unserious some countries can be when they gather to sound serious.

Israel isn’t worried. Neither is anyone else. Except maybe the guy who paid for the catering.

This would all be mildly amusing, if it weren’t so downright hilarious.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1071)