It’s quite a shocking revelation: We can take on stringencies in tzniyus make resolutions about more time for Torah learning accept hiddurim in Shabbos observance — but all those efforts are basically worthless in cleaning our spiritual slate if we haven’t yet appeased our fellow man.

If you have a chance to look through the sefer Michtav Me’Eliyahu an appropriate preparation for Yom Kippur the following quote may make you as it did me feel a bit uncomfortable — but it will be a good sort of discomfort: “Chazal say ‘Regarding transgressions between man and his fellow Yom Kippur does not atone until one appeases the other person.’” (Yoma 5:9)

Rav Dessler points out that the Mishnah does not say “Yom Kippur does not atone for them” as we would expect it to say but simply “Yom Kippur does not atone.” The Tanna omitting the words “for them ” seems to imply that if someone has sinned against his fellow man and has not appeased him then Yom Kippur does not atone at all not even for transgressions between man and G-d!

What Rav Dessler has revealed is a painful and shocking truth — that all our efforts to correct ourselves in the area of tzniyus for example or bittul Torah or hilchos Shabbos or tefillah are worthless if we don’t appease those we have hurt.

But do any of us really appreciate the full impact of Rav Dessler’s words? This is not an easy idea to accept because intuitively we would think what does one have to do with the other? If I improve my dedication to Torah study start answering “Amen” with greater kavanah deepen my sense of tzniyus or take any other positive step in the realm of bein adam laMakom why would my teshuvah in these matters not be accepted even if I “didn’t get around” to repairing the breaches between my fellow man and myself?

Yet Rav Dessler insists that — based on the 16th-century kabbalist Rav Moshe Cordevero — the key to having our teshuvah accepted by the Heavenly Tribunal is found in our relations with others. Although we all know the importance of mitzvos bein adam l’chaveiro we wouldn’t intuitively think that our lapses in that area would completely block our way to atonement. It’s actually quite frightening.

In the introduction to a sefer of Rav Shimon Shkop the venerated rosh yeshivah of Grodno we are enlightened with the following words: “Blessed be the Creator and exalted be the Maker Who created us in His image and likeness and planted eternal life within us so that great should be our desire to do good for our fellow man both to the individual and the community both in the present and in the future in resemblance to the Creator as it were for in everything that He created and formed His desire was solely to benefit His creatures. Thus it is His will that we conduct ourselves in His ways that is that we should be the choicest of His creatures and our goal always be to dedicate our physical and spiritual powers to the good of the community in accordance with our status…” Much of the sefer deals with a deep textual analysis of the mitzvah to always consider how to benefit our fellow man and this introductory passage too supports the idea that doing good toward others and treating them with respect are the very essence of Hashem’s will emanating from a Divine power that He implanted within us and expects us to realize in our lives. Thus there is no real division between interpersonal mitzvos and our obligations directly toward G-d. Yet how many of us know of stories — perhaps in our own lives — of people meticulous in performing mitzvos losing their lofty footing when they came to a din Torah falling into the transgressions of lying lashon hara shaming others and more. Perhaps this comes from a warped view of our own self-perception: We certainly consider ourselves well-bred civil good-mannered people who definitely meet the accepted standards of proper behavior toward others. Sure we sometimes slip but on the whole we’re okay. Aren’t we? And here is where the danger lies: Is our self-perception an accurate reflection of our true interpersonal relations or is it colored by resentments jealousy insecurity and self-pity? Years ago a survey was taken in Israel. The first question was how would you rate the quality of interpersonal relations in Israel? Nearly 90 percent of the respondents gave their countrymen bad marks in this area illustrating their opinions with many enlightening examples. The second question was how would you rate your own behavior toward others? To this question 90 percent responded that they were satisfied with their own performance.

What the survey clearly shows is that people are unable to judge themselves objectively. When it comes to ourselves we resort to all types of rationalizations — personal interests that skew our view of the matter at hand including our self-perception. And there lies the pit we fall into when it comes to interpersonal mitzvos. Because of our “false positive” view of ourselves we sin in this area without even being aware of it and it never occurs to us that we ought to apologize and make it up to the other person. And we aren’t even aware that we now have a big problem as Yom Kippur is on the horizon.

It is told that when the Steipler Rav was already elderly he once appeared uninvited at a bar mitzvah party. It was difficult for him to get around but he exerted himself to go and of course the baalei simchah were stricken with awe at his unexpected appearance. The Steipler went up to the bar mitzvah boy wished him mazel tov and then he said loudly enough for all the people around him to hear “And I ask your forgiveness.” Then he left the hall leaving the crowd gaping and perplexed. What was that all about?

A family member solved the mystery. Some months previously on Yom Kippur the boy and his father had davened in the Steipler’s beis medrash. The elderly Rav “happened” to pass by the boy and saw that he was holding a book much larger than a standard machzor. Due to his failing eyesight he assumed that the boy was learning Gemara and said to him “Child we are davening now not learning.” The boy replied “I am davening. This is my machzor.”

The Steipler realized he had erred. He had entertained a wrongful suspicion and had surely hurt the boy’s feelings and he must ask for mechilah. But since the boy was not yet bar mitzvah he could not give mechilah according to halachah. The Steipler made a mental note to find out when the boy was to become bar mitzvah and when the date arrived he promptly went to ask for forgiveness.

May all of us be zocheh to clear our records and receive full atonement this Yom Kippur. Gemar chasimah tovah.