The kindness that starts at home is what truly qualifies a person as a master of chesed

One of the privileges of working in the rabbinate is that you get to know other rabbanim. You come to exchange different ideas, insights, and war stories. You also get to learn their struggles.

There’s one struggle that seems to affect all who hold rabbinic positions and I’m sure many others as well. And that is: the community-family balance. Our job is inherently community-based, and it becomes too easy for that overwhelming focus to crowd out the primary priority: family.

As important as it is to invest one’s life in the community and its collective growth, we must always keep in mind that “chesed starts at home.” And as we conclude the parshiyos of the Torah about the life story of Avraham Avinu, the paragon of chesed, we must also learn from him the lessons of how to properly emulate his celebrated middah in a healthy and balanced manner.

The Midrash says that the greatest demonstration of Avraham Avinu’s chesed was the effort he invested in burying Sarah, his wife. The importance of this display of kindness eclipsed that of the chesed of hosting three strangers on scorching hot day right after undergoing a surgery (bris milah) at an extremely advanced age. It surpassed Avraham Avinu’s entire life, which exemplified chesed at the highest level. How is this possible?

The answer is that the Midrash is teaching us a crucial lesson about chesed. Doing chasadim for others in the community and for outsiders — giving people rides, making supper for a friend, greeting someone warmly — fulfills a beautiful mitzvah and embodies a wonderful virtue. However, what defined Avraham Avinu as a “baal chesed” was not that type of chesed, but the chesed he showed to his wife. The kindness that starts at home is what truly qualifies a person as a master of chesed. And a person who is an incredible baal chesed in his public life but fails to demonstrate chesed at home has shown that he lacks the core and foundation of this vital middah.

Pele Yoetz discusses the mitzvah of inviting guests, and comments that sometimes it is wrong to invite guests — such as when the family members won’t feel part of the meal, or will feel significant inconvenience or resentment due to the guests’ presence in the home over Shabbos.

So now we have to contend with a tension between two lofty ideals and attempt to thread the needle on balancing them. On one hand, the mitzvah of welcoming guests is such a special and unique mitzvah. But at the same time, hosting guests may interfere with the vital ideal of having quality family time on Shabbos, when we are free to give our spouse and children the attention they so rightfully deserve.

This is about balancing between being a community person and being a person whose focus is the “chesed at home.” Hosting people is wonderful. But taking care of our family is also wonderful, and it comes first.

Many men are able to learn with a chavrusa at ease and have the patience for their questions and idiosyncrasies, yet have no tolerance for teaching and educating their own children. I recently heard that in a certain large community, for the “Avos Ubanim” learning sessions, they team up to have each father learn with someone else’s child; the father is then more patient and gets through the learning more smoothly and efficiently. Similarly, I know of some girls who so easily forsake their little siblings to do their “chesed hours” at someone else’s home, leaving their own overwhelmed mothers in the lurch.

How can this be the case? If the purest form of chesed is that which we do at home — the care and the love we provide to our spouses, siblings, and children — why is that always the most difficult form of chesed to do?

The answer is obvious. Chesed done for the community, for your friends, neighbors, shul, school, wins you acclaim and social credit. It’s more likely to be appreciated and more likely to score you points in society. That makes it the chesed that’s easier to do. Chesed done at home is more pristine and Divine — because it’s the most real and altruistic chesed you can do. You give without expecting a glittery return. You give without anticipating honor and prestige as a result of your actions, so it’s simply less enticing.

Perhaps we can add one more dimension of chesed at home that can serve as a powerful incentive to focus on it more: It’s the only chesed that guarantees your happiness. If you invest in your spouse, your children, and your siblings, your home will inevitably reciprocate and repay that chesed over time. Your family members will live up to your aspirations for what they should ultimately become, and how they should ultimately act.

It might take some time. But every chesed comes back full circle at some point. As the famous Baal HaTurim teaches us, the Hebrew word “v’nasnu,” to give to others, is a unique word — a palindrome — that can be read exactly the same way forward and backward. This alludes to the fact that chesed has a boomerang effect, coming back at some point to the person who gave it. It’s the long game that you are playing, and this is certainly the winning strategy.

A descendant of the Chofetz Chaim once came late to Shacharis, and someone asked him why. He replied, “I planned on coming on time, but I encountered an overworked and overwhelmed young mother. Her three children had to be fed, the baby needed his diaper changed, and someone needed to grab the garbage and take it outside. So I stopped to help her.”

The person was thoroughly impressed, he said, “Who is this woman? We should all go and help her.”

“It’s my wife,” said the man.

Sometimes we forget how much chesed there is to do at home.

Rav Elazar Shach ztz”l once told one of his students that he had no right to tutor a boy who needed extra help learning Torah if this man’s wife needed help with the kids early that morning getting to school. His reason: “Chesed starts at home.” First make sure your wife is taken care of, then help boys who need extra help learning Torah.

A friend of mine related to me a very interesting story relevant to this theme. A number of years ago, Yeshiva University celebrated the 50th anniversary of Rav Hershel Schachter serving as rosh yeshivah. They interviewed him on this occasion, and asked him an interesting question: “What are you most proud of accomplishing in these 50 years of service?”

His powerful response: “Over this 50-year period I am most proud of raising together with my eishes chayil a wonderful family. To me, that comes way before anything I accomplished on behalf of the klal.”

This is the lesson we learn from the chesed of Avraham Avinu, and the fact that his burial of his wife was ranked his greatest feat. Before we spread the light to others, we must first focus inward, ensuring that our spouse, children, siblings, and parents are our first priority. Then, and only then, will our light successfully fill the globe and brighten it. Because as great as our community and kehillah is, the foundation and core of it all is the Jewish home. —

Rabbi Aryeh Kerzner is the rav of Agudas Yisrael of Montreal and a noted posek and popular speaker. Many of his shiurim and speeches are available online. He is the author of the sefer Halachah at Home, published by ArtScroll/Mesorah

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1037)