When increased compensation is offered, it usually means there’s complexity involved; it may indicate desperation

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer

About three years ago, I got a call from Mrs. Silver. She was distressed that her daughter Aliza wasn’t married yet.

“She’s exactly what every boy should want,” she told me forcefully. “And she’s already 25 and still single. I can’t understand it!” We talked about her daughter for a few minutes and then she said, “If you make her shidduch, I’ll pay you $7,000.”

“Ma!” Apparently, Aliza was nearby.

“Aliza, I really want you to get married, and if this is what it takes, so be it!”

Such propositions weren’t new to me. There are parents who will send me a check — here’s $500, or $1,000, or even $2,000 — the unspoken message being: please prioritize my son or daughter.

This makes me uncomfortable because I feel like they’re bribing me (kind of because they are). They do it because it works — maybe due to guilt, or maybe out of a sense of obligation, it’s human nature that when you receive a gift you’re naturally more inclined to favor the giver.

I don’t encourage such an approach. But if a shadchan does set up your child, a show of hakaras hatov is appropriate and appreciated, and will work in your favor. When increased compensation is offered, it usually means there’s complexity involved; it may indicate desperation. That was definitely the situation in Mrs. Silver’s case.

I later discovered that Aliza had been in a car accident as a young girl. She’d suffered severe injuries and needed several surgeries — her pelvis had been shattered and her skull fractured, among other things. Her recovery was long and drawn out, but baruch Hashem, she’d fully recovered with no lasting effects.

Still, everyone knew about the accident, and people were nervous, unsure what it could mean for her functioning, future health, or fertility. Her doctors were optimistic, but no one could guarantee anything.