This column is a somewhat delayed response to the enlightening remarks of a first-rate educator Rabbi Shneur Aisenstark and to the reflections of my friend Rabbi Yonason Rosenblum on those remarks. Both touched upon one of the most sensitive issues facing our society today: youth at risk. And while both clearly recognize the illness each prescribes a different treatment.

Rabbi Aisenstark argues that unconditional love has its limits; a parent’s love for HaKadosh Baruch Hu must take precedence over his love for a wayward child. That means that when conflicts arise between the two loves it is obvious who must come first. Rabbi Rosenblum on the other hand argues against any form of estrangement or banishment of such children citing the advice of Rabbi Uri Zohar who in his new book counsels parents to be extremely patient.

Yet neither Rabbi Aisenstark nor Rabbi Rosenblum has offered a cure for this rampant illness. Treating local symptoms yes — but no more than that; for as much as one can formulate general rules for an approach towards a rebellious son or daughter one can never assume that one case is like another and that there is ever a similar particular parent-child dynamic.

A prominent non-Jewish educator who as a teenager was sent to a boarding school wrote about how he followed in his mentor’s footsteps eventually entering the field of education and becoming principal of a boarding school himself. One day some students revolted and remembering how his own mentor – his principal – handled the situation he implemented the same measures to suppress the rebellion and restore calm. But the result was a miserable failure. In fact his response only aggravated the situation.

Chagrined he wrote a letter to his mentor telling him what had happened and how he had taken the same steps. Where he wanted to know had he gone wrong?

The mentor’s reply was not long in coming. He wrote to his protégé “You didn’t mention what day of the week it was when the rebellion broke out or what time of day or what the weather was like at the time.” In other words he was hinting that nothing can really be imitated because no instance is quite the same as another. Even a seemingly negligible detail such as the weather could make a profound difference.

Of course this is not to say that one shouldn’t learn from the experience of others — of course one should — but one must always remember that the surrounding  “weather conditions” are unique to every case and therefore a unique approach is always required. Human beings are not created on an assembly line; each person is a world unto himself.

Rabbi Aisenstark cited a wonderful example of how the gaon Rav Shimon Schwab scolded his children when they were misbehaving at the Pesach Seder: [YL1] Pounding his fist on the table Rav Schwab declared “My dear children I love you very much but I love HaKadosh Baruch Hu more.” Stunned the rowdy children quieted down immediately. Those young boys grew up to be distinguished rabbanim who recall that the incident changed their lives.

In my opinion however Rav Schwab took a great gamble. Baruch Hashem he gambled and won but his action cannot be held up as an educational icon for others to emulate. Rav Schwab was a great talmid chacham and yireh Shamayim and inwardly he felt the truth of every word that came out of his mouth. His interior matched his exterior perfectly and consequently his announcement came across as totally credible; that’s why it had a lasting positive influence on his children. If another father tried the same thing he might do irreparable damage. Afterwards he might say in chagrin “But I learned it from Rav Schwab! Show a child that he’s in competition with HaKadosh Baruch Hu for your love and you’ll see what kind of power you actually have over him! Why didn’t it work? you ask. Why did my children laugh at me and move further away from Yiddishkeit?”

The powerful influence of Rav Schwab’s declaration didn’t emanate from the words themselves but from the inner character of the man who spoke them. Does every father measure up to Rav Schwab in this regard? So the anecdote while inspirational cannot serve as a practical guide. The climate surrounding each situation is what determines the success or failure of a particular technique.

Similarly Rabb Zohar’s advice as mentioned by Rabbi Rosenblum also depends on “weather conditions” for its success. Rabbi Zohar advocates early intervention to prevent future problems. He recommends fostering a close relationship with children while they are still very young not just testing them on their studies but encouraging them to talk about whatever is troubling them. Sage advice but again it depends very much on the personality of the father or mother. Do the unspoken messages match the spoken words or are two different conversations taking place?

Are the parents anxiety-ridden fearful non-trusting of their child? When a father is smiling and listening attentively to his son is he perhaps really judging him negatively inside? Does the boy sense this? If the prevailing “weather conditions” include subliminal messages that contradict the expressed message then that “meaningful” conversation won’t achieve its goal.

Years ago I met a young man who had “gone off the derech” and somehow ended up in an Arachim seminar where I was lecturing. He confessed to me that although his parents had asked him not to show his face at home they’d kept the channels of communication open. His father sent a stream of people to talk with him and try to convince him to return to tradition. The father himself created opportunities to meet with him and he always spoke gently. His mother too would sometimes show signs of affection by coming around to his lodgings with Shabbos food parcels and the like. But the more they kowtowed to him as he put it the angrier he got and it only served to push him further away.

I couldn’t understand his point of view. “Why do you call it kowtowing? Can’t you see that they’re doing all they can not to cut ties with you? Why does that anger you so much?”

“Kevod Harav” he said. “Since I’m speaking honestly with you I’ll tell you the truth. I don’t believe them.”

He went on to explain that he felt his parents didn’t really care about him about what he was going through when he drifted away from yeshivah. They cared about one thing only he said: the stain he was leaving on the family’s name which was hurting their chances of getting good shidduchim for his sisters.

“That means he needs me in the house as a ben Torah not for my sake but for his. I’m supposed to provide indemnity for them but I really mean nothing to them!”

“Is that what your father told you that he’s only worried about the shidduchim?”

“No he’d never say a thing like that. And it’s possible I’m wrong… but my intuition tells it to me and it makes the pain worse. I’m not important to my parents. All they want is that I shouldn’t tarnish the family image. But what about my feelings? What about my suffering? That doesn’t matter! The only thing I exist for is to be a prop in their show!”

I don’t know what became of him in the end. But several years later I happened to meet the boy’s father. He knew I’d had some interaction with his son and introduced himself to me. I told him frankly what his son had revealed to me emphasizing particularly that the boy felt that all his parents’ efforts to get him to do teshuvah were only for the purpose of improving their daughters’ chances for good shidduchim.

The father stared at me in silence with grief in his eyes. After what seemed like eternity he finally said in a hoarse whisper “You know he was right… That was what made it so urgent for us at the time. I didn’t realize that he sensed it…”

Food for Thought

“Know… before Whom you are destined to give judgment and accounting” (Avos 3:1)

Doesn’t the accounting come first and afterward judgment is given on the basis of the accounting? No. Before judgment the neshamhah is asked what is the judgment of one who transgresses such-and-such? And according to the neshamah’s answer an accounting is done of the transgressions it committed in life.

(Rebbe Dovid of Leova)