Shaindy is delighted; her mother is babysitting while she and her husband Chaim are about to enjoy a long-awaited two-day vacation. They’ve decided to go to the city where they can enjoy sightseeing restaurants and shopping. And now they find themselves in a charming boutique full of interesting knick-knacks and accessories.

“Wow! Just look at this scarf!” Shaindy exclaims excitedly. “It matches everything in my wardrobe!”

“Don’t buy it” growls Chaim. “You’ve spent too much already. This is why our credit card bill looks the way it does every month.”

Shaindy drops the scarf and marches out of the store. She refuses to talk to Chaim for the remainder of their vacation.

What just happened?

Shaindy’s Perspective

“I was so excited about this vacation. We haven’t been alone since Dovey was born eight years ago. I was looking forward to being together being free of responsibility and having some fun. For me shopping is part of the experience. We never get to the city. It wasn’t meant to be a shopping spree but I definitely intended to pick up a couple of souvenirs. That scarf for instance would have been a constant reminder of a wonderful day in my marriage. That’s why I dropped it like a hot potato once he bit my head off. I would have remembered his tone and the angry look on his face every time I put it on and there was no way I wanted that memory! When he spoke to me like that — like he was my father or something — I felt shocked and disgusted. It came out of left field. I had been in such a good mood and then — pow! After what he said and the way he said it I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I just wanted to be alone. That’s why I stopped talking to him. He ruined my excitement my fun our closeness. He ruined everything!” 

Chaim’s Perspective

“Yes we were on vacation and yes shopping could have been a small part of it. But do you know how much that scarf cost? I saw the price tag! Shaindy is totally irresponsible. Sure she wants a scarf but she’s not the one who will have to pay that bill when it rolls in at the end of the month. I try my hardest to take care of our family. I work day and night. It all falls on my shoulders. I’m the one who pays the bills and manages our finances. I’ve asked Shaindy repeatedly to take over the job or even sit down and do it with me but she always tells me she’s too busy. But then when I tell her she has to cut down on her spending she treats me like I’m the enemy! I’m doing it for us for goodness sake! I’m trying to be responsible. Is that a crime? And when she picks up an item like that scarf knowing full well that it’s a luxury item we can’t afford I get mad. It feels like she doesn’t care about me at all like she doesn’t even know me. My stress seems to mean nothing to her. And then she thinks she’s going to punish me by not talking for the rest of our vacation?  She’s punishing herself! She ruined our vacation.”

Irreconcilable Differences

As long as Shaindy and Chaim view life from their own unique perspectives they will experience many hurt and lonely moments in their marriage. Inside their heads and hearts they cannot see their partner the larger picture or obvious solutions to their problems.

For instance in this particular case an outsider could see that the “scarf problem” was preventable; having a clear discussion about the holiday budget before the holiday was one measure that could have been taken. Alternatively if money issues have arisen before in this marriage noting them and taking steps to resolve them (possibly with professional help) could have helped prevent the sudden eruption of the issue “in the moment.” If the couple had not yet acknowledged the presence of unresolved money issues they could have at least used healthy communication skills to address the upset within minutes of its occurrence. For example Shaindy and Chaim could have acknowledged that they were both pretty upset and needed a few minutes to calm down after which they could calmly discuss the issue striving to understand the other person’s perspective and searching for ways to resolve it more or less happily for both of them. If they lacked the skill to do this they could note that and plan to take steps to acquire the skills for the future. The vacation could have been saved.

Irreconcilable differences melt away when a husband and wife search for common ground and don’t allow small hurts to spiral out of control.