“Like, imagine what the engagement will be like!” Naomi fretted. “And the wedding. And going to them for Shabbos. And everything! I want my kids to have a normal relationship with their grandparents. I can’t marry into this… family feud.”

“You’re saying that you don’t have a problem with them having a different lifestyle, only with the fact that they don’t accept Daniel and his choices.”

“Right.” She paused to collect her thoughts. “It’s not his being different that bothers me. It’s the lack of emotional support, the outright disapproval and rejection.” She was getting more and more worked up. “I don’t want my life to be a constant battle. That’s not for me.”

“I hear you, Naomi. But maybe it’s not as bad as you think. Why don’t you take time to process. Sleep on it, and let’s see how you feel about it tomorrow.”

I hung up and got to work.

First I called Daniel. I asked him how he dealt with his parents.

He sighed. “I do my best. Right now I actually just started working on a degree in social work. I figured if I do eventually become a rebbi or rav, it would be beneficial to have a masters in counseling. But it’s such a sore topic at home, I only told them about the bachelors, I didn’t want to say anything about the masters until I decided for sure to go ahead with it. Now I’m in the program, but I haven’t told them yet. I need to find the right opening….”

I thought this piece of information could make a huge difference to Daniel’s relationship with his parents. It could change their view of him from a disappointment to a success and earn him some approval.

With his permission, I called Daniel’s parents. I told them how impressed I was with their son and how well respected he was among his peers. I explained to them that it wasn’t common for a boy his age to go for semichah, and I expressed my admiration at his motivation and commitment to go for a masters in counseling so that he could be the best and most effective rav or rebbi he could be.

Daniel’s mother was cool. “That’s all very nice, but we wanted him to be a lawyer and join my husband in his practice.”

“I know,” I commiserated. “It’s hard when our kids don’t follow our dreams. It’s hard when a soft-spoken boy has parents who dreamed of him becoming a doctor, or a lawyer’s son wants nothing more than to be a chef. It’s tricky — we want to show them we love them, despite the fact that we may be disappointed with their choices.”

There was silence at the other end. Maybe I had overstepped my boundaries.

“Well, thank you for calling, Mrs. Leiman. It was nice speaking with you.”

A few days later Daniel’s parents called him, and they came to some mutual understanding.

But in the meantime, Naomi was pulling out. She couldn’t make peace with the idea of in-laws who didn’t accept and support their son. Try as I might, she would not budge.

And the shidduch ended, just like that.

Three months later Naomi called me. “I need to talk to you,” she said. “One of my close friends is going out with Daniel, but she’s all wrong for him!”

“Really?” My eyebrows rose. “Why is that?”

“She’s just all wrong for him. What’s he doing going out with her? It really bothers me. She’ll never be able to appreciate him!”

“Well,” I said, “as you’re obviously aware, they’re dating pretty happily, and it’s going well.”

Naomi blew out a breath. “Fine, Mrs. Leiman, but it’s neeever gonna work.”

Three days later, she called me again.

“Mrs. Leiman, this is just wrong. Why is he continuing to go out with her? She’s not his type!”

When Naomi called the next week for a third time, I could sense the rising panic in her voice. “I can’t watch him make a mistake! I should be dating him!”

Nothing brings more clarity than your friend dating the boy you considered. Usually, just the idea alone is enough.

“You know, Naomi, you had your chance. Have you changed your mind?”

“Yes.” She sounded like she was choking. “I want to go out with him again. Nobody compares to him. He’s the one I’m supposed to marry!”

That night, Daniel, who knew nothing of my conversation with Naomi, broke off with Naomi’s friend. I gave him a few days then gently asked if he would be willing to go out with Naomi again.

He was willing. She was thrilled. It was a beautiful wedding.

Shani Leiman is a teacher, shadchan, and dating coach. She lives in  Silver Spring, Maryland.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 744)