What happens when our own flesh and blood behaves so differently from us?

The school called to tell me that my daughter had been suspended. I who never misbehaved in my entire life have a daughter who could behave so badly that she could be suspended from school! I was dismayed shocked and ashamed beyond belief.

How is it possible that our children can be so different from us? Don’t we share the same genes? parents wonder. How can my son be caught shoplifting when I am so honest that I return to stores to give them a penny that I owe them? How can my child be so lazy when I’m such a hard worker? How can my child be a bully when I’m such a sensitive kind person?

Don’t Identify

When the differences are good ones parents like to take credit for the latent genes that may be at play: I guess he gets his generosity from my father who was also very giving. However when the differences are not so positive parents don’t want to identify with the child. No one in our family ever acted like that. This is a total aberration a one-of-a-kind. Honestly I can’t believe this child is related to us!

Ashamed of Our Child

Parents cannot make their children do think or feel anything. At every age — from infancy through adulthood — children are independent beings. Parents can guide them and even influence them but they cannot control them. Too bad. The inability to control children gives parents a lot of grief.

When a child is different from the parent in a way the parent disapproves of the parent often feels shame. For instance when the child lies or steals while the parent is honest and upright the parent will often feel (along with many other feelings) a strong sense of shame. This is an interesting phenomenon. Shame is something that people feel when they know they’ve done something dishonorable or when they have been exposed as inadequate or lacking. But what did the parent do that was dishonorable when it is the child who is stealing and lying? What did the parent do wrong when it was the child who got suspended? How is the parent inadequate when the child performs poorly in school?

Nachas

Parental shame may be more understandable when we look at the phenomenon of nachas — pride in our children. People may feel proud when they accomplish something good. Interestingly parents feel proud when they see their kids succeeding. They have nachas. The more that others recognize the success of the child the more nachas the parent feels. But why should the parent feel pride? What was it that the parent accomplished? If the child is doing very well in school how is the parent being successful?

At some level the parent is accepting control over the child’s performance. My child — my flesh and blood — the product of everything that I have done every day in raising him is now producing admirable results. Ultimately his success is my success. I am proud of “us.”

Similarly when the child performs poorly parents feel shame because at some level they are accepting control over the child’s performance. My child — my flesh and blood — the product of everything that I have done every day in raising him is performing terribly. Ultimately his failure is my failure. I am ashamed of “us.”

Raising Children

The parent’s job is to raise the child to bring him to a higher place. We can be proud of ourselves or ashamed of ourselves for the way we behave in parenting. However since the child’s success and failure is out of our control we need to step back. We should not accept credit or blame for the child’s performance (except in those areas where we did something that directly impacted positively or negatively on the outcome).

When we find that we do have a negative role to play then teshuvah (self-improvement) is in order — not guilt and shame. However in most situations the parent bears no direct responsibility for the actions of the child. Instead of accepting guilt for the child’s behavior parents need to accept responsibility for helping the child grow through the experience.

When the child has been suspended from school she needs a parent who can help her get back on her feet. It is Hashem who controls the world not the parent. Therefore the parent can assume that Hashem has sent the suspension issue to the parent to be dealt with in the best possible way. All parents have parenting challenges. Instead of feeling shame for having a poorly performing child parents can feel proud of the way they choose to handle the situation. And choosing to handle the situation well is the one thing that parents can control.