Parenting expert Mrs. Rivka Levitansky gave four mothers six strategies to tackle squabbling siblings. Here's what happened

Not too long ago, when my friends would lament to me about how often and intensely their children fought with each other, I’d murmur empathetic responses, but deep inside, I’d thank Hashem (maybe a little smugly, if I’m being honest) that my children really got along quite well.

But gam zeh yaavor, and after one particularly grueling day of seemingly nonstop bickering, I’d had enough. I needed more than just my improvised ideas or tips from parenting books, so I turned to Mrs. Rivka Levitansky, of Positive Parenting courses, whom I knew both from taking her course in the past and also from when she lived in Cleveland. Over the course of our conversation, she gave me six strategies to try out. And because it’s always more fun to do things with friends, I reached out to some mothers I know and asked if they’d like to try this out with their kids, too.

Once I had my volunteers, I sent them each an email with a write-up of those six tips. We all tried them out during the week of Shavuos, and after the week was up, each mother wrote up how it went and sent it to me.

Here are the brave participants:

Adina from Rhode Island has children ranging in age from 6 to 18, all boys. My biggest sibling rivalry challenge is when my boys get physical with each other. In the past when they fought, I would try to talk it out with them, but in the moment when everyone is so worked up, it doesn’t help. I’m hoping to learn some new techniques for dealing with the fighting more effectively!

Tova from Cleveland, has a bunch of boys and one girl, ranging in age from 7 to 17. Throughout the years, different sets of my kids have fought, and currently it’s my youngest two. These two boys seem magnetically attracted to each other. They will davka sit on the same couch just so one can smack the other one.

Shevy from Baltimore has girls ranging in age from 3 to 17. Since I only have girls, most of the fighting in my house is verbal. It’s so difficult when my daughters dig into each other with mean comebacks after each comment, because I know that if just of one of them were to remain quiet, the conflict would end, but it just keeps going on and on!

Rivki My children range in age from 4 to 14, a mix of boys and girls. Some of my younger children really push the buttons for some of my older ones, and I feel torn between empathizing with the annoyed kids or defending the ones doing the annoying. Mostly, I end up getting annoyed that they’re fighting!

A Tale as Old as Time

Strategy #1 — Take A Deep Breath

IF you feel your blood pressure starting to rise when your children are fighting again, try to step back from the situation. Remind yourself that it’s normal for children to fight. No one likes it, but it’s a regular part of family life, and it’s part of tzaar gidul banim. You’re not alone.

“It’s definitely something we all have to live with, because sibling rivalry has been here from time immemorial,” says Mrs. Levitansky. She reassures me that it’s not as if there’s something wrong with my children or my parenting. “It makes mothers crazy. I remember it used to make me crazy, too,” she shares. “But it’s a normal part of raising children.

“Calmness and confidence is such a big piece of it,” says Mrs. Levitansky. “Kids are going to complain, and if a mother has a mindset that it’s okay, that makes it easier.”

She notes that of course no mother is able to always hold it together, but this knowledge should hopefully make it easier.

Adina: This “technique” definitely helped me. Not sure how much it helped my boys, but taking a deep breath and trying to “ground” myself before dealing with their antics made a difference. When I was calmer I (obviously) had an easier time doing whatever needed to be done at that moment.

Tova: During Kiddush on the first night of Shavuos, two of my boys got into a fight because the older one accidentally hurt the younger one with a “friendly punch.” We sat there while the seven-year-old punched and punched him with as much power as his little fists could muster, trying not to laugh at how cute it was. It was sad in a cute way or cute in a sad way, because the seven-year-old was just so mad and so tiny, but he clearly wasn’t hurting his older brother.

I gave a quick reprimand to the older one to, for heaven’s sake, keep his hands to himself, and a reminder to the younger one, that even though he was mad (empathizing), he still couldn’t hit his brother. The general tone at the table, though, was calm (except for the seven-year-old), which I think comes from the first technique of taking a deep breath and putting it in perspective. I knew I didn’t need to panic, and that there was no need to escalate the tension by getting upset. I find that if I keep my emotions out of it, the situations die down so much faster.

Shevy: On Tuesday morning, some of my kids woke up on the wrong side of the bed, which usually leads to everyone else in the family being on the wrong side of the house. The snapping at each other started as they rushed to find their things to make it out the door on time. I felt myself getting annoyed that this was now how my morning was starting, listening to their less-than-nice comments to each other.

Normally I would intervene with a quick, “Come on, focus on what you need to do and let your sister focus on what she needs to do,” but today I just took a deep breath and reminded myself that sibling fighting is normal. I also reminded myself that I’m not the only mother starting her morning off in a less-than-pleasant way, and that invisible camaraderie gave me some chizuk. After a few more snappy comments between my kids, they moved on to laughing with each other as they ate breakfast, and I laughed to myself as I tried to make a mental reminder that I don’t need to take my role as a policewoman so seriously all the time.