The need for balance for both women and men is real, pressing, and too often ignored

Steve Blank began his career in a work culture that demanded relentless commitment — long hours, weekends, and constant availability.

It was exhilarating.

It was also destructive. His marriage, pushed aside for his all-consuming job, eventually crumbled.

“If I’d been older, wiser, or more honest with myself,” he later shared in a poignant email newsletter, “I would have understood that my wife and family should have been the most important thing in my life.”

Blank’s story is extreme, but not unique. The struggle to balance work and life is pervasive. Yet, we often frame the conversation in outdated ways, assuming balance is primarily a women’s issue — something working mothers wrestle with while men forge ahead unencumbered.

A Universal Struggle

Brené Brown, known for studying vulnerability and courage, was challenged after a book signing when a man pointed out she hadn’t addressed men’s struggles.

When Brown replied that she didn’t study men, he shot back, “Well, that’s convenient.”

He then explained, “We have shame, we have deep shame, but when we reach out and tell our stories, we get the stuffing beat out of us...” This reshaped how Brown did her research.

While her realization was about vulnerability, we should rethink gender assumptions in other areas, too.

A meta-analysis published in Live Science examining data from over 250,000 individuals found that “we need to stop talking about work-life balance as a ‘female’ struggle.” The study revealed that both men and women experience work-family conflict at nearly identical levels.

In today’s world, many men want to be present husbands and fathers. They want to dedicate time to learning, community, and personal growth while carrying the responsibility of professional success. The need for balance for both women and men is real, pressing, and too often ignored.

Defining “Life”

We all know what “work” is. It comes with a role, a schedule, and a paycheck. But what does “life” refer to?

For most, it’s about family — spending quality time with their spouse, children, and extended family. Life also includes learning, courses, exercise, and getting together with friends. It’s the ability to step away from professional responsibilities to nurture the other parts of who we are — our relationships, spirituality, and health.

Every workplace, profession, and life stage demands a different equation of work and life. Some people naturally gravitate toward more work, while others prioritize more life. But if there’s too much of either, things get off-kilter.

We also need to keep in mind that measuring balance is highly individual. Some people don’t mind eating takeout every day, while others feel like failures if they can’t feed their families home-cooked food. One warning sign that something is wrong is when we’re hiding behaviors from ourselves or others.

Recognizing Unhealthy Patterns

​As managers, we need to notice when an employee no longer has a life outside of work — when they’re always in the office, always available, and have nothing to talk about except work-related topics.

While their commitment might seem admirable, this slavish dedication will eventually rebound against both them and our company. Overcommitment drains in the short term and leads to burnout in the long term.

I once worked under a tech manager who had an extreme schedule: working until 3:30, taking care of her children for a few hours, then resuming work all evening. Once a week, she’d have a “long day,” working through the night, catching a nap at her desk, and continuing through the next day, sustained by diet Coke.

Her workaholism impacted the entire team; her constant availability made subordinates feel inadequate, unable to match her dedication.

A 2021 study by the World Health Organization and the International Labour Organization found that working 55 or more hours per week increases the risk of stroke by 35% and heart disease by 17% compared to a standard 35-40 hour workweek. ​

Additionally, research indicates that job strain — characterized by high demands and low control — can lead to poor psychological and physical health, further exacerbating the negative effects of overworking.

If you have someone like this on your team, subtly convey to others that such behavior isn’t ideal. You might say directly, “I do not expect you to work like Meira,” or let them overhear you telling the workaholic, “Meira, please leave today no later than 2; you could use a break.”

Work vs. Life Conflicts

Life doesn’t run on a predictable schedule. School performances, family simchahs, and doctor’s appointments often are scheduled during work time. As a manager, the key is recognizing that flexibility means focusing on deliverables rather than hours.

Some positions require physical presence — teachers, nurses, bank tellers. There, it’s a lot harder to be flexible because when a worker doesn’t show up, it means we either need to find a replacement or overburden the remaining workers.

Different places set their own definitions of balance. In my brother-in-law’s kollel, the official policy is that avreichim do not attend nephews’ brissen. With large families and frequent births, attending brissen would mean too many absences and it would disrupt learning.

Similarly, in the school where my daughter teaches, teachers are allowed to take off for a nephew’s bris once a year. This small allowance acknowledges the importance of family while maintaining work commitments.

However, in today’s world, the majority of jobs are about task completion regardless of when or where the work happens. That’s the case with most work in Temech, and when someone asks for time off to attend a simchah or performance, I ask myself: What would I say if this person was a freelancer?

If the work isn’t time-sensitive, I try to figure out with them how they can attend the event and make up the work.

When employees don’t have to choose between their job and their family, they’re more engaged, more loyal, and — counterintuitively — more productive. A meta-analysis of studies conducted between 2010 and 2024 found a significant and high-level correlation between FWAs (flexible work arrangements) and employee performance.

You can also make arrangements that acknowledge a difficult time of year while clarifying what you expect. I sent an email telling my team they could leave work two hours early on erev Yom Tov. This showed them that I was trying to make things easier for them — while clarifying that I did expect them to show up.

Flexibility also means recognizing unique moments. One winter, it snowed for the first time in several years. I told my employees they could work from home and take the morning off to enjoy the snow with their children.

Lies Entrepreneurs Tell Themselves

Steve Blank, quoted in the opening, points out that there are several common lies that business owners often tell themselves as they throw themselves headlong into work:

• I’m only doing it for my family
• My spouse “understands”
• All I need is one start-up to succeed and then I can slow down or retire
• I’ll make it up by spending “quality time” with my wife/kids

These excuses are rarely true. He then offers a startlingly frank observation: “I had thrown myself into a start-up because work was an exciting technical challenge with a fixed set of end points and rewards. In contrast, relationships were messy, nondeterministic (i.e., emotional rather than technical) and a lot harder to manage than a start-up.”

If you find yourself getting pulled deeper and deeper into work, take a hard look at what work offers you that home doesn’t — and then consider all your family will ultimately give you if you invest efforts there.

When Life Takes Over Work

These are all normal ways life can disrupt work. There are also more serious disruptions — a sick family member, a personal crisis, a death — that can lead to an employee being absent often or showing up but not performing well.

Communication is critical. Start with a simple conversation. “I notice you’ve been absent a lot lately. Let’s talk about what’s happening and try to find a solution together,” is a good opener. Employees need support, but they also need structure.

If it’s an acute but passing crisis, ask, “What would help you?” Often they’ll come up with a set solution, possibly saying something like, “I need to take two weeks off.”

While that sounds like a long time, the best course may be to offer that defined break, allowing them to fully deal with the crisis and then return at full capacity, rather than having them only partially present for weeks on end.

When it comes to tragedy, we’re usually kind and understanding in the immediate aftermath, but we sometimes forget that the pain can linger. If someone experienced a loss but is still underperforming more than a month later, call them in and acknowledge the elephant in the room: “I see you’re not back to yourself.” Say it kindly and without judgment, then ask what you can do to help them get through it.

Sometimes, it’s actually helpful for them to have something to hold them accountable, although it must be done with compassion.

Years ago, I had a male subordinate come to me and say, “I’m having a hard time, my wife complains that I’m never home.” I kindly but firmly let him know that this was his problem and asked him to figure out a system and come to me with a proposal. Then we’d discuss it. If, for example, he had asked to leave early twice a week, I may have agreed as long as it was on set days so I knew when he’d be available.

The key phrase that balances support with accountability is: “What can I do to help you succeed?” It communicates both “I am here to help” and “I’m not willing to carry this burden for you.”

As a manager, you should model openness about personal challenges. I had a boss who had lost her husband at a tragically young age. Each year, about three weeks before his yahrtzeit, she’d tell us: “I’m going to be snappy for the next few weeks. Please understand, and if it gets to be too much, let me know.” By being transparent, she helped us not take it personally and also gave us permission to speak up if her behavior became hurtful.

When Work Has to Come First

Flexibility is important, but there are times when work must take precedence. The key is setting clear expectations up front.

When hiring, I make it a point to be transparent: This is a high-demand job — and there will be times when you’ll need to work nights. Surprises lead to resentment, but when expectations are communicated from the start, employees can plan accordingly.

When work needs to come first, small gestures make a difference. If I need an employee to stay late for a critical deadline, I may say, “We need you to work late — and we’ll send you food for Shabbos.” This approach acknowledges the burden while offering support.

Sometimes it helps to involve family in work — occasionally bringing children to the office or sharing company swag with them. One CEO I know redesigned her office after her child was born to create space for him there. When children see their parents’ workplace and feel part of it, it can lessen the impact of their absence at home.

When Balance Fails

There was a time in my life when work and life weren’t just out of balance — they were at war. I was a project manager at a high-tech start-up, juggling an intense workload while raising four young children.

My colleagues — single guys with ponytails and no outside responsibilities — worked 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. without a second thought. Meanwhile, I was racing out the door at 4 p.m. for pickup, only to log back in after bedtime to make up for lost hours.

At first, I convinced myself that I was managing. But then the cracks started to show. I felt perpetually behind, exhausted, and stretched so thin that I had no time for anything outside of work and family. I stopped reading. I stopped exercising. My entire life was either working or taking care of my kids.

One day, I crashed. I got dizzy and felt completely depleted. I took my kids over to my mother and said, “Help, this isn’t normal.”

And she said, “It’s not normal. But it can change if you change your lifestyle.”

I couldn’t add hours to the day, but I could be intentional with the time I had. Instead of giving up reading, I discovered short stories — a way to enjoy fiction in manageable bites. I started walking to work, turning my commute into exercise. I added one simple self-care routine — applying face cream each night. Not because I worried about wrinkles, but because it made me feel pampered. Most importantly, I hired cleaning help.

Each of these small shifts made a big difference. I started feeling like a person again, not just a machine switching between work and home responsibilities.

As a manager, I don’t want my employees to hit the same wall. I encourage them to prioritize themselves in small but meaningful ways. I tell them: “Make a list of ten things that bring you joy — small, everyday pleasures. Then commit to doing at least one or two of them daily.”

I share the wisdom of parenting expert Shoshi Yaakov, who says: “A good mother eats well, sleeps well, and has outside help.” The same applies to a good employee.

Burnout doesn’t come from one bad week or even a tough month. It’s the result of months, or years, of neglecting yourself. The only way to sustain a successful job and a meaningful personal life is to protect your well-being as fiercely as your deadlines.

Work-life balance isn’t a women’s issue or a men’s issue — it’s a human issue. As managers, we set the tone. By modeling healthy boundaries, communicating clearly, and supporting reasonable flexibility, we create workplaces where both work and life can thrive. As employees, we must take responsibility for our own well-being, communicating our needs while meeting our obligations.

We work to live, not live to work; remember to cherish the life your work enables.

Foster Creative Energy

Managing phone calls — during and after work — is a strong element of work-life balance.

Often, on my way home from work, I have the time and headspace to finish conversations started over the workday. But I’m aware that 5 p.m. is often an inconvenient time for my employees, who may be busy with young children.

I have an arrangement with them: If I call after hours, only answer if it’s convenient. If it’s urgent, I’ll call twice. Additionally, when they do return my call, there’s no need to apologize or excuse themselves. This clarity and transparency keeps all of us comfortable.

What about when employees get calls during office hours? It’s easy for people to excuse a quick call with “This will just be two minutes.” But if that call comes during a meeting with ten people — that’s 20 minutes lost.

Plus, often taking a break, even if it’s brief, during a meeting, can derail the conversation. Think twice before taking that two-minute call.

On the other hand, sometimes taking the call makes sense.

Before I started a meeting about this article, one of the members told me, “My husband will be calling in half an hour. I just need to give him a grocery list; it will be quick.”

Imagine if she didn’t feel comfortable communicating that — she’d have been forced to go grocery shopping later, losing a big chunk of time. Because she was transparent, it entailed minimal disruption, plus I knew this was an exception, and didn’t have to worry that she’d take every call she got.

Transparency prevents tension.

Gvira Milworm is the CEO of Temech, where she has the zechus to help religious women in Israel increase their income and build thriving careers without compromising their values. With a background in high-tech and a talent for simplifying complex systems, she’s helping women succeed through networking, training, and collaborative workspaces.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1058)