On dealing with irreligious relatives...

At first I tried to hide the mitzvos I thought might be uncomfortable for them. After many awkward and frustrating moments I decided to switch course and take a more direct communicative and loving approach: “Yes it seems a bit extreme but it’s what I believe and it doesn’t change the way I feel about you or anyone else in the family.” They got the message and were respectful.

—Tami New York

Don’t preach but also don’t be defensive about your lifestyle choice.

 —Debbie Kew Garden Hills

Give maximum amount of information immediately (when first becoming frum). This way you don’t have to be constantly moving the goalpost — doing that just leaves them confused and you constantly confrontational. Also leave out the stuff they don’t have to know (they may not think it’s as beautiful as you do!).

 —Rivka Beitar

A big mistake BTs make is to act “holier than thou” around irreligious relatives. Just show love and warmth! In fact irreligious relatives can eventually come to value your lifestyle and how you raise your children. They may even appreciate that you’re raising your children in the similar wholesome way they were probably raised — without the junk and the “anything goes” mentality of our current secular society.

—Dina New York

Do things on your own terms. For example become the hostess for family get-togethers. This avoids any problems with kashrus and trying to keep your children away from the television in a relative’s house. Try to anticipate what could go wrong during family get-togethers and try to deal with it beforehand. Depending on your children’s ages it helps to prep your kids before arriving at Grandma and Grandpa’s house such as what they can and can’t eat.

—Devorah Los Angeles