Your spouse-to-be was attracted to particular qualities. Let him enjoy them now too

No one has to tell young people how to attract a mate — that knowledge comes “instinctively” implanted by Hashem.

Girls know that they should makes themselves as attractive as possible. Boys know that they have to highlight their “power traits” — characteristics that help set them apart from the pack and accentuate their ability to position their family within the community. Power traits for a young man include many different selling points such as his status in the yeshiva (i.e. top boy) his yiras Shamayim his status in the community (i.e. chashuveh family) his wealth intellect inclination toward chesed and other qualities and characteristics. Rather than his looks the boy’s power traits tend to make him most attractive to a young lady.

What You See is Not What You Get

In marriage it is surprisingly common for people to feel that they were sold a false bill of goods. As the months and years go on things often change to the point where the young lady and/or gentleman bears little resemblance to the “product” originally advertised in the shidduch market.

He was the top boy from the top family. We were the ideal couple — everyone said that ours was the most beautiful shidduch. Today my husband barely davens never learns and as far as I can see hardly cares about his Yiddishkeit anymore. He keeps up appearances — no one except me knows what is really going on. I am totally broken.

When I married my wife she was very thin. But within our first two years of marriage Esti put on 40 pounds. She told me that it was because of the pregnancy which I believed at first. But then I noticed that my sister was back to her normal self even though her baby was born a month before ours! I’m not buying the “baby excuse” anymore and to tell you the truth I’m very disappointed. Esti knew how important this was to me and now it seems she doesn’t care.

People Change

Of course people don’t stay the same. Not only do they mature and evolve but their situations also change dramatically. Having a first child a second child a third and more all makes a big difference. There’s so much more to deal with: physical stress financial stress and emotional stress. This affects both husband and wife each person reacting in his or her own unique way.

In addition people trying to “catch a spouse” are not the same as people who are married. The first group does tend to try to put their very best foot forward in order to win another person’s favor while those in the latter group often take that favor for granted or due to their own disappointments and frustrations no longer care so much how the other person feels.

Even more commonly married people make the error of assuming that their partner loves them and no longer cares about the things he or she cared about when the shidduch was made.

I would think that my husband is beyond the superficialities by now. He should love me for so much more — how I take care of him and our children what a beautiful home I make how wonderful I am to his family what a contribution I make in the community what I nice person I am. I can’t believe that at this point he is still hung up on how I look! I think it’s ridiculous and I’m not going to torture myself to be the size he wants me to be. I’m a mother now and things are different.

Proceed at Your Own Risk

People are always free to ignore their spouse’s wishes and preferences. However they do so at their own risk. A dissatisfied disappointed resentful spouse ruins one’s marriage. In other words a happy marriage requires two happy people. Your spouse married you because he or she believed you believed the picture you presented of the spouse that you would be. Based 100 percent on this picture your spouse signed up to live with you for an entire lifetime. While you might have changed since that time you can be certain that your spouse’s preferences have not. The further away you now move from what you “advertised ” the further away your spouse moves from you.

Thinking that it shouldn’t be this way doesn’t change the way it is. Trying to convince a spouse that he or she should now accept like or love the new unimproved you is an exercise in futility. An option with a much better prognosis is to stick to your original promise and give your partner what he or she signed on the dotted line for: the best you that you can offer.