A ccording to the 2013 Pew Survey of US Jews while only 23 percent of American Jews said that they attend religious services at least monthly 70 percent reported that they participate in a Seder on Passover. More than any other holiday Pesach brings family together as they hope to spend quality time that will yield only the most positive memories. In reality however it can be difficult to sit in cramped quarters for numerous meals that go on for hours without some conflict competition or quarrels arising. As they say the definition of a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one member.

An unusual custom regarding matzah is very instructive as to how to prepare for a family Pesach together. The holiday of Pesach and the Seder in particular are brought to us by the number four: four questions four sons four cups of wine. And yet when it comes to matzah we have three. Why?

Many explanations have been offered:

A halachic explanation is that we need to have lechem mishneh two full matzos just as we have two challos every week. Since we plan on breaking one at Yachatz rendering it ineligible for lechem mishneh we need to begin with three.

The matzos commemorate the three measures of fine flour that Avraham instructed Sarah to bake into matzah when the three angels visited them which as Rashi points out occurred on Pesach.

The Magen Avraham suggests that the three matzos represent Moshe Aharon and the Jewish People. Others suggest that they correspond to chochmah binah and daas; Kohein Levi and Yisrael; and Avraham Yitzchak and Yaakov.

In truth however while we take it for granted that there are three matzos Minhagei Yisrael references a fascinating custom: In the 17th century the practice was to have four matzos at the Seder not three. Rav Yaakov Reischer was a dayan in Prague before being called to the rabbinate first in Galicia then in Worms. In his work Chok Yaakov he mentions that the custom in his community was to bake four matzos in order to have a spare. His commentary published in 1696 indicates that this was already the prevalent custom in Eastern Europe. In addition there are mentions of the custom to bake four matzos in the 18th century in England.

This custom was opposed by great halachic authorities not because they didn’t like the idea but for a technical reason. They felt the more matzos they had to bake the more dough was necessary and the more dough necessary the greater the chance of it becoming chometz. So in the end we only have three matzos. But I believe the symbolism of the fourth is very meaningful for us as well.

Why have the fourth matzah? It was called the matzas safek serving as a reserve in case one of the others broke. But that explanation raises questions as well. Certainly matzos are delicate but so is the pitom of an esrog and yet we don’t find a custom to have an extra esrog handy. We don’t have a spare shofar or a backup menorah. Why the need for a backup reserve matzah?

Studies show that depression and anxiety spike during holiday time. “A lot of times it’s the disconnect for many people between what is supposed to be a really warm family gathering and what it’s really like for some families ” explains Dr. John Oldham chief of staff and senior vice president of The Menninger Clinic in Houston.

Shofar esrog the menorah etc. can all be accomplished and fulfilled on one’s own. There is no dialogue no relationship and no interaction involved with those mitzvos. The Seder in stark contrast is characterized by haggadah — a dialogue and conversation. Pesach above all other holidays brings people together. “How many people are you having for Yom Tov?” or “How many are joining you for the Seder?” are common questions this time of year.

We bring high expectations to our holiday reunion. This year will be great we think to ourselves. Everyone will get along. I won’t have to compete for attention. The kids will be enraptured by the Seder and not distracted. Nothing will spill.

Perhaps the custom of a fourth matzah originated because we must understand that matzah is going to break. The Torah does not deal only with utopian lives; it is designed to inspire and enrich our imperfect lives.

Though we may no longer practice baking a matzas safek the message in having a fourth matzah handy is to adjust your expectations and set yourself free. Maintaining hope for a perfect experience relationship or holiday is exhausting and burdensome. Understanding at the outset that things will go wrong and that we will encounter bumps along the road is liberating and cathartic.

Part of the Seder the order of life is preparing for the broken pieces. A chassan and kallah stand underneath the chuppah and the ceremony concludes with breaking a glass. It is critical before they even take leave of this most auspicious and special moment that the young man and woman realize that things will break obstacles will be encountered and that this is okay. We can’t control other people and we can’t control all events and circumstances. We can only control our expectations and more importantly how we respond to them. That ability to control and adjust our expectations is freedom.

May our lives and our matzos remain whole. But if a matzah — or anything else — does break don’t allow yourself to break along with it.  . (Originally featured in Mishpacha Issue 654)

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg is the senior rabbi of the Boca Raton Synagogue a rapidly growing community shul of over 850 families in Boca Raton Florida.