I

was just redt to a boy who sounds like a really good idea for me but I’m very nervous because he had a broken engagement. People say generic things like “It just wasn’t a good fit” but I’m reluctant to say yes. I get that sometimes it just really isn’t a good fit but what if there was a serious problem? How should I proceed?

Reluctant

Dear Reluctant

I hear your reluctance loud and clear. We’re good people who don’t want to cause harm to each other and baruch Hashem we work hard on shemiras halashon so people are often specifically vague when it comes to sensitive areas like broken engagements. This is a good thing but it makes it difficult for someone in your situation to get enough objective information to make a sound decision.

The first thing you need to do is to consult with a rav about the parameters of toeles in this particular scenario. He will guide you both in what you can ask and how you can ask it. Armed with this knowledge you can proceed to uncover what you need to know.

Your next step is to do some soul searching. What are your deal breakers? What would you absolutely refuse to consider?

There are many reasons people break engagements. Often it truly is a case of “just wasn’t a good fit.” Young men and women are often pressured into saying yes despite their misgivings by well-meaning adults who think that commitment will dispel the anxiety. This line of thinking can work when the anxiety is related to a fear of commitment but it can also backfire when there’s an actual misgiving related to the person or when there’s no attraction despite everything “being right on paper.” Sometimes the prospect of engagement is so enticing that a young inexperienced dater can jump in before determining that this person is truly a good fit.

You don’t want to eliminate a pool of potential shidduchim just because someone has a broken engagement. Especially because in their quest to be decent people will often not bad-mouth the other side even when there were serious issues and they bear the brunt of people’s curiosity and judgment. As we’ve mentioned here many times a painful nisayon such as a broken engagement can be a catalyst for deepened empathy increased self-awareness and greater emunah. It is not in and of itself a red flag.

Realistically however one may not be naive. A broken engagement certainly can be a warning sign. Let’s go back to the list you compiled in your head (or on paper) and review what you won’t consider. Now draw up a list of pointed questions that will help you determine whether your fears are well-founded. Draw on all your intuition here.

In your initial calls you probably got some sense about what went wrong. If people say “She was too quiet for him; he’s just a much stronger personality” follow up with questions like “What do you mean by strong?” “Was he domineering? Did he always need to be center stage?” Ask for clarification with pointed questions about the issues that concern you. This is not a time for dancing around the issues.

Bad temper controlling tendencies narcissism and being emotionally stunted are reason enough to stay away. You’ll also want to explore for the type of mental illness that would impede healthy marital functioning or for severe mental illness in the family that would interfere significantly in the couple’s life. Should you come across any of these suspicions you should share your concerns with both a rav and a seasoned shadchan or mentor to discuss them fully.

You’ll probably get more accurate results if you have a respected rav making these calls for you. Rabbanim are often connected with their colleagues in other cities and may have access to information you wouldn’t obtain. School principals who have known the family for many years can also be an invaluable resource. If you suspect mental illness request permission to speak to the doctor or therapist. If they refuse that’s of further concern.

As always you’ll be looking for threads and themes. If everyone is vague I’d be concerned. If you get a consistent “they were young and dumb and the parents really pressured them ” then I’d be more inclined to consider the match. Listen carefully to your instincts. Ask a rav whether you’re permitted to speak to the former kallah or her family members remembering that their reports may be colored with anger and pain.

Broken engagements do not carry the same weight that they once did. Proceed cautiously yet openly and may Hashem lead you clearly every step of the way.

Hatzlachah

Sara