We all want our Shabbos tables to look perfect, but too often, real life diverges from these dreams. Our experts’ take on how to turn things around

We all have an image of the scene in our minds. Delicate china, polished silverware, sparkling wine, and freshly baked challos rest on a spotlessly white tablecloth. The children sit around the table, listening raptly while their father recounts the parshah, occasionally offering insights from what they’ve learned in school. We’re loath for this idyllic Shabbos seudah to ever come to an end.

Sounds familiar? No, you said? Well then, you’re in good company. We all want our Shabbos tables to look perfect, but too often, real life diverges from these dreams.

A few common, less-than-ideal Shabbos scenarios, and our experts’ take on how to turn things around.

Meet the Experts

Mrs. Yitti Bisk is a seasoned kallah teacher and marriage educator who lives in Ramat Beit Shemesh with her family.

Rebbetzin Deena Davidovich is the rebbetzin of Heights Jewish Center in Cleveland, Ohio, and is known for her practical, down-to-earth approach to parenting, shalom bayis, and other aspects of Jewish life.

Rabbi Ari Neuwirth is the menahel of Mesivta Derech HaTorah in Brooklyn, New York, as well as a featured lecturer on Torah Anytime and the author of the highly acclaimed Parenting by the Parashah.

Dina Schoonmaker is a veteran teacher at Michlalah Jerusalem College and lectures internationally on topics of women’s character development. She gives live and recorded mussar vaadim on a variety of inter- and intra-personal topics.

The Help Isn’t Helpful

I work full-time and I’m usually worn out when Friday comes. There’s always so much to do in the last two to three hours before Shabbos. Every week, my husband says he’ll help out, and he cheerfully takes the list of jobs I’ve relegated to him. But he’s so last minute by nature that he leaves it all for the 11th hour — and my blood pressure rises higher and higher as I wait for him to vacuum, set up the candles, and put up the cholent. By the time Shabbos comes in, I’m gritting my teeth because his help isn’t really help. I’d rather just do it myself.

Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker:

One of the fundamental rules of marriage is that a man wants to feel that he’s being mashpia and that his wife is happy with his contributions to the home, whatever they may be. On her part, a woman’s job is to accept his help graciously. If her husband feels that she’s unhappy with the help he’s providing, it’s going to start working against them.

Take a step back and try to view the situation objectively. You’re feeling frustrated with your husband each week, and he’s certainly picked up on those vibes. Think outside the box a bit. Is there any way your husband can help for Shabbos without it being last minute? Can he do errands during the week? Can he take the kids out on Friday afternoon so you can finish up around the house? It’s important to figure out a win/win solution so that the entire family can gain.

Another point to consider: For men, helping in the house is always going to seem voluntary, and volunteers like to be appreciated. While this may seem unfair, this stems from the premise that a man’s mahus, his essence, is to contribute to the home from the outside — whether it’s through supporting the family or through providing the Torah atmosphere in the home. A woman’s essence is to contribute to the home from the inside. Even though it’s fair and appropriate for a man to contribute to the running of the home, he still needs to be appreciated for his “volunteer” work. And a smart woman knows how to make a husband feel good about contributing.