One of my friends considers me one of her closest friends (we’ve known each other since preschool) but I feel our relationship is not healthy. She makes demands on me doesn’t give me space accuses me of disloyalty and often is not honest with me. My husband wants me to cool off the relationship but I find it very hard. First of all she gets very hurt when I don’t come through for her the way she expects and by nature I don’t like to upset people. Second we’re part of a larger group of friends and I am worried how this will affect the equilibrium in the entire group. Last (and most important) although this may seem strange I am simply afraid. I feel she will always hold it against me to the point of having a hakpadah on me. What should I do? Should I just continue being her friend because of ahavas chaveirim? Am I supposed to listen to my husband and break it off? What do I tell her and how should I go about it? 

Rabbi Ilan Feldman 

You feel like you have no viable options due to the lack of freedom and ease in this friendship. The truth however is that you do.

 When we’re confronted with challenges in relationships we often fall prey to the illusion that we have only two choices neither of which is acceptable. In this case: stay in a bad relationship and continue to be suffocated; or cut it off to avoid ongoing suffering but pay the consequences and risk upsetting the equilibrium in your group. There is a third option though and that will require you to reach into a different bag of tricks. Before we describe the third option it’s useful to realize an important rule about relationships.

 Relationship challenges are actually learning opportunities if we allow them to be. They are not problems to be ended or avoided; they offer the ability to reach new levels of relating to others. The lessons learned will benefit even the relationships that are already going well — with your husband or even with HaKadosh Baruch Hu.

We are designed by the Creator to be naturally loving people who find pleasure in good relationships who feel fulfilled when we’re able to bring joy to someone. In short we are natural reflectors of Hashem’s middos. But then life gets complicated. We get hurt or abandoned — or think we are — and start spending more and more energy being cautious and avoiding difficult situations and people to ensure that we never get hurt again. Life becomes an ongoing effort to protect ourselves from hurt rather than a search for places to express love. When we are confronted with a difficult person the only question we ask is how to get away — the slow way or the fast way. The question of where my love can be expressed in this relationship is never asked because it never occurs to us that love can even be expressed here.

But think past this. What would you do if you were totally absolutely committed this woman’s wellbeing? Would you contemplate walking away? You would likely think of ways to help her to give her a chance to become aware of what she is doing. Above all you’d try to show her that you are not one of the many people in her life who have already run away as soon as things got complicated.

What this woman needs is compassion. No doubt she behaves the way she does because she is desperately afraid that without these behaviors she will be left alone and forgotten. So she resorts to accusations of disloyalty to subtle threats of “holding a hakpadah ” or to playing on your fears of the disruption of your social network.

Compassion doesn’t mean acquiescence. It means understanding her fears and insecurities enough to at least theorize why she is this way — enough for you to feel for her instead of judging her and condemning her.

The third option therefore is to be a real friend by staying in the relationship and asking yourself a new question: What can I provide for this woman that she really needs? It almost certainly is love and security. It is likely that once you give her security in the form of knowledge that you will not abandon her she will reduce the frequency of her desperate lunges to keep you in the relationship.

Once you have established the relationship on this footing you can then offer what real loyalty and love calls for: straight talk. Let her know that the behaviors she manifests are not easy to live with; that there are those who will simply give up on her and leave; and that out of caring for her you are bringing this up. She will likely be offended by what you say and threaten to end the friendship because of your audacity. This is where you tell her that you are committed to having her as a friend and that you’ll never abandon her.

The point in all this is that often difficult people are asking for something albeit in a clumsy way. If we can see what it is they need we can provide it for them instead of writing them off as hopeless. The focus in our relationships can thereby shift from one of self-interest to one of interest in the wellbeing of the other. Imagine if you were asking that question in all your relationships even the ones that are not troubling you. That would be true love.

Rabbi Ilan Feldman is the son of Rabbi Emanuel Feldman a sage of the American rabbinate; a well-published author; a son in-law and talmid of HaRav Shmuel Yaakov Weinberg ztz”l; and rav of Congregation Beth Jacob in Atlanta Georgia. The families who are part of his vibrant dynamic community regularly turn to Rabbi Feldman to receive his wise counsel on both halachic and interpersonal issues.  

Mrs. Batya Weinberg

 You are definitely in a tight spot. This is a common situation — many relationships have some level of inequality — and it’s wonderful that you’re trying to find tools to deal with it.

I understand your husband’s desire for you to end this friendship; he wants to protect you from a draining and painful relationship. Good for him! It is also possible that this friendship causes a fair amount of kvetching on your part. This may be causing some unpleasantness in your husband’s life and perhaps he’s looking for a way to minimize it.

However as you point out this is more complicated than swatting a pesky fly and poof — it’s gone. There is a real person at the other end of this relationship who will be affected by any extreme termination of your friendship.

In addition there’s a range of difficult situations that will arise if you try to abruptly cut off this relationship. How would you go about cutting off a friendship of decades? What would you do when your chevra gets together for coffee? Say “I’m not coming because so-and-so will show up”? A good question to ask any time you’re trying to find a solution is “Does this solution cause more problems than it solves?” If it does it’s not a good plan. Therefore I don’t recommend a confrontation or dramatic dropping of this friendship.

It’s easy to bandy around the quote “You choose your friends not your relatives.” However as life progresses we realize that the delineation is not so straightforward. A childhood relationship that persists into adulthood where your lives overlap a great deal should be treated like a family connection. A chronically difficult relationship like this has to be weathered but can’t be solved.

So what should you do? You can’t change her behavior but you can change yours. I’d recommend the following three-pronged approach. Please note that this is a long-term solution that should be implemented slowly.

1. Begin by limiting the time you devote to this friendship. Do so slowly so the change evolves naturally. As you ease up the intensity of your connection your friend will find other people to fill the void. Of course give her the limited amount of time and energy you feel you can expend on her but try not to do more than that. Over time you’ll reach a point where you’re not feeling drained and the relationship will become more healthy.
2. Even more important than the physical detachment is the emotional detachment. Who gave her permission to flood your brain and your emotional self? You did. There are psychological tools you can use to mentally detach. When you’re feeling guilty or overwhelmed by this friend’s manipulations you can practice pushing those emotions out of your mind. Your friend now holds center stage in your brain: visualize sliding her away from this spot.

It’s rare to have just one relationship with this type of dynamic; my guess is that you have other relationships that breach boundaries in your life. Finding and implementing tools to build walls to keep out difficult thoughts and emotions can help you in many areas.

1. Now that we’ve discussed setting physical and emotional boundaries allow me to talk from my heart. In our relationship with Hashem we are often needy and demanding and ungrateful. In these days of rachamim it’s a wonderful time to emulate Hashem’s middos. Just as Hashem is merciful and gracious we should try to be the same.I

n his sefer Ahavas Chesed the Chofetz Chaim tells us that the key to receiving any brachah from Shamayim is to do chesed. When a person is involved in chesed Hashem does not allow the Beis Din shel Maalah to judge him; Hashem judges him personally and finds every possible way to exonerate him. Doing chesed is the tool to end all troubles and avoid all troubles. When a person needs more and more chesed from us the Chofetz Chaim says we should welcome them as we’d welcome a client who keeps patronizing our business.

As difficult as this friend is there’s got to be an aspect of her personality that can serve as a point of honest connection. That honest connection and friendship of which this woman probably has very little due to her difficult personality is the greatest kindness you can give. Try to do it not out of a need to assuage guilt or to avoid her anger or out of concern about disturbing equilibrium. Work on doing it out of a true desire to give.

This should only be done within the necessary boundaries you put in place. Boundaries create a framework in which you can truly give. This giving will not be passive and resentful but an integrated proactive giving coming from a desire to be the best person you can be.

Mrs. Batya Weinberg teaches at numerous seminaries in Jerusalem lectures widely and has been involved in adult education and counseling for many years. 

Dr. Aviva Weisbord

Sounds like your husband understands this friendship very well. It also sounds like he values you and sees your special qualities more than you do! You describe a “friend” who makes demands on you does not deal with you honestly and who is never satisfied with what you bring to the friendship. My guess is that if she were behaving this way toward someone you cared about deeply you would make sure to help that person extricate herself from the relationship as quickly as possible.

So maybe there are two questions here: One how do you learn to appreciate your own worth so that you can face this kind of behavior in a stronger healthier way? And two what to do about this so-called friend?

Let’s start with your self-esteem which really is how you view yourself. Do you believe you are a person worthy of respect? If you’re not sure try looking in the mirror twice a day and saying “I am a kind intelligent worthwhile individual.” This is not easy to do but it will actually help you build a more positive opinion of yourself. Avoid comparing yourself to others — most people look better to us than we look to ourselves!

Find a role model someone who is confident without being arrogant who clearly enjoys being who she is even with her flaws. Make a note of two things you do right each day and give yourself credit for them. Choose one middah you would like to work on and note your smallest improvement. And practice gratitude: for the abilities HaKadosh Baruch Hu has given you and maintains for you; and for the love He has for you shown by the brachos he has brought into your life. If you weren’t worthwhile He wouldn’t continue to do all the good that He does for you every day.

Remember that people treat us the way we expect to be treated. I don’t know if you wear a sign so to speak that says “Step on me.” But take a look at your posture your facial expressions even your voice inflections and ask yourself if they invite respect or the opposite. Accept and celebrate your strengths and weaknesses and remind yourself that you are a work in progress. We’re not finished with our work until 120!

Now how can we apply these pointers to your supposed friendship? The first step it seems to me is to keep in mind that you’re not tossing this relationship aside but rather redefining its structure. This means that when you need space for example you’ll be able to tell this friend that you’re not available to go out with her. If (or should I say when) she gets upset at this “disloyalty ” remind yourself that you have chosen a healthy approach and then let her know that true friendship means being able to handle the times when the friend is available — as well as when she’s not. As this person sees your inner strength and learns that you genuinely respect yourself she hopefully will begin to treat you better. If not you can decide then how you want to deal with her.

I don’t think these actions will jeopardize the group since you are not turning your back on her. In fact you may be doing her a favor by demonstrating healthy behaviors in a friendship. The key is to remember that no one benefits when one person treats another like a doormat. Everyone benefits when there is a strong sense of self and mutual respect. You can teach this to yourself and to your friend and this new approach will hopefully lead to a more genuine comfortable friendship.

May Hashem help you on this journey and grant you a gmar chasimah tovah!

Dr. Aviva Weisbord is a licensed psychologist who was in private practice for over twenty-five years. She is the executive director of Shemesh a Baltimore-based organization which provides resources support and advocacy for children with learning differences. Dr. Weisbord regularly writes and lectures about issues affecting the frum community with a particular focus on marriage and family.