Getting caught up in the details fuels the fire of disharmony. Learn to leave it all behind

Marriage counselor: So what brings you here today?

Client: Our marriage is in trouble. My wife and I are constantly fighting.

Marriage counselor: About anything in particular?

Client: No. It’s always about nothing. Little things. Nothing that matters. But we fight hard — we fight bitter to the bone.

This gentleman and his wife were making each other miserable over nothing.

Let me retract that. They thought that the issues they were bickering about were insignificant. They thought that their fights centered around things like who left the dishtowel on the counter instead of putting it away and who was five minutes late getting out the door. They recognized that some couples fight over the big things like lifestyle commitment financial issues and so on. They didn’t want dishtowels to ruin their marriage — they wanted to live happily ever after. They just didn’t know how to stop bickering.

The Forest for the Trees

Sometimes people are standing too close to their problems to see them clearly. People who build a home together are standing in front of many things that can block their perspective: household clutter demands of children scheduling problems bills shopping food preparation — the list is seemingly endless and it often appears that the list is what it’s all about.

If a couple could fly up above their home and look down on it however they would see a different story. Now it’s clear that the smooth running of the home — or lack of it — is the main story. Is this family harmonious or embroiled in conflict? How are the processes working — are they flowing productively or is everything tied up in knots?

Devil in the Details

Back in the kitchen Shimon and his wife are doing their bitter-to-the-bone routine over some unwashed dishes. “How can I start cooking when you leave your dishes all over the counter? I have to clean the kitchen before I can even find a spatula in here!” Zehava is shouting.

“You’re exaggerating as usual” Shimon snaps. “You just like to make a big issue out of nothing. You know what? I’m going to stay out. That way I won’t have to hear all this!” He storms out of the room slamming the door behind him.

This is a clear case of “devil in the details.” The couple has fallen into the Satan’s trap yet again.

One way out is to fly above the materialistic level. Marriage is never about dishes; it is always about feelings. Perhaps a wife feels unappreciated and uncared for when she finds dishes cluttering her work space. Perhaps a husband feels disrespected and insulted when called to task about his messy habits. Each is looking to restore emotional harmony the feeling of being on the same loving wavelength. How can they get there? Certainly not by bickering.

Focus on the Goal

If love is what we’re after we need to know how to bring it about. Love shrinks from anger so angry communications can never succeed in bringing love about. Love shrinks from criticism and complaint so none of those strategies will bring about love. On the other hand love grows in the glow of appreciation and expands in the warmth of tender care — obviously we need to head there if we want more of this healing nurturing commodity.

But what about the dishes in the sink?

When faced with dishes and other annoyances in family life we need to aim for love. Sometimes this will involve doing the dishes in favor of pursuing peace — that is simply move the dishes out of the sink and move on without saying anything at all.

When the matter is really important such that it can’t or shouldn’t be ignored then we still need to aim for love.

Certainly people are entitled to ask for a small amount of change when change will bring improvements. They can ask for what they want and need but they must find a loving caring and respectful way to discuss the issue. If a spouse cannot discuss issues in this way then a professional can help showing the couple how even difficult topics can be resolved in harmonious and loving ways.

Aiming to increase feelings of love will enable a couple to increase feelings of love. This is the goal we should be focused on in every conversation.