What steps can we take to help our children become honest and trustworthy?

IT

was the phone call no parent wants to get.

“Mrs. Gross,” the man from the makolet down the block had said. “We have footage of your son Dovi. He’s been shoplifting. Can you come down to talk?”

Leaving the bedtime bedlam behind, Chavi grabbed her purse and hurried to speak with her son’s accuser.

“Were you shaking?” asked one of her listeners as Chavi recounted the story.

“Not a bit,” said Chavi. “I knew Dovi hadn’t done it.” And then, as an afterthought: “But if he’d called me about Yanky? Well…”

In today’s positive parenting milieu, it might not be politically correct to admit that we know our kids have some bad habits. But in order to guide our children toward good choices, we need to be aware — sometimes painfully aware — of our children’s failings.

We all want to be that parent who will coolly look the authority figure in the eye and say, “I know my son. He would never do that.”

But how do we get there? How do we build a mutually trusting relationship, where we can fully trust their judgment and integrity, and they can trust us with their confidences?

Creating a Culture of Truth

Unsurprisingly, the most basic step in training your children not to lie is not to lie. More surprisingly, many well-meaning parents overlook this step, says Adina Soclof, a Cleveland-based parenting educator.

Don’t instruct a child to tell a caller you’re not home when it’s just not a good time; don’t fudge a child’s age to get the cheaper theme park ticket.

If your child asks for information that you’re not comfortable sharing, don’t offer them a false version. “I don’t know how to explain this to a nine-year-old,” is a perfectly acceptable answer.

In addition to modeling honest behavior, talk about it, too. Whenever the opportunity arises, express your admiration for someone who owned up to wrongdoing; talk about why the politician’s empty promises backfire. Make sure your children are hearing, in ways that don’t relate to them, how important honesty is to you.

“Usually, the first time they hear about truth is when you say, ‘Stop lying,’” says Mrs. Soclof.