Difficult discussions are inevitable. To have them be successful start right.

Chaya has had it! “You won’t believe what I come home to” she fumes. “There are dishes in the sink on the counter on the table. There are books and clothes and toys everywhere. My husband comes in at six and instead of helping me he plays with the kids or takes care of other things. Sometimes he says he has to rest for awhile before dinner. Meanwhile I’ve worked at a job in the morning shopped come home cooked kept the kids occupied cleaned started the older children on their homework — and my evening hasn’t even begun!”

Chaya is sure that her husband should be helping more when he comes home so she decides to “speak to him.”

We Have to Talk

Many people tremble at the words “we have to talk.” They know from past experience that the phrase is a euphemism for “I have to talk … and talk and talk until I get my point across and you will have to listen and agree or you and I will be having a big fight tonight.” Or they might know that “talks” always end up as fights. Indeed what is meant to be a constructive meeting often descends into stressful conflict and misunderstanding. What goes wrong? Very often it is the opening remarks.

The Talk often starts off with a remark guaranteed to get the listener’s back up. Common openers may sound like this:

• We have a big problem.
• There’s something I need to tell you that has been bothering me for a long time.
• I am very unhappy with the way you are dealing with such and such issue.

All of these openers are straightforward honest … and very negative. As a result of their negativity they’ll make the listener feel defensive. Instead of being able to listen to their spouse’s concerns people get busy protecting themselves from perceived threats. That’s why they’ll often lash out instead of responding sympathetically to whatever distress is being expressed. For example a conversation might go like this:

You: I am very unhappy with the way you handle the children. It seems like you are constantly yelling at them and putting them down. It hurts them and it bothers me terribly.

Your spouse: You’re complaining about me yelling? Have you heard yourself lately? You yell just as much as I do if not more!

Keep in mind that ANY correction or complaint is a “bad-feeling” communication from the listener’s point of view. Just because the complaint is honest and fair doesn’t mean it’s not painful. Even when correction or a complaint is expressed with utmost kindness and sensitivity (i.e. when a parent gently says to a child “Remember to chew with your mouth closed Sweetie”) it is still a form of negative feedback and doesn’t feel pleasant.

Unlike compliments and praise all forms of negative feedback feel something between a little bad and extremely bad depending on how they are expressed. Your goal when trying to issue a complaint (read: “attempt to improve things”) to your spouse is to minimize the bad feeling as much as humanly possible so that the complaint (attempt to improve things) will actually yield positive results. Here are some opening remarks that might help the conversation go in the right direction:

• Instead of saying “we need to talk later” wait for a good moment and then try inviting your spouse to help you out now as in “Can I talk to you for a minute? I need your help with something.”
• Instead of beginning by naming the problem you think your spouse has start off by describing your failings and your problem. For instance: “I know that I make so many parenting errors and I really appreciate how you are so patient with me. So I don’t really know how to deal with this because in a way it’s not fair for me to be upset. But the fact is that I do feel upset when I hear you raising your voice at the kids sometimes — and believe me I know I do the same thing. I’m not sure what to do about these feelings. Is it fair of me to ask you to try to shout less? Or do you think that that would be unreasonable?”

Although you have to use more words in this approach chances are far greater that your spouse will be sympathetic to your concerns (although there are no guarantees). The extra two minutes you spend speaking can save you hours of conflict and yield years of positive results — so don’t skimp! Opening remarks that are blaming or judgmental quickly invite conflict; opening remarks that are friendly and self-effacing tend to bring about happier conclusions.