I’ve tried repeatedly to explain to her that whether or not he has a good job will not determine his ability to be a good husband; it’s much more important that he’s a good person and they share values. She says I can’t understand since my husband has a decent job.

I have nothing to gain here; I’m simply concerned about her. I want her to be realistic and not so one-track minded. She recently asked me about a boy and I was very disappointed with the quality of her questions.

To complicate things she has a physical deformity. As much as she’d like boys to treat her as they would a healthy divorce she’s getting hurt by the names being redt.

How can I explain to her in a nice way that being realistic is key? I do want her to get engaged quickly but I want her to marry a boy she’ll be happy with not just one who “makes a good living.”

Please help me help my friend

A Worried Friend

Dear Friend

I don’t know if I can help you help your friend. I might be able to help you come up with a list of things to say to her and points for her to consider but at the end of the day you cannot control what she will or won’t do.

One of the turning points in my career as a therapist was the day I recognized that I couldn’t care more about my clients’ lives than they did. Not because I didn’t care — I most certainly did. But because it didn’t work. And not because people don’t care about their own lives either but because they are married to certain beliefs and until they’re able to free themselves of those constraints all the logic in the world won’t move them.

It was incredibly liberating and effective because it allowed me to connect with my clients where they were not where I wanted them to be. Once I moved out of the way they were free to do their work.

I hear your pain and concern; this is the hardest part of being a good friend. But past experience has burned your friend and she’s not open yet to hearing logic. Your influence can only come from a place of acceptance and love. Before your friend can hear anything from you she has to feel that you don’t judge her and that your only interest here is her well-being. While you specifically state that you have nothing to gain here the tone of your letter is insistent and you seem very invested in changing her mind.

I don’t blame you. You’re probably wondering how she can be so blind; did she not learn anything from her first painful experience? But your judgment and investment will not open her to receiving your love and wisdom. More likely she’ll become more entrenched in her adamancy that the boy’s level of responsibility and a solid job are the only variables that matter.

Let go of your need to convince her. Listen to her with an open heart. Empathize deeply with her wish to be taken care of by a responsible husband.Respect her wish to be redt to someone without a pekel and share her pain when life sends her a completely different reality. Life will take care of dealing her the harsh blow of reality; you be her soft place to fall.

(As to the guilt you’d feel if she makes another mistake… let it go. You are not that powerful. You don’t control other people you only share influence.)

When you do this something fabulous and unexpected will happen. With the veil of judgment and superiority lifted she’ll feel safe to explore her vulnerability her fears and her insecurities. When she meets someone and has doubts she’ll be more open to exploring them with you and will actually be able to hear you when you raise valid concerns. Slowly and kindly you can become her sounding board and provide the love and guidance that’s in your heart.

May Hashem give you the words and intuition to be that true friend.

All the best

Sara

Sara Eisemann LMSW ACSW is a licensed social worker and a columnist for inshidduchim.com. She also lectures on topics related to relationships personal development and growth. She welcomes questions comments feedback and interaction at inshidduchim@mishpacha.com.