Lecturing and nagging can ruin your parent-child relationship while virtually never managing to create positive behavioral change

Question

I have a young teenager who is super social and studious. The issue is that she studies and schmoozes on the phone all evening and doesn’t get to bed before one a.m. Every. Single. Night. No matter how many times I talk to her about it during the day, nothing changes. I remind her early on that tonight she needs to be in bed by 11:30, but she won’t listen. I end up nagging her or yelling at her almost every night. I don’t know how I can get it to change.

Answer

You have a couple of choices here. The first one is the easiest. Let her stay up till one a.m. You might choose this one if, after carefully collecting evidence, you find that her late nights aren’t causing her any harm. If she’s “super social and studious,” she may be thriving despite her few hours of sleep. Is she maintaining her grades? Is she able to wake up by herself in the morning and be at school on time every day? How is her behavior in the home? Does she have enough energy left to keep her room clean, be pleasant to her parents and siblings, help out when asked to? How is her health? Is her immune system up and running or is it compromised now, knocking her out with chronic headaches, strep throats, or colds?

If your evidence shows that she is crabby, dysfunctional, or unhealthy, unfortunately you won’t be able to choose this first option. But if she’s doing well in life, then letting her stay up has several advantages. One of the most important is that it reduces friction between you and her. Her future well-being will be nurtured far more by experiencing a warm, close mother-daughter relationship in her teen years than by keeping to a more conservative bedtime.

A second benefit of letting her determine her own bedtime is that adolescence is a time when kids benefit from being able to make decisions and evaluate outcomes. She can acquire experience in making mistakes now, long before she’s married when the cost of making errors increases significantly.

However, if your daughter is showing signs of sleep deprivation in any of the ways discussed above, you will have to step in. You say she’s a “young teenager,” and by this I am assuming that she is under 16 years old. This is important to clarify because kids around 17 cannot be parented the way 13- and 14-yearolds can be. So, assuming she’s in the younger category, you can “lay down the law” regarding bedtime.

I see you’ve been trying to do that without success. This is because your technique is faulty. Lecturing and nagging can ruin your parent-child relationship while virtually never managing to create positive behavioral change. Therefore, these techniques should never be used. Instead, “Say little and do much,” which in this case means, quietly and briefly state a consequence for going to bed past 11:30 p.m. and when necessary, apply it using as few words as you can possibly say, and say them very quietly.

For example, the next time you see she is up and about past 11:30, tell her calmly and very quietly that from now on, when she’s not in bed by 11:30, such and such consequence will occur. The consequence can be any annoying penalty that will help motivate her to get into bed on time (e.g., you will not be driving her wherever she needs for the next 48 hours or she will lose allowance dollars, or she will lose some opportunity/privilege/item that she values). The main thing is that you need to pick a consequence that you think will really bother her. Make sure you have enough consequences handy, because the first week of your new program, she will want to know if you are “for real” — trustworthy to carry through.

When you have to apply a consequence, say something like: “It’s past eleven thirty. I’m not driving you anywhere for the next two days.” Only when she sees that you’re serious is there a chance that she will start to go to bed earlier. If the consequences you are using aren’t changing her behavior, choose better ones (for example, increase 48-hour punishments to 72 hours and so on).

Never apply a consequence unless you have first warned her that, “From now on, when you’re not in bed by eleven thirty, such and such consequence will occur.” If you’re consistent and unwavering in this approach, your daughter will get to bed on time.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 925)