Small actions on your part can make Yom Tov far smoother and more enjoyable for your hostess, your children — and you too

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few years ago, I was on the phone with my mother shortly before Pesach. We were discussing everyone’s Yom Tov plans. She was so happy to host the family and looked forward to spending time with everyone, but she was also a bit nervous.

After many years of having helpful teenagers, everyone was now married, baruch Hashem, and she had no one to help her make Pesach. She was concerned that after cleaning the entire house and preparing huge quantities of food, she wouldn’t even be able to enjoy quality time with the kids and grandkids because she’d be so busy hosting.

Because, let’s face it, even once Yom Tov starts, there’s still food to prepare and serve; a table to set and clear; dishes to wash, and messes to clear up.

I felt bad. None of us were in a position to offer help before Yom Tov; we all lived too far to hop over for an hour at night, and coming over on Sundays would mean bringing tiny helpers too — and that’s usually counterproductive. None of us have Pesach kitchens so we couldn’t help with cooking anything either. One thing we could do, though, was to be consciously helpful once we all moved in.

Making It Happen

I asked my mother what we, as in whoever was there each half of Yom Tov, could be helpful with. I know my mother likes to deal with the food herself, but there were plenty of small jobs she could delegate if she thought it through. We went through every part of the day and each meal, and I jotted down a list of chores we could take off her head. She was apprehensive about how it would work, but I reassured her that we all appreciated how much she does and wanted her to be able to be more relaxed over Yom Tov itself.

My siblings were a little surprised but all hopped on board. It felt stiff and formal, but they also saw how tired my mother was by the time we all showed up, and everyone truly wanted to make things easier for her. I created a shared Google spreadsheet so everyone could choose tasks that felt doable for them.

I’m not going to say that it wasn’t a stretch for everyone. None of us were sitting at home and twiddling our thumbs before Yom Tov. We all work and have little ones, kein ayin hara. Everyone could have easily excused themselves, whether because they were expecting or postpartum, or just exhausted from the daily juggling.

Every year we revisit the spreadsheet and figure out what needs to be updated based on current circumstances. We used to have a list of tasks for each day of Yom Tov, and everyone had to choose a few. Last year we decided that each of us taking responsibility for a full day of Yom Tov instead was a more streamlined option.

It worked out really nicely. I’d chosen the first day of Yom tov as my family’s day to help. From the morning until that night, after the second Seder, my family was in charge of everything that needed to happen that day. We cleaned up from breakfast and set the Yom Tov table for lunch, and continued all the way through cleaning up after the Seder.

Then we were off duty the rest of Yom Tov, so it was totally worthwhile. Of course, we all helped each other when we were up to it, but when it wasn’t our day, it wasn’t our achrayus and was totally voluntary.

Family dynamics play the biggest role in determining how you can help your hostess. Her personality, hosting style, and the number of families being hosted needs to be taken into account to make this work for your specific scenario.