The tovas sechel of a woman gives her a different and wider perspective: a dish may be broken, but look at the bigger picture — see the beautiful children we are raising

A king should not have many wives, Chazal exhort, even if they are as great as Avigayil Haneviah. Avigayil Haneviah was one of the four most beautiful women in the world; Sarah Imeinu, Rachel Imeinu, and Esther Hamalkah being the other three. Not only was she externally beautiful, but she is described as tovas sechel, one who possessed deep inner understanding. Who was this special woman? What message does she offer us?

Avigayil Haneviah was married to a man of both prominence and great wealth, from the tribe of Yehudah. Naval, as his name suggests, was stingy, and cold-hearted. Dovid was on the run from Shaul, and was living in Midbar Yehudah. When he heard that Naval was making a great feast to mark the sheep shearing, he sent men to ask for some food as compensation for protecting Naval’s sheep. Naval responded with contempt, and he sent the men away empty-handed. In his anger, Dovid swore to destroy Naval’s household that very evening.

Upon hearing what had occurred, Avigayil prepared an abundance of food and drink, and she went to meet Dovid on his way to carrying out his threat. In her confrontation with the future king of Israel, we see the brilliance of Avigayil Haneviah, and witness her prophecy regarding Dovid’s reign.

The Ralbag holds up this meeting as a model of appeasement, and delineates the different approaches Avigayil utilized. First, she sends the food as a gift. Avigayil is aware that Dovid’s men are starving — and words will not appease hungry stomachs. Avigayil’s tovas sechel can serve as a model in our own daily interactions. Before attempting to convey a message, ensure that the recipient is ready to be a receptacle — physically and emotionally open to receiving that message.

Rav Mattisyahu Salomon, shlita, recommends that when a child returns home from school, the mother bombard him not with questions and critique, but a filling snack. When a child feels that his needs are taken care of, then he is open to hearing what a parent has to teach. On a broader level, her tovas sechel is applicable to any disagreement: The Steipler ztz”l exhorted people who seek to make peace to offer not just words of forgiveness, but a gift, as well.

Avigayil than places the blame squarely upon her own shoulders. She takes full responsibility for the way Dovid’s men were treated improperly. She unequivocally states that her husband was wrong. In difficult discussions, being able to admit that one is wrong removes the anger and sting of another person. Indeed, her tovas sechel enabled Avigayil to see that her first words had to appease Dovid’s anger.

And then comes her message: She tells Dovid that she was sent from Hashem to prevent him from committing murder — and it is not befitting a future king of Israel to act so impulsively. She paints him a picture of his future greatness and all the good that will be bestowed upon him.

This double strategy — of taking personal responsibility and of seeing the larger picture — is echoed in an enigmatic Rashi on the birth of Yosef Hatzadik. One of the reasons Rochel named her son Yosef was because Hashem removed her shame and embarrassment. Rashi notes that when one has no children, there is no one upon whom to blame a broken dish, which causes more distress between husband and wife. When a child is born the mother can deflect her husband’s anger by blaming the breakage on the child.

Obviously, if a mother blames a child when she breaks a dish, that would be called lying! The Sefer Vayomer Yehudah offers a novel interpretation of this puzzling Rashi. The mother takes full responsibility, and affirms she broke it. But the tovas sechel of a woman gives her a different and wider perspective: a dish may be broken, but look at the bigger picture —see the beautiful children we are raising. With both perspective and priorities, she can appease her spouse’s anger.

In fact, the Tolner Rebbe states that this Rashi is one of the reasons we break a glass under the chuppah: It is an implicit brachah that there be many children upon whom “to blame” the mishaps in the future home. As she enters her new life, a kallah will be able to use the broken glass as a reminder to structure the household to focus on the blessings, and not on the shortcomings.

In her poignant words to Dovid, Avigayil notes the implications of his plan to kill Naval. She speaks about the innocent bloodshed that will be on his hands which will have a ripple effect on his entire life. Chazal note that she questioned his future as a judge: How would he adjudicate if a poor man comes and claims he killed a rich man for refusing him bread?

At this point, the mefarshim point out, she reminds Dovid that technically Shaul is currently the king. Although Naval’s behavior is a personal affront — and he showed a distinct lack of appreciation, for Dovid had in fact protected Naval’s sheep — it is not a case of mored b’malchus. As such, it is not a crime that should be punished with death. In such a case, Hashem will mete out the necessary punishment. By reframing the crime, Dovid saw the situation for what it really was: Avigayil succeeded in preventing him from carrying out this act of bloodshed. Dovid responded with tremendous gratitude to Hashem and her, for her insightful words.

Avigayil’s ability to reframe situations is something we can all emulate. Imagine, Erev Shabbos a few minutes before licht, and your delicious seven-year-old boy decides to lift the watermelon to the countertop — after all, you’ll soon be heaving it up there to cut for dessert, why not help you do it earlier?

Up, up, up… and then with an almighty crash, the watermelon has dropped on the floor and split open. Chunks of pink flesh are everywhere. Watermelon juice spatters the walls. Pits slide across the floor.

You have a choice: to act in the moment (AAARGH… Sticky floor… Messy home… Clock ticking). Or you can look beyond the mistake and take a moment to think of how to deal with the situation without negatively affecting your son’s self-esteem. Berating children for honest mistakes leaves a residual impact. And there’s the other perspective: The child was sweet and giving and sensitive to try and help. When we appreciate the situation for what it really is, then we too can have a sense of gratitude for the blessings of the mishaps of each occurrence.

Once Avigayil was successful in appeasing Dovid and prophesying about his future, she returns to her home. She says nothing about her encounter with Dovid until the morning, when her husband is no longer intoxicated. In tune with the tempo of the time, she deferred informing him of the danger that had been averted. The Navi relates that upon hearing what had transpired he went into a coma-like state for ten days, before dying.

Chazal teach that these ten days refer to the Aseres Yemei Teshuvah, which Naval did not utilize appropriately.Indeed, the Maharil notes that the custom of eating sweet foods on Rosh Hashanah is hinted in the fact that Avigayil gave sweet food to Dovid. Rav Shlomo Wolbe reminds us that it is not enough to eat sweet foods, we need to act with sweetness and consideration for others.

After Naval’s death, Dovid takes Avigayil as a wife. Avigayil’s unique tovas sechel is reflected in her name, which the Malbim explains as a contraction of father and of joy. This specific type of joy — gilah — he notes, is an expression of newness. Avigayil’s greatness is found in being able to see in every situation the appropriate mode of conduct, and to create a proper perspective. When we present people with a new approach at looking at things, and when we tap into the needs of individuals at any given moment, we become masters of creating joy. This is the joy of being able to look past the present moment and focusing on the lifetime.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 457)