Many times the needs of one family member will be at odds
with those of another family member. In cases of competing needs compromise is
certainly possible. However in certain relationships one person tends to win
(i.e. gets what he or she needs) while the other person tends to lose (i.e.
doesn’t get what he or she needs). Moreover there are times in every
relationship where a win-lose outcome is the only possible outcome: for
instance if one spouse wants to raise children in California
while the other wants to raise them inIsrael.

People who “lose” too often are at risk for sinking into
depression or exploding into drastic action. It is important for every
individual to learn the skills required for balancing their wins and losses.

Passivity

The passive approach to negotiation involves giving up. It
is often driven by fear of conflict or of not being loved. Although it may be
the easier route in the moment chronic passivity can destroy relationships.
Passive partners may fail to act when action is called for leading to deep
resentment on the part of their spouses. Alternatively passive partners may
come to resent their spouses after years of squelching their own needs within
the relationship.

For example if the wife routinely gives in thinking that a
good wife has no right to have her needs met she is at risk for coming to
dislike her husband. Similarly if a husband mistakenly feels that his job is
to make his wife happy no matter what he personally feels and therefore takes
the passive approach doing everything
her way he may come to bitterly resent her.

Still passivity is appropriate on occasion; it is important
to allow others to “win” sometimes. In marriage win-lose battles should work
out about 50–50 with the husband getting his way about half the time and the
wife getting hers the other half. When issues can be settled with compromise
then husband and wife need to meet each other halfway. If he wants to eat meals
at home all the time while she wants to eat out once a week; they settle on
eating out once a month.

Aggressiveness

On the other extreme is the person who aggressively pursues
whatever he or she needs. This person steamrolls over others disregarding
their needs and feelings. “I don’t care if you’re busy – I need you at home
in the morning to help get the kids ready for school and you have to be there!”
The aggressive person is often willing to use unpleasant and frightening
tactics like yelling crying threatening insulting stonewalling and
anything else that might convince the other party to capitulate. There are also
quiet aggressive types who simply do what they want without regard for the
effect it has on their partner.

Aggressive people don’t trust that others care enough about
them to want to make them happy. They use overly strong tactics because deep
down they themselves are scared of being abandoned mistreated or otherwise
unloved. Nonetheless their communication strategy usually results in severely
damaged relationships.

Assertiveness

Assertive communicators are polite and kind. They say what
they have to say without provoking conflict. Their carefully chosen words spoken
gently and calmly invite cooperation. They ask for what they want and need
feeling entitled to appropriate consideration. They are open to reasonable
compromise when that is an option. “I
realize you are busy in the mornings and you can’t be here all the time.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are the hardest for me because the baby needs attention
just when I have to do car pool. If you could just do the car pool on those two
days I’ll handle the other mornings myself. How do you feel about that
solution?”

Assertive communicators recognize that they are saving their
relationships by insisting that they get what they want approximately half the
time. They know that if they get what they want more often than that the
family member they are taking advantage of will eventually hate them. They
know too that if they get what they want less often than that they will end
up transgressing mitzvos such as not bearing hatred in their hearts or holding
grudges against others. Therefore when assertive communicators are dealing
with aggressive non-negotiators they seek professional help in order to
preserve their spiritual integrity as well as the health of the relationship.

Assess Yourself

Does your spouse give you everything you want? Does your
spouse get his or her way in almost every case? Either of these extremes can
harm your marriage. Both husband and wife need to protect their relationship
with the peaceful yet powerful strategy of assertiveness.