The key is to know when and how to react, and when to turn a "blind" eye

The Question

We try to address chutzpah immediately to nip it in the bud, but there are so many gray areas, like when my kids ignore or refuse me, or their words are fine but the tone is not (oftentimes accompanied by eye rolls, door slams). Are some forms of chutzpah more urgent than others? And if yes, which should we prioritize?

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

Honoring parents is one of the basic tenets of our lifestyle, and a child who lacks basic respect for the adults in their life will have a hard time accepting guidance on how to become a better person. The key is to know when and how to react, and when to turn a "blind" eye.

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ne of the bedrocks of Yahadus is the mitzvah of kibbud av v’eim, which is one of the Aseres Hadibros. One of the many reasons we place such an emphasis on this mitzvah is because parents play such an integral role in teaching and giving over our mesorah. Without respect and honor, the relationship between a child and parent can be skewed into a dysfunctional pattern in which the parent loses the ability to lead and guide.

A child who lacks basic derech eretz toward the adults in their life will have a hard time being able to accept hadrachah and guidance in how to become a better person and bigger ben Torah. One who is chutzpahdig to his/her parents is corroding the pipeline of how they can learn and accept the values that their parents desperately wish to convey. It is for good reason that Chazal say, “Derech eretz kadmah l’Torah.” It can be terrifying to observe a young teen be brazenly defiant to a parent. We all have seen such interactions and we react with true consternation. Deep inside, we wonder how a kid like that can ever really grow as a person if their attitude toward elders is so debasing.

As a parent, there should be zero tolerance for chutzpah. The challenge, of course, is that if a child is chutzpahdig to a parent, too often the parent will respond out of anger and vindictiveness. And although the child deserves to be reprimanded, the response often does more harm than good.

A legendary story about Reb Boruch Ber recounts that he had a special hat put away in the closet that he would only don when hitting or scolding his child. The extra time it took him to go to the closet and put on the hat allowed him to ensure he was acting out of love and not anger or frustration.

One of my uncles would always say out loud, “L’shem mitzvas chinuch” before punishing his child for chutzpah. The bottom line is, we must make sure our discipline comes from love and not chas v’shalom something else.

On an added note, I know what you are thinking. How can I finish the article without having really attempted to answer the question? Mishpacha magazine asks me to answer a chinuch question and I have the nerve to basically ignore it. Not outright, but I kind of eye-rolled the crux of the question and spoke about what I wanted to. Should Mishpacha have zero tolerance and therefore not allow the column to run?

Well, if you’re still reading, then I guess it somehow made its way in. And that’s exactly the point. There is a saying in Yiddish, “mach nisht vissendig,” which loosely translates into “pretend you don’t see.” As parents and educators, we have to give room for our children to be frustrated in the moment and express themselves in a way that is nothing more than a krechtz. Eye rolls, negative tones, and door slamming are only acts of disrespect if they are noticed. You know the old philosophical question: If a door slams in the forest, does it really make noise?

There will be moments in yeshivah when a talmid will do or say something that borders on chutzpah and I will make believe that I didn’t hear it. As the (paraphrased) saying goes, “If you see something, make believe you didn’t, and don’t say something.”

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld is the menahel of Yeshiva Ketana of Manhattan and Bais Tzipra of Manhattan, and director of Camp Aish.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

When children refuse to listen, or respond with chutzpah, it's not usually "just because." it can be one of two issues — a child's difficulty expressing emotions, or an underlying problem that triggered the reaction. they both need to be addressed — but not at the same time.

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hildren don’t usually misbehave “just because.”

When a child refuses to listen, ignores a request, or responds with a chutzpahdig tone, a parent’s instinct is often to react immediately to the disrespect. But responding in the moment can turn every interaction into a battle. There is a better calmer and far more effective approach. We are not forgiving or overlooking the chutzpah; rather, we are responding in a more strategic and productive way with the goal of reducing the behavior and ensuring the chutzpah does not continue.

Our role as parents is to guide our children toward a life of emotional strength, self-control, and derech eretz. To do that, we must recognize that when a child reacts disrespectfully, two separate issues are at play. One is the child’s difficulty expressing frustration or disappointment appropriately. The other is the underlying problem that triggered the reaction in the first place. These two areas must be addressed, but not at the same time. When parents try to correct tone and solve the problem simultaneously, they usually fail at both. The child doesn’t learn healthier communication, and the real issue remains unaddressed.

Generally speaking, people (even adults) are not very open to reflection or change when they are angry or emotional. In those moments, our defenses are highest, and the mind rushes to justify our actions rather than consider them honestly. This is why the real chinuch of addressing chutzpah does not happen in the moment itself. In the heat of the conflict, our goal is simply to de-escalate and bring the interaction to a calm close. A short, respectful “I-statement” can be helpful: “I don’t think this is a good way for us to communicate. Let’s pause for now.”

Then you step away. The chinuch opportunity comes later, after things have settled. At that point, the child is far more open to hearing, understanding, and taking responsibility. That is when we can, and must, address the seriousness of the issue in a thoughtful, effective way.

The first step is understanding what is actually happening beneath the surface. Children want to do good. If they aren’t, something is getting in their way. It might be lack of time management, feeling overwhelmed, not understanding expectations, or struggling to transition. We can only help them grow if we take a moment to uncover the reason behind the behavior.

Imagine a child who is told to clean up toys before going outside and reacts with, “No! You can’t make me!” It’s tempting to focus immediately on the chutzpah. But beneath that reaction might be something far simpler. Planning ahead is a skill; not every child has it. This child may not have realized how much time was left, how long cleanup would take, or how to organize themselves to accomplish both playing and going out. When we calmly say to the child, “Next time, before you start playing, let’s plan together so you’ll have time for everything,” we address the practical issue in a supportive way. The child feels understood rather than attacked.

Only after the underlying issue has been worked through is it productive to discuss the tone and disrespect. This conversation should take place when everyone is calm, even a day later. At that point, we can gently guide the child to reflect: How would they want to be spoken to? What tone feels respectful? How can they express frustration without crossing lines? When handled without anger, children are much more willing to take responsibility, to apologize, and to learn a better way for next time.

Separating the two conversations accomplishes far more than reacting in the moment. The child receives the skills they were missing; the relationship becomes stronger; and the parent avoids the endless cycle of battles that come from treating every misstep as chutzpah. Most importantly, the child learns both problem-solving and proper communication — two tools they will need for the rest of their life.

While it may feel like one more task in an already demanding job, leaning into these moments is an investment with tremendous payoff. By approaching these situations thoughtfully, we are not merely correcting behavior, we are preparing our children for a lifetime of healthy relationships, emotional regulation, and true success.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield is the Head of School of Yeshiva Toras Emes in Houston and author of bestselling book When They Were Young, published by ArtScroll.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1089)