On Succos we sit in our succah and contemplate Hashem’s tremendous kindness to us. He has allowed us to reach this season. He has blessed us with His protective shelter. He has sustained us with His bountiful harvest. Thank You Hashem! Without Your moment-by-moment intervention we would not survive let alone prosper. You are the source of all of our blessings and we so appreciate everything You do for us! Thank You. 

Becoming Appreciative

If only humans were naturally appreciative. In reality people tend to become appreciative in one of two main ways: through being taught or by being deprived. Let’s look at the second way first. Deprivation and its suffering are painful experiences. Not having hot water or food or money — in fact not having any of the “normal” comforts of modern life — causes people to particularly enjoy them when they are next experienced and sometimes forever more. For instance even after a temporary power shortage people can become permanently appreciative of the “normal” flow of electricity into their worlds. The larger the deprivation the greater the subsequent appreciation is likely to be: temporarily losing the use of one’s limb for example can cause a life-long appreciation for every little movement ever made once the use of the limb is restored. While deprivation is a potent teacher of appreciation we tend to prefer more benign lessons in character development. Fortunately we usually have willing teachers to instruct us in the art and skill of developing the middah of appreciation. Spouses and parents are happy to step in.

Teaching Appreciation Within the Family

Many families are plagued by a lack of appreciation. “I feel taken-for-granted as if everything I do is just expected” both husbands and wives complain.

“Every night I make a great meal and all I get is a grunt in acknowledgement. It takes me hours to shop for and prepare everything. I’d like the response to be a lot more enthusiastic!”

“I work so hard every day. My wife just asks me to do more and more. She doesn’t realize that I already do far more than the average husband. Instead of showing appreciation she’s always complaining that I don’t do enough for her!”

“My parents always criticize me for the things I do wrong. They never acknowledge how much I help out how good my grades are and how good a daughter I am. I know so many kids who are so much worse than me — but my parents don’t appreciate me.”

Being appreciated is being acknowledged. It’s as if someone is saying “I see you. I see what you do for me. I see the effort you put forth. I see your goodness. And I really appreciate it.” Being unappreciated on the other hand is like being invisible. “He/she doesn’t even know what I do. He/she doesn’t see the time and effort I put forward and doesn’t recognize my good intentions. It’s as if he/she doesn’t really know me and doesn’t care to know me.” Being rendered invisible and unknown is the essential wound caused by lack of appreciation. In order to be appreciative we all have to search for the positive in our family members. When we find it we have to name it. 

Look for the Good

It’s inexpensive and easy to show appreciation. Conveying appreciation with words and/or actions is one of the most powerful ways of building family harmony. Appreciation brings out the best in people leading to improvement in performance. Appreciation is the glue that cements family members together unifying giver and receiver. “Thank you so much for watching the kids so I could nap. You are the BEST!” “Thank you for taking my plate off the table.” “Here’s a little token of my appreciation to you for being so thoughtful the other day.” “Did I ever tell you how much I appreciate how much you do for me?” “Thank you for moving those papers off the sofa.” “Thanks for the delicious dinner!” “Thanks for taking out the garbage.” “Thank you for playing quietly.”

Knowing how to speak the language of appreciation is natural for those who were raised in appreciative households. However even those who grew up without a family habit of appreciation can become appreciative adults. Parents can make it natural for their kids to be talented appreciators by modeling the skill (thanking both them and their other parent regularly) and insisting on its use in household communication (“Thank your father for picking you up from Eli’s house” “Tell your mother how much you loved the special lunch she made you today” “Did you thank your sister for taking that message for you?”).

Say it smile it “high five” or acknowledge it with an act of kindness or a gift — however you offer it your appreciation will always be much appreciated!