My toddler has suddenly become frightened of everything

Q:

My two-year-old used to be a very easy child. I don’t know what’s gotten into her lately, but she’s become extremely anxious. She gets very panicky when other adults come near her. If she’s sitting on my lap at an appointment and someone tries to be friendly to her, she’ll burst out crying and bury herself into me. From a “safe distance” she’ll wave to people, saying good Shabbos and so on, but if someone approaches her up close she completely shuts down.

In the past couple of days, it has gotten even worse. She was reading a book, and she closed it and started crying, saying it was too scary. I flipped through the pages and couldn’t find anything remotely scary in the pictures. Until last week we could put her into her crib at bedtime, say Shema, and leave. Now either I or my husband has to stay with her until she falls asleep because otherwise she cries that she’s scared. I don’t know why this is happening, and I don’t know what to do to help her.

A:

What you’re describing is actually normal — and healthy! — child development. At around two, a toddler’s cognitive capacity begins increasing, allowing her to have a clearer perspective of the world around her. She’s now able to recognize recurring features of her environment, including the faces of familiar people. At the same time, she’s become aware that the world is also populated with unfamiliar people (strangers). Moreover, these strangers may be dangerous in that they’re unpredictable and may signal an upcoming separation from known people (like Mom). When someone or something new comes toward her, safe feelings are replaced by feelings of uncertainty, confusion, and sometimes even panic. A child can quickly become emotionally overwhelmed, responding as your toddler does, with tears and intense upset.

Contributing to these feelings of anxiety are newly developed powers of imagination. Toddlers are beginning to consciously remember their experiences and extrapolate from them. For instance, they can remember the doctor’s office, the strange people there and the needle that hurt; upon visiting that location again, a small child can have a sense that something unpleasant is about to occur. Her body may respond with stress chemistry, priming it for the fight-or-flight response. This can lead to “inexplicable” meltdowns in previously calm children.

Similarly, bedtime routines can trigger memories of separation, leading to distress responses such as crying, clinginess, and refusing to fall asleep independently even though doing so was once a given. All in all, the toddler is becoming “smarter,” but has not yet developed self-soothing skills to deal with a world now recognized to be uncertain and threatening. It’s as if her brain has gotten ahead of her heart. She now knows that all isn’t always well, but she doesn’t yet know how to stabilize herself through uncertainty, transitions, unfamiliarity, and other challenges. As a result, she regresses, collapsing into helpless tears or stubborn resistance.

Now let’s discuss how you can help your daughter negotiate this new stage. As she’s dealing with internal changes beyond her control, it is important to be accepting, gentle, and calm. She’s not intentionally trying to be difficult or demanding! “You want Mommy to stay here in your room while you fall asleep? Okay, Mommy will stay for a while.” There will be other separations that will have to happen, so she’ll have plenty of opportunities to survive those. This anxious need for your presence at bedtime is temporary; giving her what she wants will actually speed up her ability to become an independent sleeper again, because you’re soothing the alarm response in her, which will then make bedtime a less traumatic and traumatizing event.

When she cries at the approach of others, be careful to refrain from explaining that “she’s shy.” That label may create a condition that can take a long time to outgrow. Instead, explain to the approaching adult that your daughter isn’t in the mood for friendly conversation right now. There’s no need to impose socialization on your daughter. Doing so may prolong her sense of helplessness and lack of control, thereby prolonging her phase of anxiety. Your calm, confident attitude will put everyone at ease — especially your frightened toddler. Again, the more she feels accepted, safe, and in control, the quicker this new stage of development will pass. For the same reason, she should be allowed to close a “scary” book if she wants to for now. She doesn’t have to “face her fears” as an older child or adult would do in order to resolve anxiety.

In most cases, toddlers gain confidence and shed their temporary developmental panic and anxiety fairly quickly. Therefore, don’t alarm yourself by assuming that your daughter has an actual anxiety disorder. While not impossible, there’s no reason at this point to assume such a thing because what you’re looking at is far more likely to be just a normal developmental process. Hopefully, she’ll soon be back to her calmer, happier self.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 980)