What your wife is deeply craving is that sense that you want the relationship as much as she does

Written with Zivia Reischer

Rabbi Shafier,

I’ve been married for five years. We have three kids. My wife is great and our marriage is great. At least, that’s what I thought. But lately I’m finding that my wife is always in a bad mood. She picks fights about dumb things and nothing is ever good enough for her, almost like she’s looking for reasons to be unhappy.

I realize there’s probably something behind this, and I tried talking to her about it, but whenever I ask her what’s wrong, she gives me all these complaints she has about me — I’m never home, we never talk, I don’t spend time with her, she feels like the housekeeper and the nanny.

I’m very busy. I work very hard. I run my own business, and it’s not like I can just clock out at 5 p.m. I get up early to learn the daf and daven, and then I’m busy nonstop all day. I try to get home in time to help with bedtime (at least a few nights a week), and then there’s Maariv and just the regular commitments that come with life. It’s not like I’m avoiding her on purpose or partying with my friends while ignoring her.

I get that she’s overwhelmed and burned out. I told her that any time she wants to go out, I’ll make time for her. She should just pick a time and place, a restaurant or whatever she’ll enjoy, and I’ll take the evening off and we’ll go out. But she never takes me up on it. She just keeps complaining. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do — she says she wants to spend time together, but then she never actually does it. I don’t understand her at all. What does she want from me?

What you are describing is probably the most common issue that couples suffer from today — we just don’t spend time together. Oh, yes, we spend time together doing things — running errands and talking about the kids and attending bar mitzvahs and weddings. But we’re so busy running, doing, taking care of this detail and that errand that all we seem to talk about is logistics. What time should we leave? Should Shani get braces? Which yeshivah should Moshe go to?

This lifestyle takes a closely connected couple and turns them into comanagers of the family business. Do we spend time together? Yes, but it’s all on logistics and appointments, schedules and responsibilities.

The essence of your marriage, and the success of your family, depends on the bond of love and connection between you. And that bond needs nurturing. It needs attention. Your relationship is like a flower: If you don’t water it, it dies.

I think you get that. But there’s a subtlety here that I think you’re missing. Most women are insecure about their relationship — does he really care? Does he really want to spend time with me, or is he just fulfilling another obligation, checking one more thing off his to-do list?

What your wife is deeply craving is that sense that you want the relationship as much as she does. You asked your wife what she wants from you and she answered you: She wants you to spend more time with her. But it’s much more than spending time with you — she wants to connect, to bond. She wants to know that you care. When you tell her, “Just tell me where and when and I’ll show up,” she thinks, Forget it. He’s not interested. What’s the point?

The rule is: It’s the husband’s job to plan the date. (It’s the wife’s job to find a babysitter.)

Half the effect of the date is that you planned it. When you take time to think of an outing she’ll enjoy, research the venue, make reservations, and clear your calendar, you’re communicating to her that she’s important to you. She’s worth the time and effort it takes. She matters. When you plan the date, she feels taken care of. You show her that she’s precious and you value her.

It’s your job to plan the date and it’s your job to romance your wife. “Romance” means giving her a lot of time and attention. This is not just a one-time date. It’s the little notes you leave her, the just-checking-in texts, the phone calls to see how her day is going. It’s the small gestures — if she asks you to stop in the grocery to buy milk on the way home, buy her a chocolate bar also. But above all, it’s spending time together.

This, probably more than anything else, will make a real difference in your relationship, for the simple reason that spending time together is what actually creates a relationship. (If you barely see someone and rarely speak to them and never spend time with them, do you have a relationship?) It’s a simple equation — spending time together builds a relationship, not spending time together diminishes the relationship. And when the relationship is weak, you start getting complaints, and all sorts of small issues grow and spiral out of control. You suddenly find yourself in crisis, but there’s nothing really wrong with you as a couple, except that you’re no longer spending time together.

You’ve become so distracted by all the (legitimate) demands on your time that you’re not giving any time to your wife and your marriage. Shower her with time and attention and watch her — and you, as a couple — transform.

Public service announcement

The single best investment you can make toward the success of your marriage is to regularly spend time together with your spouse.

Some couples go to therapy, others go out together. Take your pick.

“We’re just not connecting.”

“The spark is gone.”

I hear these complaints frequently, and I always ask the same question: How often do you go out together?

Typically the answer is, “We don’t.”

If you’re not going to spend time together, you’re not going to have a relationship.

Going out together doesn’t mean to a bar mitzvah or a wedding that you spend on opposite sides of the mechitzah, socializing with people other than your spouse. Going out means going out as a couple, spending time exclusively with each other for the duration of the date. It means going out and paying attention to each other, not talking about the kids or the bills (or looking at your phone). Romance, as in spending time together and paying attention to each other, is one of the tools that Hashem gave us to help couples bond.

This is the third really dumb mistake that very smart couples make: They stop focusing on their marriage.

This is not a mistake people make consciously. Most couples simply slide into it unaware as life gets busier and busier — particularly as their family grows. Probably the single greatest challenge to a successful marriage is your children. But your attitude has to be that your marriage takes priority over any other relationship, and that includes your children.

Children are a tremendous brachah. They also compete dramatically for your time. They demand so much time and attention that in a typical household there’s little time left for a husband and wife to connect properly. This is normal and typical, but it means that if you want to have a marriage, you have to fight for it. Set aside times that are sacred for Mommy and Tatty — a weekly date night, or a time to eat supper together without interruptions.

I get a lot of pushback when I make this suggestion. People feel guilty: How can I rob my kids of attention? How can I leave them at bedtime? If I don’t do homework with them, they won’t do well in school and will feel like a failure and won’t grow up to be successful adults! But more important to their healthy development than homework and bedtime routines is a functional, stable home with parents who are closely connected. The surest path to wholesome, successful kids is a happy home. If your marriage starts disintegrating, the stability of your kids is jeopardized. That requires time. The greatest gift you can give your kids is a strong marriage.

Spending time together as a couple will make you happy, your wife happy, your marriage strong, and your kids secure. Does it get any better than that?

Rabbi Bentzion Shafier is the founder of TheShmuz.com, a life-changing mussar shiur that is available on TorahAnytime, The Shmuz Podcast and The Shmuz App. His newest book release, The Ten Really Dumb Mistakes That Very Smart Couples Make, is available on TheShmuz.com and will hit Jewish bookstores later this year.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 879)