Three women share the unconventional parenting approach that fits their family

A Gentle Touch

Blimie Heller, Toms River

What I do

I don’t really like labels for the way I parent, but some people would call it gentle parenting or respectful parenting. I give parenting classes on the ideas I’ve developed through my research, but I don’t call it a method; it’s more of a consciousness. I always tell parents, “Only take what resonates with you.”

Why I do it

I remember feeling oppressed by rules as a kid and wondering if it really has to be this way. I didn’t always think it was fair when I was punished.

But then I had my first child, and I didn’t know how to deal with her “disobedience.” (I put this in quotes because I no longer think in these terms when it comes to my children. I prefer to think in terms of what gives me the sense that my children and I are on the same team — that they are not against me.) When my daughter was four years old, she had a very strong personality, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was struggling, feeling a distance between us that I knew I didn’t want to be there.

I’ve always loved reading, and I got a ton of books on parenting. I’ve also taken lots of classes on attachment theory and the science of child development. One thing I knew going in was that I didn’t want anything about behaviorism — that’s how we train animals. I wanted something different.

The books that stand out in my mind right now are Hold On to Your Kids by Drs. Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld; Mona Delahooke’s Beyond Behaviors; and Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication. While Rosenberg’s book isn’t specifically about parenting, it shifted my view of my role as a parent. (In fact, Rosenberg said he regretted choosing Nonviolent Communication as the title of his book because it doesn’t accurately portray what the book is about.)

As I delved into this, I realized a lot of the more common ways of dealing with kids’ behavior weren’t really effective. If you punish a kid for hitting, for example, you’re not teaching him how to communicate. You’re policing him.

I also learned how a child’s brain develops over time, and I came to understand that harsh parenting is a result of a common lack of understanding of child development. For example, younger children don’t have much impulse control; they develop it as they grow. If parents realized that the child will outgrow many behaviors, they would be more patient and less punishing.