Only to a person who has already left This World, to whom we are bidding a final farewell, we say 'lech b'shalom,' go with the perfection that you already attained

I’m wondering, practically speaking, how a wife can encourage her husband to learn more without being a nag or condescending. My husband works all day and has an early morning chavrusa. Then at night when he comes home from work, after eating dinner, he has about two hours before going to sleep. He splits that time by learning with a chavrusa for 25 minutes and davening, and then the rest of the time is up to him. He usually works, e-mails, reads news articles, or watches silly videos on frum sites, or talks on the phone.

How can I encourage him to use more of his time for Torah learning? This is very important to me. I know it’s important to him too because I hear him telling other people how he wishes he had more time to learn, etc. But then when I see him “batteling” I wonder why he doesn’t just learn instead. Are my expectations too high? Should I leave well enough alone and just daven harder? Or can I help him maximize his potential?

Rabbi Zev Leff

Not knowing the details necessary to truly give you advice, I will suffice with giving you some general rules to apply to your specific situation.

1. A person should always have short-range and long-range goals in spiritual matters and never be satisfied with the status quo. Human being are mehalchim, walkers, as opposed to angels or animals who stand on one consistent level. That is why we part from a living person with “lech l’shalom,” go toward perfection. One never reaches perfection, but is always striving toward more and more. Only to a person who has already left This World, to whom we are bidding a final farewell, we say “lech b’shalom,” go with the perfection that you already attained.
2. At the same time, one must know his situation and what is realistic to demand of himself at any particularly juncture. If a person tries to push himself too much, he may cause himself more harm than good. This, says the Chofetz Chaim, is the satan “behind us,” sometimes pushing us to achieve that which is currently impossible for us to undertake.
3. Although one must not be satisfied with one’s spiritual status quo, one must also be happy with one’s present accomplishments, as the Vilna Gaon explains in the verse in Mishlei, “The heart of the wise one is to the right, and the heart of the fool is to the left.” What one has already learned in a Hebrew sefer is to his right, and that which he has yet to learn is to his left. A fool only concentrates on what he has yet to learn and gives up in frustration, whereas the wise person strives to learn more, but gains strength and encouragement by recognizing what he has already accomplished.
4. As an ezer k’negdo, you should strive to encourage your husband to improve his learning and other spiritual quests. Yet, you should not demand or expect of him that which he is not presently capable of doing. Show him that you appreciate and value the learning he does do and the effort he expends to keep up set learning times despite his busy work schedule. If you act as a wise wife, I’m sure you will find the proper balance between urging your husband to improve while appreciating him at his present level.

With all of this, daven that you be successful in striking this balance and I’m sure you and your family will consistently rise to greater and greater levels of spiritual accomplishments.

Rabbi Zev Leff is the rav of Moshav Matityahu, rosh yeshivah of Yeshivah Gedolah Matisyahu and rosh kollel of kollel Yesod Refael. Rav Leff is an internationally recognized lecturer, and teaches in numerous seminaries, where he is valued for his incisive classes, which combine scholarship, wit, and a deep understanding of contemporary issues. His most recent book is, Festivals of Life: The depth and meaning of the mo’adim.

Rebbetzin Lea Feldman

I hear and understand your pain and frustration. Yet I understand your husband as well. If a person doesn’t have a strong cheshek, a deep desire to learn, it’s hard after a long day to learn for a large chunk of time. Your husband probably works hard, and by evening his mind is tired, he’s worn out, and wants to relax and air himself out.

Someone who has a deep desire to learn will grab whatever moments he can to do so. But cheshek is something that must come from within; it grows within a person as he becomes connected to his Torah learning. It’s not something that you can cause a person to have. Your husband is careful to learn both in the morning and the evening — despite his full day — and that’s admirable. It’s not realistic to expect much more from him.

That said, there is one thing you can try that may help spur your husband to learn more. Try, without his knowledge, to find someone who is weak in learning and needs a learning partner. Speak to your local rav and see if he knows someone not-yet-frum or a fresh baal teshuvah who would like a steady learning partnership. You may also want to contact Partners in Torah. Then, have them contact your husband and ask him if he can teach this person.

When a person is put in a teaching position, it connects him to his learning in a powerful way. Being in the position of mashpia, giving Torah over to another person, can be incredibly gratifying. Doing so may ignite your husband’s cheshek and prompt him to learn more seriously and steadily.

Rebbetzin Lea Feldman is the wife of Rav Aharon Feldman, rosh yeshivah of yeshivas Ner Israel. She served as the resident shadchan of Neve Yerushalyim for close to 30 years, making more than 100 shidduchim. She continues to counsel many on the topics of shidduchim and marriage.

Rabbi Dovid Hochberg

Your question generated much discussion and evoked very strong feelings from every man and woman with whom I shared it. Most of the reactions revolved around whether it is necessary for men to get a break when they come home, and whether women should push their husbands to grow. However, as I typically try to do in this column, please allow me to answer your question with a deeper perspective that will not only help you with this issue, but will provide you with a greater understanding of relationships.

You described your husband as a man who learns early in the morning, works all day, learns a little more at night, and spends the remaining time “batteling.” You questioned whether your expectations were too high or if you should you try to help him maximize his potential.

The path to this deeper perspective begins with a deceptively simple question: Why are you dissatisfied with the amount your husband is learning?

“What kind of question is that?” you may wonder. “Doesn’t every woman want her husband to maximize his spiritual potential and be successful? Learning is important to me and it is perfectly reasonable to want him to be the best he can be!”

You are absolutely correct. Of course, every woman wants her husband to maximize his potential … but for many different reasons. Surprisingly, these reasons are not always obvious and often require tremendous honesty to uncover. Practical ideas will only take you as far as these underlying, and often deeply profound, reasons will allow.

I don’t know your particular situation, so I will simply share some possible reasons as to why you might be dissatisfied with your husband’s learning.

Perhaps you have always envisioned the way your home would look when you got married. That vision may have included a picture of your husband spending every available moment learning and your being very proud of him for it. Now, you are facing the truth that your vision may be different from your reality, and you are not yet prepared to accept that. You struggle to find ways to change your reality to match your expectations.

You may see your husband’s learning as part of your own identity. You may tell yourself that you married a real masmid and that makes you feel good. However, if your husband doesn’t use every moment for learning — and perhaps stops fitting your definition of a masmid — you start to feel uncomfortable with who you are and whether or not you are meeting the expectations of your community and those around you. After all, how will they view you now? And more importantly, how will you view yourself?

Perhaps you have a brother or brother-in-law that excels in learning and uses every moment for learning. Understandably, you want your husband to do the same because that is what you grew up with or what you absorbed from watching those around you. However, the deeper issue is that you see your husband living in your brother’s or brother-in-law’s shadow.

Maybe, upon honest reflection, there is even a part of you that is resentful he isn’t spending more time with you. If he is learning, you tolerate that feeling because you are proud of what he is doing. However, if he is going to be watching videos or e-mailing, you may wish that he would spend that time with you, and that makes you quietly resentful.

Now, you may be thinking, “Is it wrong for me to want him to learn more for these reasons?” Not necessarily. My point is not whether it is right or wrong; it is that the underlying reasons will limit your ability to apply practical solutions unless you understand exactly what you are trying to achieve and why.

Without this understanding and honesty, the deeper issues remains obscured and will continue to appear. For example, if you struggle with worrying how others will view you if your husband is not the masmid you envisioned, you will find yourself facing this issue in other areas of your life. And you will always have that fear nagging at you … even when your practical solutions work. After all, what if the solutions stop working? Or your husband doesn’t want to use them?

Consider sharing with your husband the honest reasons why you want him to increase his learning. Perhaps that would free him to be honest with you about why he doesn’t.

May Hashem give you and your husband tremendous siyata d’Shmaya in your relationship and may both of you always have the insight and integrity to face the challenges of your lives.

Rabbi Dovid Hochberg, LCSW-C, is the director of the Maryland Counseling Network and a sought-after psychotherapist. He has published and lectured extensively on mental health, marriage, parenting, and relationship issues and is the author of The Jewish Teen’s Survival Guide.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 266)