Many times each week parents come to my office wanting “to stop yelling at my children.” Such parents already know that yelling is damaging in every way — hurting the parent-child bond decreasing authority impacting negatively on chinuch and seriously harming the psychological wellbeing of the children. Yet despite this knowledge these parents cannot help themselves: the loud voice just seems to “happen.”

Parents can read books listen to lectures and take parenting courses that teach alternative strategies for discipline. Yet in the moment they might still shout at their kids. The problem is that yelling “works.” The “payoff” for yelling — the change in the child’s behavior — is what cements the neural pathway in the parent’s brain creating an actual addiction to yelling.

Behavioral Addiction

By definition addiction is a behavior that feels out of our control. People want to stop eating sugar or drinking caffeinated beverages but find that they “can’t.” Those addicted to unhealthy substances or activities would really like to turn over a new leaf but they find that they just “can’t.” Parents who want to stop yelling but “can’t ” are as addicted to that behavior as the smoker is to his.

Usually the addicted brain is reinforced by the chemistry of pleasure. Rage sends out a chemical response that the brain finds oddly satisfying and this is one of the factors that keeps the yelling going. Then there is the external payoff we discussed earlier — the child’s behavioral shift as he or she finally stops the offensive behavior.

To the parent’s brain this is much like the gambler’s winning deal — something “good” has come of the addiction. Overcoming the addiction to yelling therefore involves addressing both the internal chemistry of the act and the external payoff.

Changing One’s Mind

One can alter the sequence of yell/feel-good by adding a strong feel-bad feeling to the cycle. The new sequence then becomes yell/feel-good/feel-really-bad. Altering brain chemistry in this way can help break the addictive cycle. For instances animals who receive an electric shock after engaging in addictive behaviors will soon stop engaging in those behaviors. Although it’s not recommended that parents give themselves electrical shocks for yelling they should definitely give themselves a safe equivalent. If you’re serious about stopping your yelling pick some truly aversive consequence that you are willing to give yourself each time you raise your voice. You’ll experience a rapid cure.

Dealing with the Payoff

Children will almost always give parents a payoff for yelling — the change in their behavior. To address this problem parents must find ways of receiving an even better payoff for not yelling. While the reward of having healthier children in the long run is beautiful it is not the kind of thing that the brain can appreciate in the moment. In order to reinforce the brain you need a truly rewarding reward that the brain can experience in the short run. Here is one type of reward system you can create for yourself to accomplish this:

Tell yourself that if you make it through the morning without raising your voice you will give yourself a “star” on your “no-yelling chart.” You can earn another star for making it through the afternoon and a third star for making it through the evening. Once you earn a certain number of stars you can cash your chart in for an extremely desirable reward.

You should establish the reward before you start collecting stars so that your brain can anticipate the pleasure. Moreover cash in your chart within a week of stars for your first reward. Do this by setting the number of stars required at a realistic level — for instance decide that you need to earn at least sixteen stars in order to get your first prize. That means that you can make a few errors in your first week (since there are twenty-one potential stars in a seven-day period). After you earn your first prize extend the number of required no-yelling hours so that the day is now divided into two no-yelling periods rather than three. You could potentially earn twenty-eight stars over a two-week period so set the required stars for your second prize at twenty-one. Give yourself a bigger and better prize when you reach twenty-one stars.

Finally make each no-yelling period one full day long. You could earn twenty-one stars in three weeks so set your requirement at seventeen stars. Now give yourself an even better payoff once you’ve earned seventeen stars. You should continue your chart in this way making increasing demands on your performance for about six weeks in order to firmly establish your new no-yelling habit. Whatever it costs you in personal rewards should be less than the cost of ongoing therapy for you and your children — and much more fun as well!