There’s a story told by Rabbi Paysach Krohn which I’ve been thinking about quite a bit recently. Two men went to the Kosel together to daven Maariv. One was a very wealthy individual who was a noted baal tzedakah; the other was R’ Chanania Chollek founder of Ezer Mizion a prominent medical and social support organization in Eretz Yisrael.

At the Kosel they saw an older man davening fervently and sobbing. Moved by the man’s obvious pain R’ Chanania turned to his companion and suggested “Let’s offer to help this man with whatever he needs. If he needs medical help I can be of service. If he needs financial assistance you can lend a hand.” His companion agreed.

After the older man finished davening the two men approached him with their offer. But the man insisted that he did not need anything — nothing was wrong. When the two men persisted the older man explained: “I just returned from the chasunah of my youngest child. I have ten children and now baruch Hashem they are all married. I’m so filled with gratitude to Hashem Yisbarach that I felt I must come to the Kosel after the chasunah to express my thanks to Him. What you saw were tears of joy not tears of sorrow.”

I too just recently married off my last child so this story resonates deeply. My feelings of gratitude to the Ribono shel Olam are indescribable.

The Challenge of Gratitude

Dovid HaMelech expresses his thanks to Hashem by saying “Ashirah laShem b’chayai azamrah leiLokai b’odi.” Rav Shmuel Levine a maggid shiur in Telshe Chicago explained the pasuk as follows: I will sing to Hashem b’chayai — for the regular kindnesses He does for me in life. I will make music to Hashem b’odi — for the od for the additional chasadim that He has done for me above and beyond all my expectations.

It’s human nature to feel grateful for what we perceive as the undeserved kindnesses which are done for us; it is relatively easy to feel intense gratitude to the Ribono shel Olam for b’odi. The challenge is to feel gratitude for b’chayai as well to appreciate the gift of every moment of our lives. How can we accomplish this?

The word for “appreciation” in lashon hakodesh is hakaras hatov — recognition of the good that was done for us. “Gratitude” in lashon hakodesh is hoda’ah related to the word “viduy ” admission. Appreciation and gratitude begin with the recognition and the admission that HaKadosh Baruch Hu has done chesed for us. When we delude ourselves into thinking that we are the masters of our destiny or that the good we are given is not a kindness but our right then we will be neither appreciative nor grateful.

Why is it that having hakaras hatov is so difficult for many people?

As we know everything in the physical world has a parallel in the ruchniyus world.

The middos that we must develop and refine parallel and are derived from the middos of Hashem. One of the 613 mitzvos is the mitzvah of v’halachta b’drachav to walk in the ways of Hashem by emulating His middos. Just as Hashem is compassionate so too must we be compassionate. Just as Hashem gives graciously so too we should give graciously.

When Hashem revealed His Thirteen Middos to Moshe Rabeinu He told Moshe “Whenever Bnei Yisrael sin ya’asu lefanai they should act in front of me according to the Thirteen Middos and I will forgive them” (Maseches Rosh HaShanah 17). The goal is not merely to recite the Thirteen Middos but to live by them.

The Missing Middah

However there is one crucial middah that we must develop within ourselves that is not derived from the middos of Hashem: the middah of hakaras hatov. Hashem cannot recognize or acknowledge a favor someone has done for Him since Hashem is perfect and lacks nothing. Therein lies the difficulty of feeling hakaras hatov: There is no parallel in the spiritual world no root of this middah in Hashem. A person has to create it entirely within himself. How does he do so?

When Leah Imeinu had her fourth child she named him Yehudah — “Hapa’am odeh es Hashem this time I will thank Hashem.” By examining what caused Leah to feel intense gratitude to Hashem specifically upon the birth of her fourth child perhaps we can come to a deeper understanding of how we too can cultivate feelings of gratitude to Hashem.

Rashi explains that the Imahos were prophetesses and they knew that there would be twelve shvatim born to the four wives of Yaakov Avinu. Leah assumed that each of the wives would give birth to three sons. When she gave birth to a fourth son she felt that she was granted more than her share. This feeling of being granted extra — of b’odi — was the source of her intense gratitude.

It’s been suggested that there was an additional aspect to Leah’s feeling of gratitude. Leah had expected to give birth to three children; she felt a certain entitlement to those children. When she gave birth to her fourth child however she realized that since she was being granted more than her share then one of the other wives would be granted less. At that point she came to the realization that even her first three children were not necessarily her “fair share.” Even they were “extra ” and could not be taken for granted. When Leah proclaimed “Now I am thanking Hashem ” she was thanking Hashem not only for the fourth child but for the earlier three children as well.

Many of us expect our lives to be smooth and happy. We think that an easy life is our G-d-given right something that’s coming to us. When we go through periods that are relatively problem free we don’t feel gratitude because on some level we feel entitled to a good life. It is only when we have in excess of what we feel we’re entitled to that we feel truly grateful.

This is a mistake. Hashem owes us nothing; we are not entitled to anything. Our entire lives are a chesed from Hashem. Rashi explains in the first pasuk of Parshas Va’eschanan that tzaddikim request things from Hashem as a matnas chinam as an undeserved favor. When we realize that nothing is coming to us and everything is a gift then we can truly feel grateful for all the good that Hashem has showered upon us.

The story is told of a Yid who noticed that the Chofetz Chaim always davened a very long Shemoneh Esrei. He asked him what lofty thoughts he thinks about during his tefillah. The Chofetz Chaim replied that while saying Modim he contemplates the myriad kindnesses that Hashem does for him on a daily basis. Taking the time to think about all that he is grateful for is what made his Shemoneh Esrei so long.

Let us follow in the footsteps of the Chofetz Chaim and focus on the chasadim that Hashem does for us each and every moment of each and every day. Let’s dedicate ourselves to recognize Hashem’s ongoing chesed in our lives and express our gratitude to Him — for both the “b’chayai” and the “b’odi.” And then we too can take joy in the boundless kindness surrounding us.