My brother’s wife has a problem with rage. How can I help him?

Q:

I’m really worried about my brother, and I don’t know how to best advise him. He’s been married for five years and has two young children. His wife, Shani, is an “interesting” person, to put it nicely. On the one hand, she’s very warm and sweet whenever she’s around us, but I know from my brother that she has quite the temper at home. He has called me so many times in a panic, not knowing how to calm her down and not knowing what he’s supposed to be doing or saying to improve the marriage. I’m no marriage counselor and of course, even if I was, I wouldn’t be handling his “case”! But I’m having a very hard time watching this because I know and love my brother so much. He’s such a gentle soul who wouldn’t hurt a fly! Shani refuses to go to marriage counseling with him. His rav urges him to be patient. What is my role?

A: 

You’re asking a really important question! You want to be supportive, but you’re not sure what that entails on a practical level. Your brother does seem to be looking for specific advice because he asks you 1) how to help calm his wife and 2) how to be a better husband.

The best advice would be to suggest marital counseling and say nothing else. But your brother’s wife has already rejected that idea. The next best strategy is to suggest that your brother seek personal professional counseling (as he has already sought rabbinical advice).

Still, let’s explore what you can say and do if he reaches out to you in a moment of crisis.

I’m sure your brother is quite alarmed at his wife’s intense emotionality. After all, we’re all deeply agitated when another adult rages at us, whether that adult is a boss, a stranger, a friend, or a spouse.

Rage is like a huge fire that at first can’t be controlled; it needs time to run its course. Therefore, the sad answer to, “How can I calm my wife down?” is, “You can’t, at least not when the fire is still out of control.” The best thing to do is step out of the way. Having a “discussion” with a raging person is out of the question. Remain quiet and, if physically safe, stay present.

Discussions can sometimes be held later on in the day or week. I say “sometimes” because some people who are rageaholics aren’t candidates for private marital conflict resolution sessions — they will need professional assistance. There are yet others (fortunately small in number) who cannot manage even with professional assistance.

Even though you aren’t a marriage counselor, you could offer an opinion — just clarify that this is what it is. For instance, you can say things like, “I’m not sure what other people have to say about this but I personally think that no one is responsible for someone else’s behavior. I don’t think your wife isn’t raging because of what you said or did but more because this is her way of expressing frustration and upset. But there are other ways of addressing strong feelings in a healthy, respectful manner. Maybe you could try to change her mind about going to couples counseling.”

Your brother probably won’t want any “stronger” advice than that. However, it’s unlikely he will try to raise the counseling issue again with his wife. He has accepted responsibility for upsetting her, indicating that confrontation and boundary setting are probably not his strong points.

In fact, through his apologetic stance, he’s unwittingly allowing her to indulge in her tantrums. He may even be reinforcing the rage attacks if he is going so far as to change his own behavior in response to her tantrums or if he starts tiptoeing around her and being “extra good” after one of her explosions. Many people don’t realize that when adult tantrums “work” (meaning, the raging person gets her way or gets a lot of attention or gets to dominate or control outcomes), they will happen again and again, usually becoming more and more intense over time. Submissive partners innocently contribute to the dysfunctional marital interaction. Really, both people need to change.

Unfortunately, as a sister, you aren’t in the best position to help your brother’s marital behavior. Again, your best bet is to steer him toward his own therapy if his wife won’t join him in a couples treatment. And keep in mind, that even if you say nothing at all but just allow him to talk things through to you, a nonjudgmental listener, this is extremely valuable and supportive. Eventually he may come to realize himself that he needs to enlist professional help for a situation that is this challenging and intense.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 953)