Among the several cultural shocks that struck me during a recent visit to theUSAwas the fact that major medical centers around the country have now resorted to commercial advertising.Houston’sAndersonMedicalCenter one of the world’s great facilities is pushing its wares as if they were toothpaste. So is Cleveland Clinic the world-famous heart center. So isEmoryUniversityHospital the South’s premier research facility. Competition for the medical dollar is stiff and apparently there is no choice but to advertise. There is also stiff competition for lawyers dentists accountants and so all these professionals now advertise.

The fact is that in synagogue life there is also competition for members. It is also only a matter of time before synagogues and rabbis begin to advertise. As a public service and guideline — and in honor of Purim — we offer here a sample ad:

SWIFT DAVENING Come to Congregation Anshei Atzeilim. Our Shabbos davening is swift and easy allowing you to get home quickly to enjoy your well deserved cholent and long Shabbos nap. You work hard all week. Why should endless synagogue prayers and long sermons deprive you of much needed sleep? We start out at a convenient nine-thirty hour and you are out by eleven. We have padded comfortable seats suitable for an occasional snooze year-round climate control and no-hassle sermons. And our minhag is NOT to wait for the rabbi who wants to take his time with his personal shemoneh esrei. He can take as long as likes but he cannot expect hundreds of people to wait patiently for him. So we start the repeat of the shemoneh esrei as soon as just one person has completed it.

SWIFT NONJUDGMENTAL SERMONS Our rabbi is friendly and nonjudgmental. He never suggests how you should live your life. You are a mature person and no one needs to tell you anything. And no sermon runs more than a quick 12 minutes. Guaranteed.

HIGH HOLIDAYS Our High Holidays are a spectacular treat. We offer a 45-minute break before Shofar serving delicious coffee and an assortment of mouth-watering cakes cookies soft drinks and juices. With such delicious gastronomical preparation shofar blowing and Musaf have never been more fulfilling and satisfying. Our Yom Kippur davening is no less innovative. We start at a comfortable nine a.m. and we offer a three-hour break prior to Minchah something no other synagogue can match. This is because our no-frills chazzanim are not only good but also quick and efficient. And our members-only break-the-fast treats right after Ne’ilah have been widely imitated but never matched. High Holidays at Anshei Atzeilim are an experience you and your family will never forget. They make the Days of Awe truly awesome.

KIDDUSH CLUB INNOVATIONS Our forward-looking congregation has embraced the latest in synagogue innovations: the Kiddush Club movement. Fully cognizant that the Shabbos morning davening takes much too long Kiddush Club enables members to leave the shul during the haftarah reading to retreat into a specially selected private room and there to recite Kiddush at least one hour before the rest of the congregation does so. Ours is the only Kiddush Club that serves both Johnny Walker Black and Chivas Regal Scotch — because we believe in nothing but the best for our members. No other Kiddush Club can make this statement.

WEEKLY SIT-DOWN KIDDUSH As if this is not enough reason to join our synagogue we also offer a regular sit-down Kiddush after Shabbos davening is officially over. This is one Kiddush you will never forget. It includes hot cholent wine bourbon and scotch (again Johnny Walker Black and Chivas Regal) plus a dazzling variety of cakes and cookies you will not want to miss.

SUNDAY BAGELS AND LOX Sunday mornings are a special treat. Our famous Bagel and Lox Minyan is fabulous. After a Shacharis that takes only 20 quick minutes we offer a special expansive breakfast of baked salmon fresh orange juice delicious hot bagels cream cheese Norwegian lox scrambled eggs fresh fruits coffee Danishes chocolates and all the trimmings. And all this is free of charge as part of the overall total membership package that we are offering this month only!

NO-RISK GUARANTEE For a limited time only we are offering this special no-risk offer: If in the first three months of your membership for any reason whatsoever you are not satisfied your dues will be refunded no questions asked. You cannot afford to overlook this special offer. You owe it to yourselves and to our sacred heritage to become part of G-d’s holy house the Anshei Atzeilim “The Caring Shul for Those Who Care About Themselves.”