Defuse fights by understanding your inner conflict

Your son Moishy comes home from yeshivah at half past ten, and throws off his shoes, hat, and jacket. You brace yourself for his mood even as you stay positive, greeting him with a smile.

“Hi, sweetie how was your—”

“I’m hungry!” Moishy barks.

But he grunts when you offer him the supper you prepared specially for him. Your smile becomes forced, and it’s with clenched teeth that you offer to make him a bowl of cereal or a Tradition soup. Too late. Moishy’s already buried in a book on the couch, and you feel ignored.

You decide to push yourself to be a “better” mother and continue to engage him. You sit down next to him on the couch, give him a little back rub, and try again.

“I want to hear all about your day, sweetie, anything new?”

“You asked me that yesterday… nothing is new, just a long day, and you’re asking too many questions.”

Dejected, you turn away. As you walk to your room, you shout out a half-baked, “I love you,” to which Moishy responds, “Don’t forget to buy me more socks… and did you wash my shirt?”

As you lie down to sleep, you’re kept awake by thoughts swirling in your head. What kind of relationship is this? you think. Tomorrow, you decide, you are not even setting aside the supper. You’ll show him.

How many times do moms find themselves in repetitive chinuch conflicts, desperately wishing for a way out? We try so hard, but it doesn’t seem to work the way the books say it should. How can we make this scenario look different?

One thing is for sure: “If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.” When you find yourself in a constant state of conflict with a child, or anyone for that matter, and you wish for something to change, invite yourself to try something new.