Accepting others brings about the most change

T

here are, despite what the world around us might say, gender differences. However, they manifest on a “sliding scale.” Character traits and tendencies don’t come in black and white; they come in shades of gray along a continuum. A particular woman can have a trait that’s found in most men, while a particular man can have a trait that’s found mostly in women. We’re all individuals with our unique combination of traits.

But let’s put that understanding aside for a bit so that we can look at the middle of the continuum — the place where the majority of men and women experience and display personality tendencies — so we can better understand the challenges of marriage and how to negotiate them.

Friendship

Husbands and wives are often good friends; they laugh, discuss current events, run errands, and spend leisure time together. They help and support each other. They work on joint projects (like building a Jewish home!) and often share a common vision.

If spouses spend all this friendly time together, why is there conflict in marriage? Why is it often easier to spend time with a member of your own gender?

The answer lies in the typical differences between the genders. A man can be a woman’s closest companion, but he is nothing like her best friend. A woman’s best friend understands her, woman to woman. They share a brain style and a lifestyle in that they approach the tasks of their day as women. In fact, almost every detail of life is genderized, including how you relax, what and how much you eat, what you find interesting, what you deem important, and so on. Because of this, women have more in common with each other than they do with men.

The Marriage Relationship

While many women enjoy talking about feelings and relationships, many men do not. A woman sometimes feels lonely in her marriage because of this difference, misinterpreting her husband’s reluctance to engage verbally as a lack of interest in her. If she finds herself frequently walking, driving, working, or eating with her husband in semi-silence, she may feel that there is something very wrong with their relationship. Her husband, on the other hand, will often feel close to her in exactly the same circumstances.

Men often prefer activity to talking. Whether he wants to learn, fix something, pay bills, or work out, he’s often very happy to have his partner nearby. For him, proximity can create closeness  — words aren’t always needed.

He’ll often be surprised, confused, and dismayed when his wife complains about the “distance” she perceives between them. He feels that he shows his love by doing what is required of him: providing for the family, taking care of things, leading the family spiritually. He wants to feel appreciated for all of this but instead, finds that his wife has endless complaints. According to her, he doesn’t provide enough or in the right way, he isn’t “religious” enough, or doesn’t do things right, he’s too hard on or too lenient with the kids, and he should be doing something other than what he is doing with his time. His most serious “crime” will be that he doesn’t listen to her or understand her feelings and needs.

Adjusting to Reality

Women often expect their husbands to be like themselves. When they notice differences, they try to massage them away by urging their partners to behave more like women  — to be more gentle, perceptive, and communicative. Although a loving spouse will try to stretch in order to please his or her partner, most of the time people remain largely true to their own character and gender.

Learning to love, appreciate, and value partners just as they are is the primary task of marriage. When these feelings are expressed clearly between spouses  — when each feels cherished, appreciated, and respected as he or she is  — each tries harder to please the other.

Ironically, accepting others brings about the most change. But acceptance isn’t a mask one can wear. One must actually view one’s spouse correctly, seeing their actions and feelings as legitimate, powerful sources of love. When a woman does this correctly, she feels the love and closeness of her husband through his actions. When a man does it correctly, he understands that his wife’s feelings are her investment in him and their marriage. They may be different, but they are finally on the same page. (Originally featured in Family First, Issue 594)