What can I do about the fact that I don’t enjoy Purim?

Q:

Here’s the problem: I don’t like Purim. I don’t like it because I’m supposed to host a family seudah this year, and I don’t like hosting. I don’t like it because I’m supposed to pack creative mishloach manos and I’m not creative. I don’t like it because I have to come up with good ideas for my kids’ costumes and I’m not good at that stuff. My discomfort with all this may stem from the fact that I never saw it growing up. (I’m a baalas teshuvah. I didn’t grow up in a large family, though I now have four kids ranging in age from two to eight. My mom was a busy lawyer who wasn’t into anything particularly domestic — we had household help for that. The only Jewish holidays I remember observing were “the High Holidays” and “Passover” — neither in the form I later learned about). Or maybe it’s just “not me.” Maybe my strengths, talents, and interests lie elsewhere. The thing I find most difficult is that I don’t enjoy this supposedly joyful holiday. Can you help me with this?

A:

Although you suspect that your Purim difficulty may stem from not experiencing this holiday in childhood, you’re correct in suggesting that there are other possible explanations, too — such as your natural disposition. In fact, disposition (talents, interests, etc.) also affect frum-from-birth people, causing many to have mixed feelings about the holiday. Being born into a large frum household doesn’t guarantee that one will have an interest in and competence in creative packaging, cooking, tablescapes, costume design, and so on. Of course, people who have the right skill set and mindset for the celebrations of the day truly do enjoy it to the point where, because it showcases their talents, they might look forward to it all year!

The question is what can you do about your distaste for the holiday? When it comes to feelings, the first thing is to acknowledge and accept them. Feelings are very resistant to being dismissed, criticized, or rejected. Suggesting to ourselves that we “shouldn’t” feel something that we feel often has the effect of strengthening the undesirable feeling AND adding a new feeling — guilt — to the mix.

On the other hand, if we can just accept our feelings, they’re more likely to shift, move, and release. Perhaps you aren’t aware of this, but it’s okay not to feel enthralled about doing things you’re not that good at or not particularly interested in. Once released of the obligation to love meal planning, table designing and costume creation, you may find it easier to fulfill the tasks without having to hate them. “I don’t enjoy this, but I can do it.” I can do it for Hashem because I want to fulfill the mitzvos I’ve learned about. I can do it for my kids because I want to teach them how to observe Yiddishkeit and because I want them to love Purim all of their lives. I can do it for my husband because I want to fulfill my part of the team we are building and living.

In other words, there are certain things I DO want to do, even if cooking, hosting, packaging and so on aren’t on the list.

Indeed, having mixed emotions is the norm of human experience. “I like this part of the activity, but don’t enjoy this other part.” I like cooking, but don’t like cleaning up afterward. I like playing with my kids, but don’t enjoy disciplining them. I like running my own business, but I detest the marketing and bookkeeping tasks that are required. And so on.

In the same way, you don’t need to like all the domestic activities of the holiday. There’s no obligation to like anything. Rather, there is an obligation to show up and do everything that is required.

These activities, by the way, have the potential to stimulate feelings of joy while we perform them (which is part of their purpose). You might be pleasantly surprised that on Purim itself you find yourself feeling happier than you do right now in anticipation of the day. But even if you don’t, you might like the feeling you get from doing something that is difficult but meaningful. And of course, if you’re looking for what there is to like in the celebration of Purim, you’re sure to find something, even many things. Turn your attention away from what you know you don’t like to make space for these discoveries.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 983)