“It’s now or never,” she warned her. “Either you get engaged, or he moves on”

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer

"So,” Esti calculated gleefully, “today is May 17. Do you think we’ll be engaged by my birthday on May 30?” She giggled. “I know it’s only been five dates, but after dating 30 boys, I know for sure that this is The One!”

Esti was 25. I knew she’d been through a lot since she started dating six years ago, but that was all the more reason to tread carefully.

“Maybe I’ll just tell him,” Esti said. “I’ll let him know that I’m ready. You know how important it is to be open and honest when you date!”

“Esti,” I said, when she finally let me get a word in, “under no circumstances should you tell Meir on your sixth date that you’re ready to get engaged. He’s definitely not ready, he’s moving at a much slower pace than you. If you overwhelm him, he’s going to shut down.”

You could practically hear her balloon pop. “But why?” she wanted to know. “Wouldn’t it make him feel good?”

“Esti, listen to me. Prematurely disclosing personal information when you’re dating, or prematurely announcing your readiness to get engaged, puts the entire relationship at risk. You’re excited, but Meir is still building this relationship slowly and methodically from his end. He needs to think things through at every step until he arrives at a decision he’s comfortable with. I know it’s hard for you to wait, but you must match his pace, or you’re going to lose him.”

“Nooooo,” Esti wailed. “I can’t! Wait, I have another idea. How about you tell him I’m ready? Would that be better?”

“Esti, I’m not going to pressure Meir. It’s not going to be good for him, and it’s not going to be good for you.”

I remembered Tzirel. I hadn’t been her shadchan, but she’d called me when she was dating seriously. She was a nervous wreck. She told me she had gone out with the boy six times, and now the shadchan had called to tell her he was “ready.”

“I’m happy,” she told me. “I like him a lot. But I’m not ready.”

The shadchan told her it was too bad. “It’s now or never,” she warned her. “Either you get engaged, or he moves on.”