We’re all used to hearing  words can heal or hurt, build, or destroy. I was watching that play out in real time

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer

Toby and Avi were dating, and things were going well. Well, kind of slowly.

Toby was 25 and had been burned once already — an engagement had been called off the day before the l’chayim. So she was taking it slow, but that was understandable.

Avi didn’t seem to mind. He was 27 and had enough experience to know that relationships that instantly ignite were just as likely to suddenly implode. He was happy to give Toby the time and space she needed.

I didn’t think it was a problem either. People like to set rules in shidduchim — six dates or eight dates or whatever random number feels right to them. But rules cannot dictate the needs of a developing relationship. If there was an equation for How Long to Date Before Getting Engaged, it would probably go something like this:

His previous life experience & age & personality

+

Her previous life experience & age & personality

= the duration of time necessary to reach engagement

That’s a lot more complicated than a single-digit “rule.”

But all was fine. Toby and Avi were moving closer to commitment.

They’d been dating for about four months when Avi took Toby to a restaurant in the city. They enjoyed a beautiful meal, and during the car ride home, Toby told me, she had that “normal” feeling.

“Like it was normal to be with him,” she explained to me. “I just felt so relaxed, so comfortable. Comfortable being me, comfortable with who he is. It was very…” she searched for the word, “reassuring.”

Then the unthinkable happened.