Women are returning to the classroom decades after leaving it, and this time, the learning is leading them to the ultimate goal: a rich relationship with their Creator and themselves

Many frum women grew up with the concept that their exclusive identity is that of wife and mother. And for most women, for an extended period, that was their primary role.

“But what happens when the children grow up?” asks Mrs. Esther Wein, an internationally recognized educator and lecturer for 35 years. “Some women get depressed when they realize the mothering phase of their life is over. They wonder: Who am I? In their minds, they have no identity anymore.”

These women may have lost focus of the fact that, in addition to their role as wife and mother, they also have a responsibility to their own souls. Mrs. Wein shares a phone call she recently received from a 38-year-old woman with a large family who, because of medical issues, was unable to have more children and was pained over her new status.

When she probed, Mrs. Wein discovered that this woman saw her value only as a mother. It seemed the real reason she wanted to have more children was to avoid facing the inevitable, painful question, “If I’m not a mother, then who am I?”

Another mother, Mrs. Wein continues, said she only felt appreciated and accomplished when she was caring for her small children. When her youngest was in high school, she felt lost.

“This isn’t healthy,” contends Mrs. Wein. “These women are failing to realize that who they are as individuals in relation to Hashem — not in relation to their children, husband, or community — is their intrinsic role in this world.”

In some societies, women turn to face-lifts to hold onto youth; in ours, it may be mommying forever. Or perhaps our difficulty separating our perception of ourselves from our role as a mother is due to the belief that mommying is the ticket to a box seat in the World to Come.

Which it’s not.

Regardless of the blessings of marriage and children, “The work of a lifetime,” Mrs. Yael Kaisman, veteran teacher, speaker, and life coach, stresses, “is our avodas haneshamah, the cultivation of our souls. And that’s accomplished through Torah, avodah (prayer), and gemilus chasadim.”

Although we have to do all three, people are often naturally drawn to one of those aspects. “Some women’s souls get charged by doing chesed, others find their passion in reciting Tehillim and tefillah, while others find the way to express the energies of their soul is through daas Eloki, gaining knowledge of G-d by learning His Torah,” she continues.

At each juncture of life, our attachment to Hashem comes through the different roles that we play. All stages are important, and women attain different levels of understanding at each one. “But, as previous, more externalized roles fade away,” maintains Esther, “our role generally becomes more internal.”

So what better time to embrace building our own identity than when the children have left the nest? Instead of mourning that our children no longer need us as intensely as when they were little — which can fool us into believing we have nothing to offer — we can view this time as a gift: “The gift of building our inner selves and our connection with Hashem,” in Esther’s words.

“The Rambam says that the goal of every Jew should be to know Hashem,” says Mrs. Wein. “Reaching this goal takes time and effort. Now is the time to put in the effort.”