"I applaud both these women for showing us how making ourselves vulnerable is the path toward becoming stronger"

Vulnerability Builds Strength [Issue 748]

In this past week’s edition of Family First, two articles stood out to me because the authors were so deeply open about their human experience and I was very moved by their honesty.

“The Color of Truth” was not your typical baalas teshuvah story. The narrator described the challenges of becoming part of her community, unapologetically and in a very real way. Those emotions and issues are almost always a part of the journey, but since we don’t always hear about them, we may feel down on ourselves about our own questions and challenges. “If she could accept this lifestyle, why can’t I?” It’s scary to acknowledge feelings that we don’t like, especially when we feel it runs the risk of exacerbating them.

I had a similar response to the Lifetakes where a mother describes her experience of feeling more robotic than loving toward her child. What a scary moment of realization! But how important to acknowledge that we can all have moments where we don’t feel toward our kids the way we’d want to. How can we strive to an ideal and work to improve without first recognizing where we are?

Emotions don’t go away because we shut them in a closet, ignoring them. In most cases, that only makes them grow louder until they are overwhelming. I applaud both these women for showing us how making ourselves vulnerable is the path toward becoming stronger.

Mindel Kassorla

Jerusalem

Better than Reese’s [A Heaping Scoop / Issue 748]

Dear Chanie Apfelbaum,

When I saw your choice of “What products do you wish were chalav Yisrael?” I laughed as I read that one of the items was Reese’s PB Cups.

I too am addicted to them. Here’s my story:

I discovered that the Machaneh Yehudah shuk in Yerushalayim was selling this confection at one-fifth of the normal price — one shekel a pack instead of the regular five-shekel price. I couldn’t resist the bargain and went to the shuk to stock up. My conscience did niggle me a bit, as all my family is makpid on chalav Yisrael, but I couldn’t walk away from the stall empty handed.

As long as I was in the shuk, I made some more purchases, filling up my shopping cart, which became a bit unwieldy. Tired yet elated, I took a bus home and… left my pocketbook on the bus after I got off!

Bedsides losing my favorite bag, I lost 200 shekel in cash, my ID card (which cost me 200 shekel to replace), my credit card, my kupat cholim card, and a new hearing aid that had cost me 20,000 shekels!

“Hashem is sending me a message,” I said to myself. “From now on only chalav Yisrael.”

And so began my search for making peanut butter cups. I ultimately combined a few recipes to get the one that seemed most feasible. The attached recipe is perfect and tastes exactly like Reese’s. One of my granddaughters has a petit four business, and her husband says my peanut butter cups are better than hers!

Below is the recipe. Try it.

Better Than Reese’s PB Cups

Special recommended instructions:

You need a muffin tin (not silicone) of 18 small muffins. The best peanut butter is Skippy Sweet. Next best is Israeli Maya Peanut Butter. You can use any chocolate — parve or milk or both (one for the bottom layer and one for the top). No need for the “best chocolate,” but don’t use the worst either.

For 18 small cups

• ½ c graham crackers crushed in food processer (If using Skippy use less)
• ½ c sweet peanut butter
• ¼ tsp vanilla
• 180–200 g chocolate bar, melted 100 grams at a time

Preparation

1. Prepare a cupcake tin with 18 liners.
2. Stir peanut butter and graham crackers together until smooth. Use as much cracker crumbs as needed.
3. Melt 100 grams of chocolate in double boiler (microwave may be just as good).
4. Spread 1 to 2 tablespoons of chocolate in the bottom and up the side of each cupcake liner. Freeze/refrigerate for ten minutes.
5. Dollop 1 to 2 teaspoons of the peanut butter mixture on top of the chocolate.

Shake muffin tin on counter to even out. (That’s why it can’t be silicone.)

Freeze/refrigerate for ten minutes.

6. Melt another 100-gram chocolate bar.
7. Cover each dollop of peanut butter with more chocolate, and shake to smooth.
8. Refrigerate for one hour or until chocolate has hardened.
9. Enjoy!

Laya Zryl — 82 years young

P.S. Send my regards to my two nieces, Rifky Kleiman and Naomi Nachman. I guess the tree doesn’t fall far from the apples.

P.S.S. My hearing aid was insured. Hashem had some rachmanus!

Chesed Starts at Home [Dream On / Issue 747]

I look forward to sitting on my couch Friday night and enjoying the true-to-life serials. I can’t get enough of them!

Living in Eretz Yisrael, I have come across one too many up-to-date seminary morahs who are young and eager to make an impact on the world. However, as is so evident, enthusiasm does not take the place of experience. One mechaneches in particular seems to be Tammy #2. She spends hours upon hours giving to the girls from troubled homes, which is truly amazing.

However, I’ve been noticing an ironic trend. The more involved she becomes with her seminary students, the less patience she has for her little children. It’s so sad that in the same breath that she says how much her student is suffering and how much she feels for her, she barks at her children to “get away from Mommy now.” As an outsider, it seems simple to assume that dealing with others’ issues may be too overwhelming and mind taxing. Perhaps a bit of introspection is necessary. If helping outsiders overtakes any aspect of our lives, shouldn’t we say chesed begins at home?

TG

Jerusalem

Too-Great Expectations? [Dream On / Issue 747]

Gila Arnold’s serial Dream On is one of the first pieces I turn to when I get my copy of Family First, probably because, as a seminary staff member, I find the characters so relatable. It’s hard sometimes not to get too confused between fiction and reality with these kinds of things, but this past week, a comment by one of the characters struck me as all-too familiar, and all too infuriating.

Shani’s mother complains that the seminary has been “irresponsible” for not picking up on her daughter’s issues earlier. Putting aside the fact that this woman is being presented as a not-necessarily stable personality, she represents a certain prevalent attitude among “seminary moms” today: The school is responsible for my daughter.

I find this interesting, because many of the moms who are sending their oldest to Israel, or just barely marrying off a child, went to seminary in a very different world — where therapy was taboo, school-run activities were at most a hike per month, Shabbos plans were made by students and not staff, and safety was basically left to be determined by parents, with the exception of curfew, if there was one.

Today, parents expect seminaries to know where their daughter is at all times — Shabbos and weekdays. The seminary should provide activities for any off-time,  because how can my daughter go places on her own? Whether or not a certain location is safe territory is for the schools to decide and the students to obey (and no, the security situation in Israel has not become drastically worse in recent years). They assume that if their child has any issue that requires therapy/intervention, the seminary will notice, follow up on it, and take responsibility for finding the help.

Nobody calls up Stern or Touro college and complains that their child had an undetected eating disorder, was caught in a rally in the city, or had to make her own Shabbos plans. And while I believe that the seminaries are correct in taking a certain amount of achrayus for these things, they do so as a favor, and I do not think they should be taken to task for not doing so.

If having an eye on the health and safety of your child are important to you, and you don’t want to be a helicopter mom (calling every hour, flying your child home for vacations, and flying in at any available opportunity) then I think that before sending your child off, it’s important to have an open discussion with the school about what is and is not their responsibility. That alone could put parents more at ease, to understand what the school intends to do in general.

I apologize if, in writing, any of my comments sound harsh. I am only coming at this from the angle of a staff member who has witnessed some unfortunate situations that may have been avoided had there been better communication and understanding beforehand. I would be curious to hear parents’ thoughts on these issues.

Anonymous

Jerusalem

Boisterous Boys [Musings / Issue 747]

I read and enjoyed Hadassah Swerds’s Musings about advice for raising children, and would like to add the following tips:

Tip #7:

Redefine the purpose of cleaning help:

Cleaning help does not mean your house will be clean. Ever. It just means that you can close your eyes and imagine that it was clean at some point for about 30 seconds, and it’s all okay because she’ll come back another time. (That is, if your cleaning lady doesn’t decide to quit because she’s burned out from having her work undone as she does it or from the wild fights going on around her.)

Tip #8:

Know your symptoms and your remedies: Advil won’t work if you’re feeling dizzy if it happens to be at a time when your boys are chasing and biking and rollerblading and hoverboarding around the kitchen and dining room as you make Shabbos. It’s not vertigo, it’s the environment.

Tip #9:

Leave your phone off the hook and put all cell phones on silent in the evenings: It’s not necessary to answer every call from the neighbors, since most of them won’t be about borrowing ingredients. They more likely will be about some damage that was done by an aspiring fix-it man, or about a fight that was picked by a less-than-innocent party who happens to board in your home.

A mother who absolutely loves her boys despite the chaos

Real-Life Mothering [Musings / Issue 747]

Thank you, Family First, for providing us our weekly indulgence of high-quality literature. Mishpacha magazine is as much a Shabbos staple in our home as cholent and Shabbos party.

Hadassah, I loved your article! The tips were so realistic and spot on, I was literally rolling on the floor laughing! I can’t believe that I’m not the only one dealing with the fantasies versus realities of raising kids. I always dreamed that I would be that mother who says in a soft and gentle tone “Be careful, sweetheart, Mommy doesn’t want you to get hurt.” When, in reality I yell (none too gently) “STOP DOING THAT! I DON’T HAVE TIME TO TAKE YOU TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM!!”

Who would ever have thought that when Abba comes home from shul Friday night there would be fighting and bickering? I mean, aren’t the children supposed to be standing and singing angelically for the malachim who come in with Abba?

Maybe next time you write, you can give us tips on a seating plan for the Shabbos table where no one is fighting or dissolving into a puddle of tears, as well as some tips on how to get volunteers to shower first (gasp) on Erev Shabbos!

A grateful fan,

Nechama Leah Burnham

Kiryat Sefer, Israel

Learning from Feelings [MatchQuest / Issue 743]

I cannot thank Mrs. Sara Eisemann enough for her intelligent insights; every syllable she says is pure gold. I was curious about her recent MatchQuest quote: “Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge.” I was wondering if that is an accurate statement. I think so many times our feelings are visceral, knee-jerk reactions and are actually very misleading, reflecting our skewed perception of reality rather than reality itself.

Take fear of cockroaches, as a benign example: The fact we feel fear when we see one doesn’t mean they’re dangerous and that we need to run in the opposite direction! Perhaps a better statement would be, “Our feelings are our most genuine paths to self-knowledge,” as in they tell us something about ourselves that we need to explore.

Sarit Azoulay

Sara Eisemann responds:

Thank you for highlighting that potential misunderstanding. The way I understood the quote was probably from back to front. If we really want to know the authentic nature of something, our feelings can be our best guide. To borrow your example, being afraid of cockroaches doesn’t make them dangerous, but if we want to understand something deep about ourselves, we might look at why cockroaches scare us. And to underscore the point I believe you’re making, it isn’t wise to make decisions based on feelings alone. But it is foolish to not heed our feelings when making decisions.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 749)