This time, when Yehudis hung up, I didn’t have that heavy-hearted feeling. It felt more like hope

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer

Yehudis was 32. I’d known her for years, suggested a few boys for her. But every time I spoke to her, I hung up with a heavy heart.

It wasn’t that she didn’t really want to get married — she really, really did want to. And it wasn’t that she didn’t want to be flexible. In fact, she constantly asserted how flexible she was. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was stuck in an unproductive mindset. And she’d been stuck for so long, she couldn’t even see it.

This phone call was different.

“My younger sister just came back from seminary,” Yehudis said. “I’m in shock.”

I winced. Yehudis had several younger brothers — most of whom were long married — but this was her only sister.

“You mean because she’s starting to date?” I asked, trying to help her along.

“It’s not that she’s starting to date,” Yehudis said. “Of course she should date, I never wanted any of my brothers to wait for me either. But what’s shocking is how she dates. Totally different than me.”

“How so?”

“Okay, first of all, she consulted with a coach before her first date. I mean, come on, isn’t that a little extreme? And she’s dating her first guy pretty seriously now. It would be one thing if things were perfect with this guy and it just clicked,” she continued, “but that’s totally not the case.

“After every date she’s busy thinking and talking to people and whatever. Every time she decides to move forward. I think… I think she might really marry him in the end.” She lowered her voice. “It’s like she sees me, and it terrifies her. She doesn’t want to be where I am now. And,” she lowered her voice even further, “I think… maybe I never dated correctly myself.”

I let out my breath. Yehudis sounded sincere. Maybe the time was right for her.