When we ease the pain of our own hurt, we become more tolerant

At this time of year, we’re particularly aware of our relationships and particularly interested in fostering peace within them. We may also be acutely aware of just how challenging this can be. One of the biggest impediments to this is intolerance.

“When my husband uses a very firm tone of voice with me, I really can’t stand it. I find it obnoxious.”

This woman is experiencing intolerance. Intolerance is part cognition and part emotion. As this woman describes her husband’s behavior as “obnoxious,” she’s passing judgment. The other part of intolerance is an angry feeling. We can judge without being angry (as in, “I disapprove of people who talk with their mouths full of food”), but when we feel a surge of negative emotion filling our body as we pronounce the judgment (as in, “I can’t stand people who talk with their mouths full!”), we’ve moved into the realm of intolerance.

Intolerance Prevents Peace

Because of the sour emotion that accompanies our judgment, intolerance prevents wholesome feelings between people. And yet, we all harbor large doses of intolerance.

“I can’t stand people who cut me off in traffic.”

“That woman has no taste; I don’t know how she goes out in public like that.”

“I’m repulsed when my husband raises his voice to the kids!”

The funny thing about intolerance is that we don’t even consider it to be an enemy of ours; in fact, it feels more like our friend. The self-righteous indignation that accompanies this thought-feeling comforts us, convincing us that we’re right to disdain our fellow human beings.

It’s especially inviting to be disdainful when someone has personally wronged us. On those occasions, the ugly thought-feeling can actually help heal our pain. “…so she screamed at me that I can’t return an item after ten days as if I was trying to rob the store! I had no idea they had that policy, and here she was embarrassing me in front of the whole store! Her behavior was disgusting!”

Intolerance distracts us from our own discomfort. It allows us to think about the “offender.” Concentrating on the flaws of others is a common, fairly addictive behavior that helps us to feel better when we’ve been wronged. A focus on “he’s this, that, and the other thing,” saves us from having to feel the hurt.

Unfortunately, by distracting us from the real issue, we never manage to clear out that pain. Pain that goes in, stays in, unless we specifically help to ease it out. For that, we have to focus inward and directly find, name, and address our feelings.

How do I feel when a cashier screams at me in front of everyone? Shocked, wronged, embarrassed, hurt, upset, angry, offended, humiliated... What can I do for myself when that happens? (I can remind myself that I didn’t do anything wrong, and that the cashier isn’t professional or healthy; I can judge her positively, assuming that she’s unable to do better for some very good reasons; if I want to address the incident nonetheless, I can speak to the store manager about what happened; I can remind myself that I’m okay; I can ask Hashem to let the incident atone for my own wrongdoings.)

Intolerance in Family Life

When we notice our intolerance in daily life, we can immediately turn our attention to the way we feel. The intolerance we feel toward loved ones is usually far more difficult, in proportion to the pain that loved ones are able to provoke in us. Flaws we see in spouses, for example, can cause us to question why we ever agreed to marry the person. “When my wife leaves the dishes in the sink, I’m sickened. Do we have to live like animals? I should have married Leah, at least she was a neat freak!”

We panic when we see the not-so-perfect side of our partners, the intolerance rising in quick and intense defense. But in almost all cases, our partners are normal people with strong and weak points, just like us. Learning to tolerate their weak points by turning inward toward our own feelings of frustration and disappointment (and/or whatever other feelings arise), will help us heal and see the fuller picture the goodness our partner brings into our life.

When we move away from intolerance of others toward our own inner experience, we’re able to promote peace within ourselves, our homes, and all of creation. Let’s do it!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 742)