"Being married to an addict doesn’t have to be a nightmare"

If You See Something, Say Something [Down to the Last Drop / Issue 733]

Thanks for calling attention to the very serious problem of alcoholism, which unfortunately has infiltrated into our community. I also found the connection between wealth and alcohol abuse interesting. Besides the fact that it takes money to buy expensive liquors, it also shows that money can’t buy happiness.

Several months ago, I was in the liquor store and the guy behind me was buying six expensive bottles of bourbon and scotch, which probably cost over $500. I wished him mazel tov on his simchah and he told me there’s no simchah — he buys this every week for his shul kiddush! How very disturbing.

With respect to “Sari,” who shared her story, I was shocked and dismayed that she didn’t involve her parents when her husband shared his history of addiction while they were dating and engaged. I’m sure they would have sought out daas Torah, and it’s quite possible (maybe even likely) they would have broken off the shidduch after doing so. It’s sad that Sari had to go through this experience. At the very least she would have gone in with her eyes open, some form of commitment from “Dovid,” and a plan of action.

Young ladies (and bochurim) out there — despite your maturity and intelligence, if something comes up while you’re dating, whether your date disclosed it or it’s just a feeling on your part, please, please, please, discuss it with your parents. They have much more experience in life than you do, and they have only your best interests at heart. Let them guide you, and of course, seek daas Torah together with you. No young adult is qualified to understand and make a judgment about substance abuse, addictions, or mental health. If you see something — say something!

Micky Krull, Monsey, NY

Not Always a Nightmare [Down to the Last Drop / Issue 733]

While I am pleased to see the frum community’s growing awareness about addiction, as the wife of someone who’s been in recovery for alcoholism for over ten years, I would like to say that being married to an addict doesn’t have to be a nightmare. My husband told me very early on when we were dating that he had been sober for over five years. I did my research, consulted daas Torah, and most important, consulted with people who were knowledgeable or had direct experience with addiction. I read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and even attended an open AA meeting with him when we were almost engaged.

Everyone I consulted with and everything I read emphasized the importance of working with a 12-step program. Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski ztz”l also emphasized this. I was quite surprised when reading the article to read so much about expensive rehabs and therapy and so little about 12-step meetings (and step work). Anyone involved with real recovery knows that staying sober is heavily contingent on this.

As more and more articles come out about this very important topic, I can’t help but notice that the stories are almost exclusively horror stories from people who got sober after getting married and are newly sober, or from therapists who aren’t in recovery themselves. I can unequivocally say that being married to someone in addiction recovery (with a spouse who works a program and attends meetings) has positively affected our marriage.

The 12-step programing trains a person to constantly be “focused on their side of the street,” meaning to focus on their own actions instead of those of others. If there is significant time, quality sobriety, honesty and hard work, being married to someone in recovery doesn’t have to be a nightmare.

You can not only have a good marriage with someone in recovery, you can have a great one (especially on Purim).

Name Withheld

Privacy Is Healthy — Are Secrets? [Secrets Revealed / Issue 732]

Thank you for a beautiful subsection on secrets. I think that there is a critical nuance between secrecy and privacy, and I guess that’s where the story about a woman who hid her illness from her family for years struck a raw nerve with me.

Secrecy within the family unit, where one part of the family is forced to cover for another to maintain the secret, often comes at a steep price. While in this story the patient kept her illness a secret from her parents to protect them from pain, I’ve seen the same line of reasoning used for not sharing diagnosis with children — married or single. I’ve seen the same thing used with siblings as well.

In this story, the protagonist did end up sharing and her mother bemoaned the inability to daven for her. Ultimately, though, the fact that she shared it even late in the game but not after her passing, presumably allowed her parents to talk it out and cry it out with her. That provides some measure of closure.

I’ve seen this sort of story end very differently — such as when family members find out after the fact or once the patient is in a coma or the likes. These families deal with so much anger and mistrust. Who knew? Who didn’t share? Can I trust them again if they kept this huge secret?

Privacy of a patient is paramount. I think the patient may need to control what info is shared. However, sickness and its treatments often compromise the patient’s ability to think about the consequences of not telling. Painful thoughts like “What happens if I die and they didn’t know?” sometimes don’t cross the patient’s mind.

One of the most painful statements a teen told me was: “I see my mother as selfish. She didn’t want to cause pain, but really she just didn’t want to be with us in our pain — she couldn’t tolerate seeing us sad. And now we’re grieving and she is not here to witness it. And my father kept this from us for five years... I don’t know what else he is hiding, and my anxiety is through the roof.”

It’s a horrible place to be as a family member or friend covering for a patient who wants to keep a secret. I wonder if it can gently be brought up in a conversation with the patient about the risks of not telling at all...

Waiting for a day where all are cured.

Sarah Rivkah Kohn

Founder & Director, Links

wereinittogether.org

Students with Secrets [Secrets Revealed / Issue 732]

While I was reading the article “Secrets Revealed,” it brought to mind a largely undiscussed segment of our community who are masking their own secrets. The teenagers in our Bais Yaakovs and yeshivos who are dealing with more than they can handle — depression, anxiety, a difficult family dynamic — but still present a put-together, thriving external front. These kids can be the top boy in shiur or the most popular girl in the grade. They aren’t necessarily showing external signs of being “at risk,” yet they are suffering in silence — alone.

If you’re a rebbi or teacher, I’m begging you to reach out to your students, show them that you are available and want a relationship with them. Show them they can rely on you — not only by answering their calls and readily agreeing to talk to them, but by occasionally initiating contact and expressing that you care.

As I myself have gone through the system harboring my own secret, I see the lack so starkly. As a community, we must step up our game. Every educator should be taking personal responsibility for the emotional, mental, social, and spiritual wellbeing of the precious neshamos they are entrusted with.

A Former Student

Just Say Thanks [Appreciation in a Basket / Issue 732]

I enjoyed your article on the manufacturers of gift baskets. What struck me was how hard a time many people have knowing how to respond properly when on the receiving end of a gift or kindness. As Mr. Oelbaum mentioned, some people rush to send a basket back. You really do not have to! A phone call to say thank you, you made my day would be an appropriate response. If it was a corporate gift, a quick thank-you email is fine. Either way, you need to acknowledge a gift! As Mrs. Markowitz says, the customer service rep is busy fielding calls from senders unsure if their gift was received. I wonder why it is so difficult to say thank you.

This strikes a personal chord. I host countless guests of neighbors in my guest suite with its own private entrance for their simchahs. It is very rare for a guest to thank me when they leave. After all the work that goes into cleaning and setting up, it’s a terrible feeling to not be thanked and acknowledged.

M.F.

A New Niche? [Man with a Pan / Issue 732]

Dear “Editor at Mishpacha” who doesn’t use more than one pot to make a dip for Shabbos, but who endured her husband’s efforts at “Charred Herbaceous Argentinian olive dip” which had “undertones of soap, followed by hints of Fantastik, with an aftertaste of aloe vera scented baby wipes.”

Did you read Shoshana Friedman’s Screenshot column about shifting around talented staff into new niches? I am not sure what you do, but please quit and become a humor writer, and don’t write a humor column only once a year at Purim time! Let us have the gift of your humor columns every week without fail. Please consider it!

Ilana Orange

We Only Sell Normal Sizes [Smoke and Mirrors / Issue 731]

After reading all of the discussion about having a healthy approach to weight and size, I’ve been thinking about the role the frum clothing industry plays in this. A friend of mine entered a clothing store in the Tristate area looking for a size extra-large. She was immediately told, “Sorry. We only sell normal sizes.”

Many frum clothing stores in the Tristate area cater only to skinny figures. All heimish dress shops carry size extra small. In fact, almost all carry extra-extra small as well. In contrast, only a few stores carry size extra-large, and barely any carry extra-extra-large clothing.

Someone looking for a larger sized dress needs to head to the nearest mall. They don’t even bother browsing the local Jewish shops. They can’t. Because nothing will fit.

Goldie O.

Not a Car Service [A Mother’s Heart / Issue 731]

After reading “A Mother’s Heart,” in which a woman realized that something was seriously wrong with her newborn and brought him to the hospital just as he went into cardiogenic shock, I was so relieved to read the happy ending. Baruch Hashem, she followed her instincts and her son is healthy as a result.

As a Hatzolah wife, however, I was concerned about the beginning of the story, which depicts the narrator preparing for Shabbos, bentshing licht, and then going to the doctor, who sent her to the hospital via Hatzolah. This woman did not know she’d be sent to the hospital, but in general, if someone’s health crisis wasn’t emergent enough to require to get to a hospital before Shabbos, you should go to the hospital via car service. Contrary to popular belief, Hatzolah members are not car service drivers. When my husband goes to shul Friday night, he intends to stay for the entirety of davening. His davening is just as important as your prayers over the Shabbos licht.

My husband is always happy to stop davening if a life needs to be saved. However, too often his davening is disturbed by people who “need a ride to the hospital.” Hatzolah is here to help. Hatzolah wives are happy to sacrifice their husbands during davening and during meals when there is an emergent need. Please consider us before you dial Hatzolah’s number. We are not a car service.

Wishing you continued health and nachas.

A Hatzolah Wife

Speak Up [Friendship Fix / Issue 730]

The story of “Rachel,” who was hurt by her coworkers when they only texted or sent meals but didn’t come visit when she was sick, could have easily had a happy ending if Rachel had done one simple thing — expressed her wishes for visitors. Her coworkers showed their care for her in multiple ways. Perhaps they weren’t speaking her “love language,” but isn’t friendship a responsibility on both ends?

So far the story and all the responses that have been printed have placed all of the blame on the coworkers. If this story were about a married couple, and a therapist were asked to weigh in, I believe the therapist would advise the injured party to be more expressive of his/ her needs.

A Friend

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 734)