“There seems to me to be as it were a plague in the house.” (Vayikra 14:35)
Rashi states that even a talmid chacham who knows clearly that he’s seen a lesion should not rule emphatically and say “I saw a lesion ” but rather “Something like a lesion appeared to me.”
In actuality there’s no practical difference whether he says it’s an actual lesion or “something like a lesion ” because if he’s not a Kohein he can’t even pasken on the status of the lesion. However the Torah is giving us guidance in our speech. A person should not make pronounced negative statements. Rather he should make statements like “perhaps ” or “it seems to me.” As Chazal say (Berachos 4a): “Teach yourself to say ‘I don’t know.’ ”(Rav Yerucham Levovitz Daas Torah)
My house also has stains on the walls. Most of my family doesn’t notice them anymore. They don’t spread but they certainly multiply in number especially near the sinks and behind the kitchen table. I don’t call my neighbor who’s a Kohein; instead I summon my four-year-old son or eight-year-old daughter or anyone else I think may be connected to the ketchup peanut butter or crayon stains.
“There’s a stain on the wall ” I announce while glaring at the culprits. “I’ve cleaned this wall so many times! How many times have I told you to be careful and wipe up what you spill? But I still see so many stains and so does anyone else who comes to our house! Why don’t you care how this house looks? Where’s your sense of responsibility? Is this how you clean a kitchen? Look how you left the sink…”
Sometimes I find personality stains. Stains of character of habit of apathy. My brain jerks into mothering mode and I direct and dissect both actions and behavior. “Who told you you’re allowed to touch that? Don’t you know that’s how things get destroyed? Why are you dreaming? How much time do you need to get ready in the morning? When will you learn to be more organized? Why do you think only about yourself? Why are always so selfish? Why are you are lying? I can’t trust you!”
“Stop! Please stop!” pleads my inner censor. I may not live in a generation where there’s tzaraas and korbanos to atone. I may not have the Beis Hamikdash but I have a mikdash me’at and I need to know how to behave within it.
I can learn from the words of the Torah: “There seems to me to be as it were a plague…”
Those extra words “as it were” diffuse the suspicion the accusations the certainty. There’s so much gentleness in those little words — so much humaneness kindness and truth. Perhaps I see stains in my home but that’s my personal viewpoint. It’s not engraved in stone.
The Re’em comments that this concept is germane specifically regarding something negative such as impurity. Yet with something positive a person should comment clearly and emphatically praise the good thing. (ibid.)
This concept of nonjudgmental behavior does not turn us into indecisive hesitant people. Instead it minimizes the negative and highlights the positive.
That’s why if there’s potential for a compliment — someone who did something good put on something nice tried a bit harder or did us a favor — we should compliment quickly with confidence and ease.
“Thanks for taking out the garbage! I appreciate that you didn’t forget. I noticed that you were kind to your sister this afternoon. That shows me you’re acting mature.”
We’re surrounded by good people good deeds and good thoughts. All that’s left is to compliment unconditionally. Don’t worry about restraints and nuances. Positive words are easily distributed for free because they come straight from Hashem. If you fill your life with such communication I’m positive you’ll know happiness!