Our many selves don’t always see eye-to-eye. We experience this phenomenon as internal conflict: “Part of me feels/wants this and part of me feels/wants that.” Besides causing an unpleasant racket this conflict can cause headaches irritability pain and illness. It sometimes feels as if a war is going on within.
“I’m afraid I’m going to lose all my reward for kibbud av v’eim. I know my father is 91 years old and I should be understanding of his needs and feelings. I know I should be happy to have the merit of taking care of him. I do take care of him — all the time and in every way! The problem is that I resent it. I resent spending my time this way and having to sacrifice for a man I never got along with.
“I didn’t mind looking after my mother; I loved her and she loved me. But my father was strict and cold; we never had a good relationship. I know that this was about half a century ago and I really should be over it by now. I’m furious with myself for hanging on to this old story — I feel terribly guilty about not wanting to look after him.”
Whoa! How many internal “parts” are at play here? Let’s count them:
A Fearful Part: afraid to displease Hashem afraid to lose merit.
An Adult Part: aware of elderly father’s situation aware of her obligations to him and involved in carrying out those obligations.
A Resentful Part: doesn’t want to take care of Dad.
A Wounded Child Part: still hurting from childhood neglect and mistreatment.
An Internal Critic Part: berating herself for feeling upset while caring for her father inducing shame and guilt.
A Bad Little Child Part: feeling the shame and guilt induced by the Internal Critic.
If these parts were people living together in a family there’d be a lot of fighting going on! When they live inside of just one person they create similar havoc.
At any given moment only one part can “drive the bus” and the other parts must remain passengers. For example the Adult Part may be helping Dad with some forms that must be filled out. This part is “driving the bus” — it’s in charge of the current activity and the body must follow its instructions.
But the other parts are grumbling in the passenger section. “Why do I have to do this?” “Be quiet and do it with a smile for goodness’ sake!” “What is wrong with you? Hashem will punish you ” and so on.
The poor woman leaves her father’s apartment exhausted and stressed. She doesn’t realize that the noise in her head is coming from a bunch of separate personalities that are part of her internal world. Instead she thinks she’s “going crazy ” “all over the place ” and “not managing.”
Know Thyself
Once a person understands the design of his or her inner world things can be much easier and healthier. Here are some rules and strategies for the management of one’s psyche:
A part is like a person with its own personality. You cannot tell it not to exist.
All parts have feelings. Sit still for a minute and silently invite each part — one at a time — to say how he/she feels about the situation. Acknowledge and accept each part’s feelings: This is what initiates the process of change.
The Critic Part is allowed to express his/her feelings (“I’m disappointed that you don’t want to do this”) but not insults and other forms of abuse (i.e. “You’re a horrible daughter ” “What’s wrong with you?” etc.). Abusive Critic Parts need to be removed from the inner family (in your imagination you can escort them out to a therapist who can help them learn better ways to communicate).
Adult Parts stay in charge determining what you will actually do. They can also help the other parts feel better. For instance the Adult can compassionately acknowledge and validate the feelings of the Resentful and Wounded Child Parts (“Of course you feel resentful giving so much to someone who didn’t give to you”). Validation does not increase the angry or hurt feelings. On the contrary it releases their stronghold.
When experiencing inner conflict taking the time to listen in to the separate voices is healing in itself. Try it and see.