Ruchoma’s Take

Hi, my name is Ruchoma. I love hanging out with my group of friends and spending time with them, in school or out. We have a lot of common interests, like shopping, baking, accessorizing, and more.

Lately, however, I’m starting to notice that Dina, who is easygoing, fun, and down-to-earth, has been making things a little awkward. Every week, we alternate going to each other’s houses after school and for some reason, every time it’s Dina’s turn, she seems to have some excuse for why we can’t come to her house. At first we all brushed it off and didn’t mind but it seems now that she’s almost determined not to have us. I’m starting to get a little nervous about her. I hope everything’s okay. I want her to know I’m here for her if she wants to talk, but I’m afraid to ask her in case I put her in an uncomfortable position. I know Dina’s life is not as perfect as she makes it seem but I don’t want to be intrusive and question her if she’s unwilling to share her feelings. The problem is, the awkwardness is becoming more and more apparent and one of us is going to have to say something eventually. Should I take up the mantle myself and confront her? Or should we just ignore it and pretend nothing is going on?

Mindy’s Message 

Thank you for bringing up this common scenario and dilemma.

It’s interesting that while Ruchoma feels the awkwardness, she doesn’t mention the financial disparity at all, despite the fact that according to Dina that is the sole cause of the awkwardness!

This omission is very important in understanding this dilemma.

People are naturally egocentric. That means we think about ourselves. Hashem made us egocentric so that we can survive. If we only thought of other people, we would give away all our food and possessions and leave nothing for ourselves! Part of maturing and working on our avodah in This World is to learn how to think about other people and become less egocentric; but that is for a different discussion.

Egocentricity means that I look at the world through my personal glasses. A young child whose favorite color is pink will tell you that your favorite color is pink too!

Dina, you are a typical teenager in the way that you assume other people feel, in some way, the same as you. If you are constantly feeling like you have less, you believe that your friends also always think about the fact that they have more than you. Those uncomfortable thoughts cause you to engage in avoidance behaviors — behaviors that will prevent those uncomfortable thoughts. In simple terms, you will make sure that your friends don’t see your old room and outdated car so that you don’t have to feel embarrassed and pitiful.

Dina, this is a mistake. You clearly see how Ruchoma cares about you and cannot understand why you are doing this. That alone is a proof of your genuine friendship. A real friendship is not based on economic equality. It is based on mutual caring, respect, and sharing of interests.

Sometimes when we create a divide or issue that doesn’t have to be there, we can break up a perfectly good friendship.

Ruchoma, you are a good friend and you appreciate the value of your friendships. Now we are approaching Purim. One lesson of Purim is to look beneath the masks. Why is your friend feeling awkward? Why does she feel like she has to hide something? We are all egocentric, so if you are not the type to be bothered by external differences, like money, you might assume that Dina is the same way.

Not every mask has to be harshly pulled off in order to be dealt with. With sensitivity and kindness you can say what you see and make your friend feel better. You can say, “I see you don’t want us to get together at your house. You should know we like your house, it’s fun and there is always something happening. But if you prefer for us to get together more at my house instead, that’s okay.” We know it’s what’s inside that counts, but sometimes we forget. Remind yourself and your friend by talking about it. “I love our friendship because we really get each other. We always have fun and know how to laugh. We’re so different and yet we mesh so well.” Such comments remind everyone that the glue that holds your friendship together is not made from money.

One last point — when a group of girls engage in meaningful activities together, their friendship is enriched and made stronger. Try engaging in a learning group and/or chesed activity together. Take your good friendships and make them great!

Mindy Rosenthal M.S., BCBA/LBA, teaches social skills, executive function skills, and other skills to incredible children, teens, and their parents. She is also the lucky director of student services at Ilan High School and consults nationally and internationally on social skills, executive function, and behavioral programs. She can be reached through Teen Pages.

(Originally featured in Teen Pages, Issue 850)